Attempting to Define Codependence

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2004.

I have many clients who come to therapy having been told they are “codependent.” Or as we talk I even throw out the word “codependent” to give them some name or framework to what they are experiencing. They seem to know something about themselves is not quite right but they do not have words to explain their experience. They just seem to feel a nebulous or chaotic sense about themselves.

Having talked about boundaries in the last couple of articles, I thought this would be a good point at which to address this term “codependence.” To give some background, the term was coined in the 1970's to explain the experience of those who were married to alcoholics, that is, those who supported the alcoholics in their lifestyle by enabling them or rescuing them. They were thought to also be dependent along with the alcoholic in this lifestyle, hence a partner in dependency. The definition of the word has since evolved into many different meanings. It has come to mean having an addiction to a person and seems to manifest itself in repeating the same type of self-defeating relationships with different people again and again. One definition I like that is quoted by Melody Beattie in her book Codependent No More is, “It means I am always looking for someone to glob onto.” The term codependence has even come to mean being an addictive person in general, addicted to various types of substances or behaviors, such as alcohol, drugs, food, work, shopping, or relationships. That is, they are looking outside themselves to find something which will satisfy their inner longings.

After much research and many attempts to define this fuzzy condition known as codependence, one common denominator that does seem to come through is the secret unwritten rules that develop in a family that order relationships. According to Beattie, “These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect; selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change . . . These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too.” These are the old “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” rules that have long been known in Alcoholics Anonymous circles.

Another way of explaining codependence is to say these people have poor boundaries or to say that they have passive people-pleasing personalities. These people can find favor in the eyes of many, especially if they are compulsive caretakers, but they eventually become worn down and feel empty. They may even become angry at the very people that they have cared for. They come to think that the problem is the “other person” who if just would change would make their own lives better. But the trick is, who can change another person? And the truth is, if that problem person changes, usually the codependent family comes unglued. For example, if the alcoholic quits drinking, the family does not know how to relate to this new person and usually prefers the old way of organizing around the problem person.

Codependents do not become the way they are on their own. They are a product of their family systems. Their real need is to change themselves and learn to establish good boundaries around themselves. Somehow they need to extricate themselves from their unhealthy system, which is frightening to codependents, but necessary. I recommend to those trapped in the cycle of codependency to take a prolonged period of time to be selfish. Codependents feel the way they are relating is so right because they are loving others. But the Biblical command is to “love your neighbor as yourself”(emphasis mine). Codependents can benefit from a time of catching up on learning what it is to love themselves. They can start by taking long baths and long walks. They can give themselves time to explore what they really think, feel, and want in life. And when recovered, they can then better love others. This is not easy. It may even take a whole generation to break codependent patterns.

Communication Styles Reflect Boundaries

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in April 2004.

Last month I talked about boundary setting, that is, how to put invisible fences around our souls to show ownership of what is rightfully ours. Included in our boundaries are our thoughts and opinions, our feelings, our desires and dreams, our choices and behaviors with subsequent consequences, and the development of our gifts and talents. This month I want to show how our communication styles to a large extent reflect our boundaries.

There are three major styles of communicating which I believe are negative styles and styles which violate boundaries: aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive. What I consider a positive style and keeps proper boundaries is a fourth style, which is being assertive. I will explain all of these and ask you to consider where you see yourself as you read them. Keep in mind that you can be in all of these styles at times, depending on whom you are relating to at the moment. But in general, you may find yourself in one major category.

The first style I want to address is the aggressive style. These people cross other’s boundaries by being pushy and intrusive. They may defend themselves by saying, “I just believe in speaking my mind” but they often do so at the expense of others. They usually have to be right and like to win at all costs. These are usually your sharp-tongued folks, whose words seem to penetrate, that is, come across as harsh and hurtful. They may even masquerade behind being joking and sarcastic. Other descriptors include being rude, bossy, intimidating, defensive, disruptive, eruptive, belittling, bragging, lecturing, or outright cursing and using foul language. A major character trait is that they are narcissistic, that is, it’s all about them. They seem to have little capacity to empathize or see how their behavior effects others. (Note: not all of the adjectives have to apply to be in a category.)

The second style is the passive style. These are people who allow others to cross their boundaries. These include your people pleasers, your victims, your martyrs. They will complain but not do anything. They generally feel helpless and feel used. They usually have problems with trust. They generally have low self-esteem, hence they draw their esteem from pleasing others. They are dishonest about their true feelings and let someone else have power over them. They are selfish in that they are worried about what others think and how things will affect them. And they are fearful in that they are afraid of other’s anger, their own anger, of not being liked, or of being rejected. It’s difficult to get to know these people because they are like chameleons, changing to fit the circumstances.

A third category is the passive-aggressive style. These are the people who “get back by getting even.” They won’t just tell you what is wrong but they let you know in subtle ways – by pouting, by brooding, by being avoidant, by shutting down. They may scheme to hurt you or punish you in ways such as withholding affection or gossiping. The ultimate passive aggressives include those who are anorexic or suicidal. Milder forms includes people who drag their feet, ignore others, or nag.

The last and the preferred way to be, being assertive, sets the proper boundaries around a person and gives one the best sense of self-worth. Assertive people are open and honest about what they are feeling at the moment. This is different from the aggressive person who is open and honest at another’s expense and different from the passive or passive-aggressive person who is actually dishonest. Assertive people can express their opinions, share feelings, ask for what they want, give and receive favors and compliments, can say no without feeling guilty, can admit mistakes. They generally take more risks and are more even keel. They understand that it is not possible to say and do the right thing all the time and have everyone like them. They are characteristically more genuine, authentic people.

I encourage you to try to move more toward the assertive style if you find yourself in another category most of the time. You may even want to consider getting the help of a counselor or therapist. Making some of these changes in communication styles can be quite difficult because they are so ingrained but I believe the results will yield more satisfying relationships.

Learning to Set Boundaries

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2004.

All of us know what physical boundaries look like – they are fences, signs, or hedges that give the message that the owner of the property has a legal right to the property. Physical boundaries give people a legal deed to their property, to the exclusion of all others. According to Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in their book Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life, in the spiritual world, boundaries “define what is me and what is not me.” A boundary shows where one person ends and another person begins and gives a sense of ownership to a person. God designed a world where we are to live within our own souls housed in our physical bodies.

If I had to say if there is a common theme of problems in marriage relationships or parent-child relationships, I would say it is the theme of boundary violations. This is a huge broad area but does seem to underpin the more obvious problems, such as communication problems with couples and discipline problems with children. If people can be responsible for their own person, and respect the boundary of another, they can have a more healthy marriage relationship. If they can establish firm boundaries for their children, the family can be more peaceful. An experience that illustrated this more clearly to me last summer was that of being on a high story at a condominium on the beach in Florida. The balcony had a very high and very sturdy rail. I could walk out to the edge and even lean on the rail – I felt safe and could enjoy the sights, sounds, and smell of the ocean and even the touch of the ocean breeze. But I thought to myself, what if the rail were not there? I could still walk out onto the balcony and perhaps be all right, but could I enjoy the beach? No, I would have to worry about falling off the edge at all times. Thoughts of my safety would necessarily overtake my enjoyment of the beach. It was easy to see that the fence was a protective thing to me. In much the same way, the boundaries we establish with others produce more safety and more enjoyment of our relationships.

What exactly belongs inside these so-called boundaries of our souls? Included are our thoughts and opinions. Right or wrong, we all have a right to our beliefs and to the expression of them, within reason. We all have a right to our feelings and emotions. They should neither be ignored nor placed in charge, but they should be owned. We all have responsibility for our choices and behaviors, which all have consequences. When someone removes our natural consequences, even with the good intention of protecting us, we lose the power to learn from them. We all have a right to explore our desires and dreams and goals. Our talents are also within our boundaries to develop and use. We all have the right to set limits, to say no to ourselves, either to destructive desires or even some good ones that are not wise to pursue at a given time. We have the right to set limits on others. This does not mean we can change others or make them behave right, but adults can limit their exposure to people who behave in destructive or unloving ways. This actually protects love. And we have the right to give and receive love. Many have actually closed their hearts to love out of fear and hurt. What is needed in all these aspects of boundaries is a good gate, one which we can choose to open to let the good things in and to close to keep the bad things out. Boundaries should not be walls but fences.

Boundary setting is easier said than done. When we are not in secure, loving relationships, we face two bad options: either to set limits and risk losing an important relationship, or not to set limits and be a prisoner to the wishes of another. The place to begin learning to set boundaries is with what I call “safe people,” those who can accept us as we are and with whom we feel free to be our true selves – able to freely express our thoughts, feelings and desires without being put-down or discounted. If safe people are not readily available to you, seeing a counselor or therapist is a good place to begin as well as joining a small group in a church or in the community. You may need to seek hard to find these trustworthy people, but it is a venture worth pursuing. It is by developing our boundaries that we become and can enjoy being our true selves.

By the way, I highly recommend that you read the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend. Even if it is the only self-help book you ever read, it is worth your time.

The Worst Kind of Abuse

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in February 2004.

I talked last month about the damaging affects of all kinds of childhood neglect and abuse, including physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual. This month I would like to emphasize the seriousness of one of the most hideous of them all – childhood sexual abuse. Human beings are made in the image of God – male and female, and our sexuality is core to our being, even on the soul level. Therefore, when a child is sexually abused, there is usually lifelong damage to the soul.

There are many definitions of childhood sexual abuse, but at its essence, abuse occurs when a child is used as a sexual object by someone in authority or with power. It can encompass using sexual language, pornography, fondling, or any kind of sexual act performed to or in front of a child.

Children do not naturally know about being sexual, and developmentally children are not capable of understanding sex. Therefore, if a child is sexualized at an early age, there has been someone else to show them. Children do experiment innocently and occasionally will have a sexual encounter with another child, such as “playing doctor” or “I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.” These experiences are not to be blown out of proportion nor do they damage a child. But if a perpetrator misuses their authority or the relationship to gratify their own sexual desires, ensuing damage occurs. A perpetrator can be an adult or another child who is at least 4 years older.

There are some common myths about childhood sexual abuse. One is that it is rare. Some of the latest statistics show that approximately 1 in 4 females and 1 in 7 males have been sexually abused. Another myth is that if children are taught to avoid dangerous strangers, then they will not be abused. To the contrary, 85-90% of abusers are known to the children. Molesters appear normal in most ways. Often the abuser is a relative. It is a fact that incest crosses all social lines. Another myth is that if children consent, they must have liked it or even invited it. Absolutely not, the offender bears full responsibility for the abuse. Children are sensual, that is, they need loving touch and affection, but children are not sexual. Another myth is that children will forget about the abuse if adults don’t remind them. Kids may hide the hurt and even feel responsible for the abuse. They interpret the silence of the adult as blame or anger. Another myth is that children make up stories about sexual abuse. Sexual abuse involves shame and guilt and children rarely make up a story where they are “bad.” So please, adults, listen to children if they try to get a message across that hints of possible sexual abuse.

Children trapped in sexual abuse have a problem in that they need relationship but the very people that they are supposed to trust are not safe. There are a lot of ways that childhood sexual abuse can affect people later. Sexual abuse can fuel addictions of all kind as people seek to meet their own needs through substances or habits rather than relationships. The abused can become dutiful and mechanized, because passion scares them or got them into trouble in the first place. Abused people often numb or dissociate and do not have a wide range of emotion. The abused can become sexually active. The abused can shut down sexually, especially later in marriage. Or worse, the abused can become the abusers, perpetuating a cycle of abuse. However, the best efforts to deny the abuse usually pop up later in life, be it in the form of depression, anxiety, addictions, or relationship problems. I urge anyone who was sexually abused as a child to seek help. The pain needs to be faced in order to go on with a productive life. Since most people do not like or know how to discuss such sensitive issues, I generally encourage seeking out a professional counselor or therapist. The road to recovery is long and arduous, but it is definitely worth the journey.

Unfortunately, with so many sexual images all around us – on television, movies, billboards, magazines, and the internet – almost all of our children are being sexually abused. Even the most caring and concerned parent is virtually helpless to prevent the loss of childhood innocence. The resulting damage is potentially catastrophic to our society. For that reason, I think we desperately need some kind of moral outcry or spiritual revival.

The Legacy of Neglect and Abuse

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2004.

In my article last month I left you with what I consider a good definition of love: to have a profound concern for the welfare of another without any desire to control that other or to expect something in return. To restate it in the negative – it is not a selfish manipulation of someone else to meet your own needs or to fulfill your own desires and expectations. This type of manipulative love is what I would call a pseudo-love – it appears to be love and even masquerades as love but is not a true God-like unconditional love.

What then is the opposite of love? Why abuse, of course – you might say. And it is true that so many children today grow up in abusive homes. The paths of their lives are almost doomed to the fate of probable addictions, wrecked homes, or even criminal behavior. What many people do not know, however, is that their children can equally suffer from neglect. The harsh reality is that neglect can do as much damage as abuse, but it leaves a vacuum much harder to grieve or to qualify. Many adults are walking around today with nebulous undefined hurt in their hearts and do not know that the source is their own neglect from childhood. Both abuse and neglect fuel addictions.

There are obvious differences in abuse and neglect, which I will point out. But I also want to show their similarities in order to warn well-meaning parents of their possible ignorance in causing inadvertent neglect to their children.

The basic difference in abuse and neglect is the following: abuse allows bad things into children’s lives that parents are responsible for keeping out, whereas neglect fails to allow good things in that children need and parents are responsible for providing. But there are four similar ways in which children can be damaged by both abuse and neglect, which include the following:

1) Physically – To prevent abuse, it is the parents’ responsibility to protect the children from those on the outside who would harm them. But in order not to neglect children, parents need to touch their children and be physically present with them. They need to allow them to participate in activities that build relationships and healthy connections to their outside world.

2) Emotionally - To prevent abuse, parents need to protect children from those who would damage them emotionally, such as alcoholic parents, bullies or other verbally abusive people. But in order not to neglect their children, parents need to praise them and speak words of encouragement. They need to validate their children’s emotions.

3) Sexually - To prevent abuse, parents need to keep their children from any non-appropriate touching, fondling, exposure or ridicule. But to prevent neglect, parents are the ones who should provide age appropriate information to their children about their sexuality. They should model and send affirming messages to them about their maleness or femaleness. They should set appropriate dating boundaries when the time comes.

4) Spiritually – To prevent abuse, parents should not send negative messages only of harsh rules or of hellfire and brimstone. The worst possible abuse occurs when a spiritual leader, such as a pastor or youth director, sexually abuses a child, for the child is damaged both spiritually and sexually. But something that is becoming more prevalent and is a huge area of neglect is parents’ failure to pass on a faith heritage to their children. Parents, if you do not currently attend church or think it is important, consider involving your family for your children’s sake. Otherwise, they may flounder through life not knowing their meaning or purpose.

To recap, abuse and neglect are flip sides of the same coin. Both can cause great damage that will usually leave a legacy of pain and addictive behavior. To be a good parent, you not only need to keep the bad out but you must also add the good in.

Redefining Love

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in December 2003.

I have talked a lot in recent articles about the importance of love in both marriages and parent-child relationships. In this article I want to explore more what I mean by love and possibly redefine what it means to many people. Many of the pre-conceived notions and personal opinions that people have about love are erroneous and are instead just a guise for selfishness and manipulation.

First of all, if you feel loved, you know it! Just because someone says they love you or even does sacrificial things for you, that does not necessarily come across to you as love. In fact, an indication of a possible glitch in the relationship is a sense of feeling “icky” around someone. The reason is that if you are loved the way you need to be, you feel a sense of safety and acceptance and approachability with that person.

When my daughter got married three years ago, my toast at the rehearsal dinner to the young couple was this: “As a marriage counselor there is a lot of advice I could and would like to give you, but since I will be a mother-in-law I will refrain from doing so. However, there is one thing I would like to say to you as you begin your marriage – remember that true love is not given the way you would like to receive it yourself, but true love is given the way the other person needs it.”

As I counsel married couples, I urge them to become students of each other. Find out what the other likes and become creative and sacrificial in fulfilling those preferences. This is the norm for dating relationships but somehow often gets brushed aside in marriage. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages gives some good examples of ways couples can show their love to their partners.

To parents I give similar advice – become a student of your child. Many know the Proverb “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Often they interpret it to mean that if they instruct and discipline their child properly, then the child, even if he strays for a while, will return to the teachings of his parents. But a different translation of that verse may be to train a child “according to his way.” This implies respect for his individuality and abilities and is not about his self will. The stress is on parental opportunity and duty. Often parents bring an unruly or depressed teen to therapy. It is obvious they care about their child and have not neglected their parental responsibilities, but the child, born with an internal sensor, just does not respond to life positively and joyfully. Often the parents have regarded the child a reflection of themselves and want the child to fulfill their own unfulfilled desires and expectations. As a result, parents may inadvertently cause damage. Instead, if they would regard each child as a unique gift from God, given to them for a period of time to help shape and develop, then the child will usually be set on a good path for the rest of his or her life.

In summary, a good way of redefining love is to have a profound concern for the welfare of another without any desire to control that other or to expect something in return. This is the kind of love that just feels right.

Loving Discipline

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2003.

In my previous articles, I have talked about the need for having safe, caring families where there is good wholesome communication. It may have seemed I have tipped the scales on the side of love. “Where is the proper place for discipline?” you may ask. That is the topic I would like to address – where does discipline fit in?

Rightly so, love must be balanced with discipline. In fact, one of the purposes of the family is to provide the discipline a child needs to develop into a healthy adult who has character and functions well in society. Parents need to provide the boundaries to acceptable behavior in their children. These boundaries actually provide safety and show the child your love. Parents simply cannot “just be friends” with their child.

I prefer, however, to use the concept of “teaching” as opposed to “discipline.” Discipline seems to imply punishment, which is, in fact, the tool most parents use to train their children. But teaching involves so much more than punishing what a child does wrong – it also involves rewarding and encouraging right behavior in a child. Teaching shapes and prepares a child for the future.

Let me say this – teaching a child is hard work. It may be a job you did not realize you signed up for, but it is your God given responsibility as a parent. I like to tell parents that parenting is front-end loaded – that is, if they work really hard with their toddlers, their teens will be easier. But with so many parents working and distracted with their own problems, and especially with so many single-parent homes, the time to invest in training children is not readily available. But I urge you to make the time. There’s only a small window of opportunity for good parenting, so it is worth prioritizing.

Also, in addition to parents not making the time for molding their children, many parents find themselves teachers without training. Our culture does not train us to train our children. I encourage you as parents to look to books and counselors for help.

One of the hardest tasks in teaching children is being consistent. Parents need not only to clearly state their expectations to their children, but they need to let the children know there will be consequences to negative behavior and then need to follow through with those consequences on a consistent basis. Children are learners by nature. In fact, they learn all too easily. They may learn if they throw a tantrum or argue with mom or dad, what do they get – the attention they want. Sometimes, kids crave the attention of their parents or those around them and will go to great lengths to get it, even if it is negative attention. So by withdrawing the benefit, that is, by leaving the room or wordlessly going about business as usual, often the negative behavior stops. So it is worth exploring – what is the not so obvious benefit in the negative behavior? Then, how can I spot and encourage and reward the right behavior?

Back to the balance scales, is it 50-50 – love and discipline? If I had to tip the scales one way or the other, I would tip them on the side of love.