The well-known saying that everything is fair in love and war may be widely accepted, but I beg to disagree. And contrary to what many married couples think – that avoiding conflict is the most peaceful thing to do to promote harmony – just the opposite is true: conflict actually promotes intimacy! It is all right to have a fight, but not just any approach will do, and some approaches may cause lasting harm to a relationship. Knowing how to fight fair is critical to your survival as a happy couple.
So what do most couples fight about? When it comes to the big list, research shows that money is the number one issue regardless of income. Couples are constantly faced with financial decisions and many have conflicting spending and saving styles, usually based on how their families of origin handled money. Other big topic issues include sex, in-laws, children, and chores. But not all conflicts revolve around big issues – many erupt over relatively minor issues. Often couples simply bicker about things that do not seem to matter. These are signs that you are not getting to the real issues.
Successful couples have learned to resolve conflict without leaving battle scars. First of all, they don’t run from strife. The rule of thumb is: when one spouse brings up an issue, the other has to respond. However, one of the most destructive things in a marriage can be the growing sense that you are walking through a mine field and your spouse might explode with an issue at any minute and without warning. Instead of having arguments whenever issues come up, you should agree to deal with them when you are both able to do it well. Trying to force an issue when the other person is tired or not prepared only generates more tension. However, it then becomes incumbent on the partner who is not ready to set another time, preferably within a day or two, that is agreeable to both. Sometimes the length of time you will discuss the issue needs to be set, such a one hour, only to pick up the discussion at a more convenient time, rather than talking on and on. Having a rule that either partner can call a time out if the discussion gets angrily out of hand can also be helpful.
Another thing successful couples do is to define the issue clearly. When you feel the tension rising inside, ask yourself what is really bugging you. Often it is not the event but a hidden issue beneath the event. For example, if a wife complains about her husband coming home late from work, the real issue might be that she does not feel cared for. Also, stay on issue! Do not move from one issue to another, saying perhaps “And another thing: Why do you always . . . ?” Escalation occurs when partners negatively respond back and forth to each other, continually upping the ante so that conditions get worse and worse. And once negative abusive comments are made, they are hard to take back and usually threaten the lifeblood of the marriage.
Once you have contracted to discuss a defined issue, be sure to discuss it fully. And be sure to state your feelings directly. The “X, Y, Z” formula is one way to do this where you fill in the blanks: “In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z. For example, “When you work late and you do not let me know, I feel unloved and lonely.” Instead of being defensive, the partner should be willing to listen. Softening your tone and validating your spouse’s point of view are powerful tools to end escalation. Sometimes the very process of understanding the issue itself becomes the solution. At other times, it is necessary to brainstorm for solutions and to compromise with the solutions that best take into consideration both partners.
In conclusion, fighting is not bad in marriage – and can even be beneficial, but how you fight is the primary indicator of the future happiness of a marriage. Fighting fair opens the door to a more vital and intimate marriage.
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