Overcoming Evil

In last month’s article, I described what I view is the problem of evil – that it is so common. All of us are capable of doing evil, but some people seem to hide their evil behind a facade of goodness. To repeat the definition of what I view as evil, according to Dan Allender in his book Bold Love, “Evil is present when there is a profound absence of empathy . . . An evil person is unmoved by the inner world of the other and has no respect for boundaries.” When their patterns of harm are exposed, evil people are not sorrowful nor open to feedback. Often they masterfully cause confusion and in turn make the victims of their abuse feel like the perpetrators of harm. Evil is fairly predictable in its efforts to intimidate through manipulation and shame. Evil wants control and absolute power over choice. An evil person wants not only conformity to their ways but almost an unearned devotion that borders on worship. An evil person, in a sense, seeks to steal the lifeblood from the soul of another. With this said, I would now like to address what what to do about overcoming evil.

One of the first things I suggest is to set limits on evil. I rarely have to worry about encountering evil people in counseling. They usually do not come because, according to them, they do not have the problem. But I see many of their victims, the so-called weak people who are depressed or addicted. I call these people courageous, because they are attempting to shine the light of truth on their entrapment. They often struggle hard to get free and do so at great costs. Often they must give up a relationship with a parent or other significant person while other family members and friends continue to relate to that person. Often it is the fear of abandonment that blocks most of us from setting limits and establishing boundaries. And sadly, many of the victims are powerless children whose choices are to become perfectionist conformists or to fall prey to depression or rebelliousness. Yet for those adults who have the freedom and courage to set limits on evil, they can find hope in knowing that they are doing the more loving thing by not continuing to allow an evil person to consistently and perniciously sin against them. Unfortunately, kindness and reasoning do not seem to work. It may take extreme measures, such as being willing to walk out, hang up the phone, or even call the police if the evil person intimidates through shame or manipulation.

Having suggested that to set limits on evil is all right, I want to quickly add a cautionary suggestion: hatred of evil in another may indicate our own evil propensity. In this case, we should examine ourselves thoroughly, as the Bible says, inspecting the log in our own eyes before examining the speck in another. Yes, we may want to avoid someone who has harmed us or, at least, limit their ability to harm us again. But if our motivation is vengeance, we need beware. Again according to Allender, “Evil knows the ways of evil. . . What evil cannot comprehend is goodness. Goodness offers life; evil seeks death.” So a better way to deal with evil is to overcome it with goodness. Good draws forth rage from evil because evil expects the good to operate according to its same principles, that is, in returning evil for evil. But if we desire in our hearts to root out evil, even in those who harm us, then we are doing good. We should want to put limits on evil in order that those who harm us would repent and change. It takes lots of wisdom, courage and creativity to do this.

As Scott Peck says in his book People of the Lie, evil spelled backwards is “live” – a person must want to come out from under the bondage to another in order to really live and become their true self.

Forgiveness: What It Is Not

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2004.

In following up last month’s article “Forgiveness: What It Is,” this month’s article addresses the counterpart – what forgiveness is not. I will summarize and then expound more fully: forgiveness is not reconciliation or pardoning or condoning or excusing or forgetting.

To briefly recap, emotional forgiveness is the replacement of the negative emotions of resentment, bitterness, hostility, hatred, anger, and fear, following an offense, with positive other-oriented emotions such as love, empathy, compassion, romantic love, or an altruistic gift to bless another. The benefits of forgiveness can affect us in many ways, including physical and emotional health. This type of forgiveness is intrapersonal, that is, it takes place inside the person. Forgiveness can be granted. It can either be expressed or not expressed to the other party.

The pardoning or excusing of an offense by the act of behaving as if it did not happen is more of a decisional forgiveness. The decision not to avenge or avoid the person may or may not actually alleviate the experience of the negative emotions. This may be a hollow forgiveness. It may make life easier, especially in family disputes or in workplace situations, but it may not bring the positive health oriented benefits, according to recent research in the area of forgiveness. We can either experience or not experience the forgiveness we express.

How then does reconciliation relate to forgiveness? Reconciliation is the restoration of trust when trust has been damaged. Reconciliation is interpersonal, that is, it takes place between two parties. Trust cannot be granted – it must be earned. Trust is earned by many trustworthy experiences over time. Both parties must decide whether to reconcile. It is like building a bridge – each must start from their own side and work toward the middle. One person cannot build a bridge to the other’s side.

Of course, the best scenario is to forgive and to reconcile. But as mentioned, one person cannot effect reconciliation. Reconciliation is a process which involves many steps, including confession, contrition, acknowledgment of pain, valuing of the other person, restitution, and patient waiting. Fortunately, however, reconciliation is possible. I have successfully witnessed several marriages that have survived an affair and have become stronger and healthier. But it took work by both sides. I have also seen one person make a decision to reconcile too soon and derail the process. Bitterness or anger may fester beneath the surface only to erupt unpredictably and uncontrollably. These emotional outbursts are a sign that forgiveness has not fully taken place. This is because reconciliation generally needs repentance – that being sorry for one’s offense and making the effort to change. Also, to reconcile requires that we take the time to grieve whatever we feel we have lost. If the offending party refuses to change or even acknowledge the hurt they have caused, then true reconciliation cannot generally occur. Reconciliation may even put some people in danger of re-injury, as in cases of sexual abuse. Sometimes reconciliation is just not possible, however much one would like for it to occur. That too is a loss that must be grieved. Forgiveness, however, is possible and desirable.