How Well Do You Listen?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2009.

I wrote about the importance of good communication skills as a key to satisfactory relationships in a previous article (see July 2009). What many people do not realize is that the flip side of talking effectively is listening effectively. Listening is not just passive, but it too is a skill that needs to be developed in order for caring communication to occur.

Most of us have habits that keep us from paying full attention to the person talking, especially when there is a stressful or complicated issue. Often we pay only partial attention because we are rehearsing what we are going to say next. At other times, as we listen, we mainly are evaluating what the other person is saying and we are forming judgments about whether it is right or wrong or whether we agree or disagree. We may then become more reactive than attentive and more prone to interrupt and perhaps defend our position. When we listen in these ways, we keep our focus more on our own experience than on the other person’s.

However, to be understood by another person is a key route to intimacy and connection in a close relationship, such as that of a spouse, a child, or a good friend. What good listening does is to put your own concerns on hold temporarily and to allow the talker to tell his or her full story spontaneously, without your interference. Your goal is understanding – without necessarily agreeing or disagreeing, blaming or defending, or jumping into action by offering a solution. In other words, the key to listening is following!

Some skills to accomplish this active listening include attending to the other person. When you attend, you give him or her your full attention by listening with your body and mind. If possible, stop other activity that could be distracting. Turn your body toward the other person and give him or her eye contact whenever possible. In other words, give the person talking the floor. This values him or her by signaling your availability and interest.

Another listening skill is acknowledging someone else’s message. By this you let the person know either verbally or nonverbally that you are with him or her. You validate his or her experience, even though you may not fully agree with it. An acknowledgement can range from a simple nod of your head or an “uh-huh” to making a brief interpretative statement, such as “I can see you’re upset by this.” When your acknowledgement taps the talker’s experience accurately, the impact can be powerful. And the person talking can experience your acceptance and affirmation, or in other words, your empathy or ability to put yourself in his or her shoes.

If time allows, inviting more information is a powerful listening tool. How often in today’s hurried world are you asked, “Tell me more,” or “Is there anything else you want me to know?” Most people unconsciously test listeners with brief pauses to see if it is okay to continue talking. They do not tell what they are deeply thinking, feeling, or wanting unless they are sure the listener really wants to know. But many listeners take the pause as a cue to jump in and start directing the conversation by giving advice or asking questions. If you do not do this but instead invite the talker to tell you more, he or she will lead you to more useful information. Continue inviting until the talker has nothing more to add. At this point you will realize you have heard his or her full story.

Lastly, the skill of summarizing helps ensure the accuracy of your understanding of the other person. Rather than say, “I understand what you are saying,” which can sound a bit arrogant (and may be untrue), instead summarize back to him or her what you thought you heard. Many misunderstandings do not occur due to lack of good will but instead to what happens to the message internally, such as an embellishment or misinterpretation of what was meant. By paraphrasing back what you thought you heard, you ask for confirmation. If your the talker agrees, you are assured you share the meaning. A shared meaning occurs when the message sent by one person is the same as the message received by the other.

In summary, listening is an active skill which is a vital component of good communication and which can promote understanding in close relationships. It can also reduce interpersonal tension and build trust in relationships. And actively listening earns you the right to also be heard and understood. (Note: Reference for the articles on communication skills – Talking and Listening Together by Sherod Miller, et al.)

How Well Do You Communicate?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2009.

Most people realize that the key to good relationships is communication. But how many have actually been taught good communication skills? It has been shown that a person can have a good caring attitude yet their communication can still be unclear or misunderstood. This is where skill enters in.

Basic to all communication skills is speaking for self. When you speak for yourself, you combine a personal pronoun – “I,” “me,” “my,” or “mine” – with other parts of your message. To speak for self is to take responsibility for what you say. As a result, your messages are clearer and easier for others to hear and less apt to be discounted. As a person, you have a right to your beliefs and opinions and should be considered an authority on your own experience. Examples are, “Here’s my idea” or “I feel frustrated when you do that.”

An opposing way of speaking for self is to speak for others. When you speak for others, you usually make “you statements.” When you do so, you stimulate defensiveness in others and resistance to what you say simply by the way you say it. Others may interpret your words as trying to control what they think, feel, or want. Few people like someone else running their lives, even if what is said is true. Examples are, “That’s not what you really mean,” or “You made me angry.” A way to further raise defensiveness is to combine words like “should” or “ought” with “you statements.” For example, “You should do this” or “You ought to change that.” There are, however, acceptable times for using “you statements,” as in the case of the teacher to student, the parent to child, or the employer to employee – all for purposes of instruction. But I would caution you to use “you statements” sparingly if you want your message to be received.

Another important communication skill is to ask open questions. Open questions often begin with a “W” word: Who, What, Where, and When; or the word How. Open questions are more effective questions because they give others more choice about how to answer. In contrast, closed, narrow or leading questions limit or attempt to direct others’ responses. For example, “Are you mad or sad?” (This requires an either-or response.) Better would be, “How do you feel?” Another example is, “Isn’t this the best meal you’ve ever had?” (This requires a yes or no response.) Better would be, “What did you think about the meal?”

A specific type of question to avoid is the “Why” question. Do you recall the last time someone asked you, “Why did you do that?” Do you recall feeling tense or on the spot? This is a typical reaction to “Why” questions. Also, “Why” questions usually disguise statements. The tone of voice accompanying them is often negative. They have the tendency to challenge or blame or to get you to justify or defend yours actions or positions. Furthermore, you can seldom give a satisfactory answer to a “why” question, because the intent of most “why” questions is not to gain information but to persuade. For example, “Why are you wearing that?” may have the disguised message of “I don’t want you to wear that.” The only acceptable time for a “Why” question is when you have a genuine curiosity about a subject and you completely withhold judgment about the person’s response.

Asking open questions can be a powerful way to connect to someone. However, some people mistakenly believe that good communication involves asking a lot of questions. Too many questions can actually interfere with effective communication because they can start to direct the story of the person talking. And they can interfere with the natural flow of a talker’s story. When you raise a question, the talker has to stop and think about what you just asked. As a result, the talker may be led away or distracted from what he or she wants to say. If given the chance, most people can tell their story best without prompting questions.

Realize that each time you say something, your message contains two parts: what you say – the content, and how you say it – the style. It doesn’t matter how accurate your content is if your non-verbal communication, such as the tone of your voice or your body language, says something different. Remember to be aware both of what you say and how you say it. And if your intent is to connect with others rather than to control them, your communication will be more effective.

The Here and Now

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2009.

Do you ever think about where you focus your attention? Often, many people are either planning the future or reminiscing about the past. Or they are busy doing things, often multitasking, and are not tuning in to their thoughts. To quote Susan Stone, who teaches Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction at the University of Virginia, “Rarely is our mind in the same place as our body. So, tragically, we miss a lot of our own lives.” She believes that the quality of life depends on where you focus. You might not need to get a new job or move to a different city to live a more fulfilling life. Instead you could pay closer attention to the “here and now.”

There are some other expressions that also describe this same concept, including “present living” or “mindfulness.” The idea is that the more you can live in the present moment, the less likely you will be to experience the suffering which occurs from worrying about the future or being stuck in the past. Also, the more you can be present to what is actually happening in the moment or can be in touch with what is really real, the better you will be able to enjoy a richer and more fulfilling life. Research now shows that this type of focused attention on the here and now reduces the symptoms of illnesses such as heart disease, chronic pain and addiction. Also, those who live in the present tend to be happier and less stressed. They are better able to relax and have a greater appreciation for themselves and others. Also, they often feel a stronger connection with their own faith.

Just how do you do this, i.e., learn to be present to the here and now? A way to begin is to become aware of your senses – what you see, hear, touch, taste or smell. For example, if you are taking a walk on a nice day, begin to notice what you see in the beauty of your surroundings, such as the clear blue sky or the white fluffy clouds; pay attention to the sounds you hear, such as the birds or the lawn mower; notice what you feel, such as the wind on your face or the heat of the sun; or take in the smells, such as the flowers or the cut grass. Another level of awareness is your thought life. Many people do not know they can acknowledge their thoughts but then can let them “pass by” rather than dwell on them – or that they can challenge their thoughts. A deeper level of awareness includes being tuned in to your emotions, rather than being hooked in to them. And a further level of awareness is being receptive to your own desires – asking yourself what you really want to do as opposed to what you should do or what others expect you to do. All of these aspects of awareness are an ability to step back and self-reflect. You are asking yourself: what am I sensing, what am I thinking, what am I feeling, what am I wanting. Often the simple ability to do this helps you think and act with more clarity. But while this sounds simple to do, it can actually be very challenging.

Sometimes by focusing on your breathing you can become more present. The reason is that paying attention to your experience of inhaling and exhaling brings you to the present, as you can only breathe in the present. When your mind begins to wander, you can simply return your attention to breathing. This technique is often used in meditation practices, which used to only be associated with Eastern religion or New Age practices. However, mindfulness is not a particular religious belief but a practical truth born out in scores of research findings in the last 15 years from the fields of psychology, medicine, education and neuroscience. In his book, The Mindful Brain, psychiatrist and brain researcher Daniel Siegel describes how mindfulness can enhance relationships even at the level of brain structure. Somehow in cultivating a more attuned and loving relationship to yourself, you nurture your capacity for more loving relationships with others.

As daily life becomes more media saturated, the skill to make choices about where you place your attention becomes increasingly valuable. When you let your mind be hijacked, you usually cannot see things clearly. The inability to slow down and live in the present may be an indication of underlying fears or issues that need to be resolved. Just remember – the here and now is really all you have. Why not embrace it and find the satisfaction that comes from living in it!

Double Jeopardy - Anxiety and Depression

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2009.

Anxiety and depression are two different but often related disorders that plague many in our society. The World Health Organization now ranks depression as the 4^th most significant cause of suffering and disability worldwide, behind heart disease, cancer and traffic accidents. Sadly, it is predicted that by the year 2020, depression will be the 2^nd most debilitating condition. Most people who are depressed are also suffering from anxiety disorder. In fact, anxiety often precedes depression. As life keeps getting faster and faster and more complicated, people simply do not have the resources for coping.

Let’s spend a few moments defining anxiety and depression, in the most general of terms.

Anxiety can be likened to a state of fear without specific knowledge of why one is fearful. Almost anyone can be made anxious but an anxious person is that way no matter what – almost as if s/he is looking for a crisis. An anxious person’s mood is that of tension, panic, and apprehension. There is a sense of impending doom. Sometimes a person with anxiety experiences physical symptoms, such as heart palpitations, sweating, dry mouth, an increase in blood pressure, throbbing sensations in the head, shallow breathing, muscular tension, or chest pain. Anxious people may feel pain in their head, stomach or back. Some of their motor symptoms may include fidgetiness, an exaggerated startle response, restlessness, an inability to sit down, or pointless movement. Ultimately at the core of anxiety is an issue of control – as if any of us has control over anything in this life.

You might say that anxiety is about the future – about the “what if’s?” of life. Depression, on the other hand, is more about the past. At the core of most depression is usually disappointment. It may begin with a blocked goal of not getting what you want, which may lead to anger, which may lead to trying harder. But once you realize your blocked goal is no longer attainable, this may lead to depression. You might say it is anger turned inward. Two of the major symptoms of depression are feeling sad or down nearly everyday and losing interest or pleasure in most activities. Other symptoms include loss of appetite or marked increase of appetite – especially craving sweets or other carbohydrates, a decrease in energy, tiredness, feelings of worthlessness, an impaired ability to concentrate, and sometimes thoughts of suicide. Problems with sleep are the most common symptom of both depression and anxiety. However, some depressed people can oversleep.

Anxiety and depression may be the result of a variety of biological or psychological reasons. But they also have a social component as well. People who are suffering from them often have less social support and more marital problems and conflicts. Also, there is a greater risk of passing these disorders on to their children. They, in fact, intensify from one generation to the next.

Most people who have anxiety or depression do not seek help. However, there is much that can be done to help. Telling a depressed person just to “snap out of it” will not work. Exercise, though, is a wonderful tool and is almost as effective as medication. There are wonderful medicines for anxiety and depression but a word of caution: medication will not get to the root of the problem. Research shows that medication in combination with psychotherapy is the most effective way of healing anxiety and/or depression. I also think that faith and prayer are wonderful antidotes for anxiety and depression as they bring answers to many of life’s difficulties and uncertainties. In conclusion, please be aware of the danger of having anxiety and/or depression or the double jeopardy of having both – not only to yourself but to your family as well.

Sleepless in America

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2009.

An important question I ask all my clients is this: “How are you sleeping?” The answer to this question provides important information about a person’s mental health as well as their physical health. Unfortunately, sleep disorders are fast becoming one of the most prevalent health concerns in our nation. A recent National Sleep Foundation poll found that 76 percent of adults reported at least one symptom of a sleep disorder at least a few nights every week or more.

Most of these people suffer insomnia, which is defined as difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or obtaining healthy, restorative sleep. Insomnia is more common in women and increases with age, medical problems, and psychiatric disorders. It’s also very common among adolescents. Compelling evidence suggests that chronic sleep loss is a critical factor in a broad range of health concerns, including an increased risk for viral infections, cardiovascular disease, obesity, diabetes, and cancer. It can sometimes cause depression or be a symptom of depression.

Why are we having such problems sleeping? One reason is we may be too wired at night to naturally unwind. Since the invention of the light bulb, people do not downshift with the onset of night but instead do chores, watch TV, surf the Internet as well as a whole host of activities. In fact, almost anything that used to be done only in the day can now be done at night, including shopping or working. There’s no natural circadian rhythm of activity followed by rest, as our forebears experienced. In fact, light stimulates the release of serotonin, which energizes us, whereas darkness stimulates the release of melatonin, which helps us sleep. But people have trouble turning off their lights and unwinding enough at night for natural sleep to occur.

Another major reason for sleep disturbance could be the presence of anxiety and/or depression. A good way to assess for these is to distinguish when the person is experiencing insomnia. Generally, a sleep onset delay is associated with anxiety. This occurs when a person cannot fall asleep for 2-3 hours. When a person wakes up 2-3 hours early and can’t go back to sleep, this is more typical of depression. Sometimes there is a middle insomnia, where a person sleeps 2-3 hours and wakes up and tosses and turns the rest of the night. Often this is associated with the use of alcohol, which initially helps a person fall asleep but may wake him or her up later.

There are many artificial means of fighting insomnia, including prescription and over-the-counter sleep medications, but these have limited effectiveness and should only be a temporary solution. They often don’t provide a natural healthy sleep. In fact, benedryl, which is the chief component in the “PM” drugs, suppresses dreaming and light dreaming is a good sign of restorative sleep. Plus those medicines that also contain acetaminophen can lead to liver damage.

So what should we do to solve our problems with sleeplessness? First determine if you have anxiety or depression or medical problems that are sleep related and get help for those. And in general – VALUE REST! Begin to slow down and relax and learn to transition to healthy sleep. This involves turning off the lights, including TV and computer monitors, as darkness itself is a good sleep medicine. If you wish to read or write, consider using a low-wattage book light. Sometimes nighttime is the one time when you have to face yourself, and many people are uncomfortable with this. They prefer to crash to sleep, which is a sign of sleep debt, or be knocked out – only to face themselves in the middle of the night. A much better way is to drift to sleep and naturally let go of our waking consciousness.

The Detriments of Eating Disorders

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2008.

Body dissatisfaction plagues most women as well as a rising number of men. While it is normal to care about appearance, there is a point at which normal caring can turn obsessive and interfere with daily life and, more importantly, relationships.

Before discussing the negatives of eating disorders, let’s first lay a foundation by defining what they are. There are two major eating disorders – bulimia nervosa and anorexia nervosa. They share a common component – compensatory methods to prevent weight gain. However, the main difference that divides the two is that bulimics use extraordinary means to maintain their proper weight while anorexics use extraordinary means to maintain a below normal body weight. Also, bulimia is characterized by binge eating, which is then followed by inappropriate means to keep from gaining weight, with self-induced vomiting being the most common method. Other means include the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas, or other medications; fasting; or excessive exercise. Anorexics primarily lose weight by the reduction in their total food intake or a diet restricted to only a few foods. They may also lose weight in ways similar to bulimics, such as purging and excessive exercise. (Note: exercise may be considered excessive when it significantly interferes with important activities or occurs at inappropriate times or settings or when the individual continues to exercise despite injury or other medical complications.)

Anorexics and bulimics are both intensely afraid of weight gain but for anorexics this fear is not eliminated by weight loss. In fact, concern about weight gain often increases even as their actual weight decreases. They have a distorted body image and think they are overweight when indeed they are underweight. Anorexics can lose weight in similar ways as bulimics but are “more successful” as they are prone to perfectionism and love the sense of self-control they have over food. Bulimics often binge in secret. While binging, a person may feel a sense of euphoria but later feels ashamed and depressed and out of control. They then take control with compensatory methods to prevent weight gain. While eating disorders may arise due to living in a culture where there are pressures to be thin, they more often also have a past history of abuse at their source.

To understand disordered eating, it is helpful to understand what natural order has been disrupted. When one thinks of food and its purpose, food is basically fuel for our bodies. However, food is also a source of pleasure and is often used for celebration purposes. When someone has an eating disorder, food changes from its normal function: it changes from a gift to a weapon and rarely is it something celebratory. For people with eating disorders, food becomes their focus. They think about food all the time, but they control it.

So why are eating disorders harmful if they achieve successful weight loss? For one, bulimia can cause ever-increasing harm to one’s health over time, including erosion of dental enamel due to recurrent vomiting, calluses on the surface of the hand due to stimulating the gag reflex, menstrual irregularities and amenorrhea, electrolyte imbalances, and a tendency to be depressed, just to name a few. And anorexia can be even more harmful, with many of the same symptoms as well as the symptoms of starvation, such as emaciation, cold intolerance, renal and cardiovascular problems, osteoporosis, and potential death.

In addition to health concerns, when food becomes one’s main focus, then other life goals and purposes slip in importance. Eating disorders also interfere with marriage and family relationships because it is almost impossible to have a close intimate relationship with a person who has an eating disorder because their attention is on controlling the food. Eating disorders are serious detriments to one’s health and to healthy relationships, and people who have them need to seek help – usually medical help as well as professional counseling.

A Fair and Balance Childhood

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2008.

To borrow an expression from a popular television network, I’d like to discuss what I would call a “fair and balanced” approach to parenting children. Children come into this world completely reliant on their parents for food, clothing, shelter, teaching, love – virtually everything. They are truly dependent in every sense of the word. Yet it is not long before a toddler can walk and talk and begin to interact with us. And by 5 or 6 years old, children can even seem quite “adult like.” A serious error can be made if we as adults assume they are and we begin to rely on them and treat them as small adults.

There is a therapy term I often use to describe the child who is treated like an adult – the “parentified” child. This is the child who often becomes the junior parent – who takes care of smaller children, who prepares meals, who worries about money, who stays alone for long periods of time. Of even more serious consequence, this parentified child often becomes the companion or confidante to one or both parents. While a child is able to do this – and I have seen children as young as 3 years old become the caretakers of their parents’ feelings – it is simply not fair to a child. Childhood is the time for being “child like” – to slowly grow, to learn by playing, and to work alongside parents with age appropriate responsibilities. Parents should give to their children and not manipulate children to meet their needs.

Another notion that is prevalent in today’s thinking is that lots of praise will help children grow in their self-esteem. While it is all right to praise when praise is due, it can become out of balance. When every kindergarten drawing is treated like a Picasso or every T-ball game is treated like the major leagues, the child gets the message that he or she is expected to fulfill their parents’ expectations of them. They even sense inside that something is wrong – they know what they’re doing is not that special. Praise can be a subtle form of manipulation that causes children to become people pleasers. I have heard many grown clients share how their parents did not help them by giving them so much focused attention and by telling them they were wonderful all the time. They would have preferred that their parents had helped them develop their true talents and abilities and had been more honest about their shortcomings. This would have better prepared them for the real world where their peers and bosses are not as enamored with them as their parents. In fact, some studies have shown that praise and criticism are the flip side of the same coin and that too much of either one is damaging. Hence, a more balanced view is in order.

I recently had the opportunity to observe my two-year-old granddaughter over our summer vacation. My daughter remarked how happy her daughter seemed and I said I thought it was because she was part of a large group of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. It naturally gave her a sense of security – of having a settled feeling that there was something bigger than her going on that did not depend on her. To quote John Eldredge, “ You’ve heard that children care more that their parents love each other than that they love them and this is the reason why. It’s the assurance that there is something grand and good going on that doesn’t rest on your shoulders, something that doesn’t even culminate in you, but rather invites you up into it.”

We have come a long way from the generations that viewed that “children should be seen and not heard” to the current generation of kid worship, albeit with the added burden of kids bearing responsibility for their parents’ happiness. But a more fair and balanced view, I think, should exist: children should be a part – not the point.