Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2006.

Why does Prince Charming sometimes turn into a terrifying beast even before the honeymoon is over? Some women report similar personality changes in their husbands in the first few months of marriage. Imagine the horror of discovering that your dream man is really Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – a nice, charming, caring man in public, but an angry, domineering abuser at home.

It can be difficult to profile an abuser. Many abusers are very charming, well-dressed, cultured people who act one way in public and another way in private. Often during the dating stage, they put their best foot forward. There are certainly some men who are victims of abusive women who use emotional and verbal abuse to control and intimidate. However, since the majority of abusers are men, I will refer to them as such in the remainder of the article, but do keep in mind the reverse is possible.

The woman who lives with an abuser is confused by the double messages he sends, and is often not believed by friends, relatives or pastors when she describes what really goes on at home. As she begins to doubt her own perceptions, she blames herself for the problems and even works harder to please the abuser in hopes of gaining his approval. However, this is a game that can never be won. Once she changes a certain behavior to please him, he will find something else to target. Since nothing she does pleases him, she begins to doubt her ability to function as a wife or mother. Usually, it is when she starts doubting her own sanity that she reaches out for help.

Some of the telltale signs of an abusive relationship include: 1) He uses his male privilege as being the head of the house to make all the rules and decisions, treating his wife as a servant or a child. He obsesses on her “duties” as a wife. 2) He believes that her opinions and feelings have no value and her needs are not important. 3) He is charming and well-liked in public but the family has to “walk on eggshells” to prevent making him angry. 4) He yells, belittles, threatens, or sulks when he does not get his way or when she does something to displease him. 5) She feels confused and off-balance when without warning he changes from being loving and kind to angry and cruel. 6) No matter how much she changes or tries to please him, he is never satisfied. She feels inadequate and guilty and believes it must be her fault. She begins to wonder if she is going crazy. 7) He is possessive and jealous, especially when she talks and associates with other men. Sometimes he acts jealous of the time she spends with the children. He may try to restrict her activities and make her a prisoner in her own home. 8) Because of his possessiveness, she may disassociate from family and friends in order to keep him happy. She needs these relationships, but it is more important for her to keep the peace. 9) When anything goes wrong, he always blames her. If she were more submissive, more sensitive to his needs, more like so-and-so’s wife, etc., then all their problems would be solved. He sees himself as a good husband for putting up with her. He is blind to his own faults and does not take responsibility for his own actions. 10) He controls the money, giving her a small allowance, preventing her from getting a job, or making her ask for money and demanding a full accounting of what was spent. This often leaves her trapped without the means to leave or get help. 11) He may use the children to convey messages or threaten to take them away or abuse them. 12) When he is displeased and does not get his way, he yells, hurls insults, breaks or throws objects, or is physically violent. He may threaten to hurt or kill or commit suicide.

If you are in a relationship with most of these characteristics present, seek help immediately from a pastor or therapist who understands the dynamics of abuse. Don’t be continually lured back into the abusive cycle by gifts and flowers and empty promises. You are not in a healthy relationship nor are you modeling one for your children.

Qualities of a Good Marriage

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta's Wedding Issue in 2006.

For so long the trend has been to fall in love, marry, and just hope for the best. The truth is, most engaged couples prepare more for their wedding than they do for their marriage. Somehow they think that marriage will just magically happen and they will “live happily ever after.” But the alarming statistics are that marital dissatisfaction is happening sooner than ever before, with many couples experiencing serious problems within the first two years. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Having a good marriage can become less of a mystery if people would become more purposeful in educating themselves and preparing for marriage. Also, after marrying, if couples would seek help sooner, at the first signs of marital distress, rather than later, they could avoid having unhappiness set in with the accompanying desire of one or both partners just to leave the marriage.

Often if you ask people what makes a good marriage, nearly 90% of them say “being in love.” But if you ask them to list the essential ingredients, in a survey of 1000 people, no single item was mentioned by at least half of the group. In other words, most people can’t agree on what love is. Or they don’t know. In past centuries the topic of love used to belong to the poets and philosophers. Chaucer even said, “Love is blind.” But today that is not an excuse. The blindfolds have come off and the subject of love has been researched and put to scrutiny in the laboratory. Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, perhaps the premier authority on communication skills today, has used high-tech equipment and a team of researchers to study marriage for more than twenty years. His team is able to predict which marriages will improve and which ones will deteriorate with a 95% accuracy rate. Dr. Gottman can spot and track a couple’s marital breakdown by observing how they handle conflict.

So what are the qualities of a good marriage? Robert Sternberg, a Yale University psychologist, has developed what he calls the “triangular model,” which I believe is one of the most encompassing views of marriage to date. In his view, love is a triangle with three foundational sides: passion, intimacy, and commitment. I use this model often in a first session with married couples. I usually get both spouses to rate themselves in each category on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest level of each, in order to gauge the current condition of the marriage.

According to Sternberg, passion is the motivational side of marriage – that intense desire for physical affection that draws a couple together initially. Passion can be almost possessive, fostering a fascination that borders on obsession. It drives couples to an extreme level of preoccupation with one another, to the point they can’t bear to tear themselves apart. In the February 2006 issue of National Geographic, the lead story is “Love – A Chemical Reaction.” It has actually been proven that a chemical reaction takes place in the brain involving the release of dopamine. And brain scans of people in love match those of people who have obsessive-compulsive disorder. However, this effect is shown to wear off in everyone, usually in approximately 1 ½ years. So for the couples who believe they have found their one true love and nothing can break this magic spell, great disillusionment can set in when this stage wears off. However, the article offers hope. It says that the couple can move “from the dopamine-drenched state of romantic love to the relative quiet of an oxytocin-induced attachment.” Ocytocin is a hormone that promotes a feeling of connection or bonding. It is released when we hug each other, when a mother nurses her infant, or when someone has an orgasm. In relationships that fail, “chances are the couple has not found a way to stimulate or sustain oxytocin production.”

The second leg of Sternberg’s triangle is intimacy, which is the emotional side of love’s triangle. Pure passion is self-seeking until it is linked with intimacy. One cannot sustain a relationship over the long haul without really knowing a person. Intimacy has a “best friend” aspect to the marriage. In fact, the lack of intimacy is the number one enemy of marriage. Without it, people can live under the same roof and lead parallel lives but will be isolated and lonely. Intimacy hinges on sharing deep thoughts and feelings, on good communication, on honesty and support.

The third leg of love’s triangle is commitment, which is the cognitive side of marriage. Commitment looks toward an uncertain future and says “for better or worse” and promises to be there “until death.” It also is a decision to “forsake all others.” Commitment gives our partner security, which is essential to married love. Without commitment, people can wander aimlessly and helplessly in and out of relationships, which unfortunately many do.

These three essential qualities vary over time and from person to person. Two partners can even be out of sync with one feeling loving towards the other while the spouse feels unloved. But it is so important to know, especially early on, that the passion that begins a marriage cannot sustain a marriage. Love will undergo numerous changes and evolve into many different forms over a lifetime together. Accepting love’s ebb and flow can allow you to relax and enjoy its many manifestations. But it is important to know that all three qualities are necessary to have a consummate love, which should be the goal of marriage. It is a goal to attain and then maintain, giving attention to each side of love’s triangle. It usually occurs later in the marriage and is worth working and waiting for. You know when it happens because at those graceful moments, both partners experience the same rhythm, like in a dance, of passion, intimacy and commitment at the same time.

The Perils of Perfectionism

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2006.

On first glance, you might say: “what’s wrong with perfectionism?” Isn’t that what Americans are taught to strive for? Our society certainly does value perfect looks as well as achievement of high standards in business, academia and athletics. And parents and teachers alike praise and reward perfectionist children. What may be unknown is that there can be some perils to perfectionism.

On the outside perfectionists are those people who appear to have high standards and pursue excellence. They seem to be full of energy and enthusiasm and to have a positive self-image. However, perfectionism often covers anxiety, fears, poor relationships, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, rage, depression, and suicidal impulses. These people struggle with the same problems as those who are under-achievers, who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, and who act out with violent or destructive behavior. The major difference is that society rewards the perfectionists and frowns on the those who are addicted, often viewing the latter as weak or lacking in self-control.

A way to know if someone’s perfectionism is not healthy is to determine if they set unrealistic high standards and are continuously upset with self-criticism, concern over mistakes, and doubts about doing the right thing. It is not good if their sense of self worth seems to depend entirely on their performance and production. For example, the straight A student becomes completely distraught over making a B or the premier athlete cannot shake off making a bad play in the game. This is not to say there is no room for disappointment when a person with high standards makes a mistake. But the difference is that a person who has healthy standards can be upset and disappointed when they mess up but can also recover and be forgiving of themselves. They don’t continue to carry the shame and guilt about failing for an extended period of time. They can also relax and enjoy other aspects of life, such as fun activities or relating to friends. They do not see life as black or white – as complete success or complete failure.

It is very difficult to give up the relentless pursuit of perfectionism, speaking as a recovering perfectionist myself. But one of the ways to do it is to recognize that all of us are human, which inherently means that we make mistakes and that we cannot say or do the right thing at all times and have everyone like us. Also, being loved and accepted by others for who we are and not just what we do – even if it’s by only one significant person in our life – can free us to accept ourselves. Loving friends, family members, teachers and church groups can do this for us. They can also begin to recognize the possible perils of perfectionism and see some inherent dangers in it, rather than automatically to assume it is a positive trait and reward, or even worse, demand it.

The Switchboard

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2006.

My good friend Charlice Gillespie often recounted wonderful tales of growing up in the small town of Inverness in the 1920's. One of her stories had to do with the local telephone switchboard operator. To make a phone call back then, everyone had to go through the switchboard operator, who as you can guess possessed a wealth of information. Charlice says that the operator would often inform people of each other’s whereabouts. She recounts attempting to call her friend and the operator informed her the friend had gone to lunch and she would need to call back later. Another time she tried to call home from college at night, and the operator told her that it was too late to be calling her parents because they might be asleep and to call back in the morning.

Obviously, we don’t have or need switchboards of that kind today in our world of cell phones with instant and direct communication. In fact, a young person might not even know what one is. The closest semblance might be automated voice mail. Telephone switchboards with human operators are a thing of the past. But families often have a semblance of the old telephone switchboard operating in their relationships. By this I mean that one member of the family, usually a mother or a grandmother, acts as the switchboard operator. This person receives all the information and then distributes it to other family members, including spouse, children, or extended relatives. This can be a great position for the person who operates the switchboard, for she is “in the know” and gets to relate to all the members. But it can be detrimental to other relationships in the family – the reason being that they do not have their own relationship with each person.

While it is natural for a mother or grandmother to be the switchboard operator in their families, for women by nature are keepers of relationships, I would encourage these carriers of information to widen their circle. The reason is that it promotes healthier families for each member to have their own access to other members. This does not take away from the person at the switchboard having full, rich relationships with anyone. I encourage that. But it allows for more security and connection for all members. Then if the switchboard operator is not there one day, the family won’t drift apart, as some do, nor will they have to struggle so hard to re-negotiate their relationships.

When I discovered this principle, I found myself operating the switchboard in my family, as my mother before me had done. I recall my mother relaying to me what my dad thought or said. Looking back I wish I had known him more intimately myself. I then began to encourage my family members to establish their own connections with each other. My husband now phones our grown children and initiates outings with them. Sometimes the children call me and sometimes they call him. My children each stay in contact with each other. I don’t always get all the information, but I have the assurance that they all care for each other and would be all right should something happen to me. I encourage you to promote these healthy connections in your family as well. Do so by making the position of the switchboard operator obsolete in your family just as it is in today’s world.

The Vital Signs of a Healthy Marriage

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2005.

Have you wondered if you have a healthy marriage? If you would like to get a check-up on your marriage, I would offer that there are several vital signs that determine its health. In fact, as a therapist, I usually identify the stages of marital conflict much like the stages of cancer. Couples in Stage I have a low level of conflict whereas couples in Stage IV have extremely high levels. Also, a definitive marker for Stage IV is the engagement of an attorney by one or both spouses. This move usually closes the door on reconciliation and places the marriage in an adversarial context. Unfortunately, most couples who come to therapy come in Stage III – and most often in its late stage – which makes it almost impossible to save the marriage. It would be better if couples could recognize the warning signs of a troubled marriage and get help earlier when recovery is more likely. Or better yet, why not take preventative measures to ensure the health of your marriage?

One of the first signs to check is your level of functioning when you entered the marriage. The more problematic your family’s history, the more stress you bring into the marriage. This is especially so if you have had a previous marriage. You simply cannot leave behind all the bad things with hopes of starting afresh with only the good things – you bring everything. So the degree to which you have dealt with your past determines how much baggage you bring into the marriage.

Often marital discord is organized around a particular issue which must be addressed and resolved. Though there can be an array of issues, the most prominent are the big four: money, sex, parenting, and in-laws. Discussions about expectations in these areas are important, rather than assuming your spouse has the same views. Since these issues often involve the distribution of power and control and influence, it is important that each partner is satisfied with his or her role. For example, one person may take charge of managing and dispersing the money, as long it is agreeable to the other.

As for your relationship with your spouse, two areas are critical for nurturing and maintaining the relationship: 1) communication and 2) relationship time and activity. Communication involves both the exchange of factual information as well as the ability to share your personal thoughts and feelings. Relationship time and activity are measures of your investment in the relationship. And the two most important currencies in the marital economy are time and sexual compatibility. Time can be spent in some shared activity, such as going to a movie, but it also needs to be spent in working on the relationship by “being there” for each other and interacting on a personal level. Also, maintaining a healthy sex life is vital to a marriage and its presence is often a reflection of the couple’s level of intimacy. Many couples routinely ignore the need to nurture their marriage and just automatically expect their spouses to make them happy.

Another sign of a healthy marriage is the emotional climate that surrounds the relationship. In a safe atmosphere, people are relaxed and open rather than tense and guarded. It is safe to be oneself, to be vulnerable, and to approach your partner for connection or support. The temperature can vary from frigid to superheated. At a normal temperature, people do not withdraw in cold silence or routinely retreat to their own spaces, and when they do engage, they do not easily react in anger to one another. In a turbulent atmosphere, there is a large amount of active conflict, marked by reactivity, high levels of criticism and defensiveness. In a stable environment, marriage is not conflict free but is marked by the ability to resolve conflict in a calm and respectful manner.

So take your pulse. See if the temperature of your marriage is normal. Make sure conflict is not escalating, causing your blood pressure to rise. And if you detect your relationship time and activity level declining, start exercising your way back to health.

It's Not Mere Child's Play

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2005.

As summer is ending and school is beginning again, I’m recalling how much I’ve enjoyed seeing the children in my neighborhood out playing this summer. It really warms my heart when I see children playing with reckless abandon. The reason for this is I’ve come to understand and appreciate the value of a child’s play.

I’ve discovered this by treating children in therapy. When I see children, I do what is called Play Therapy. Researchers have discovered that play therapy is to children what talk therapy is to adults. In fact, children are not really capable of expressing their deep thoughts and feelings in words, but they can work them out in play, using toys as words and play as their language. So for kids ages 4-12, I use this technique, which has been found to be quite successful in helping children resolve their problems.

The practice of Play Therapy requires specialized training and experience. But in many ways, it parallels the everyday play of a child. When a child begins Play Therapy, I offer them a variety of toys and tell them they can do most of what they want with them. I’ve never had a child ask what to do with the toys – children instinctively know what to do. Play comes so naturally to them.

In personally seeing the healing benefits of play to children, I’m often struck these days with the thought of how structured our children’s lives have become and how little time they have for play. Well meaning parents want their children to have every advantage to get ahead in life, so they enroll them in school as early as possible or in organized sports and classes. Some of these regimens are helpful in introducing a child early to the educational process, athletic training, or social skills. But I want parents to know that free play is not wasting time. Not only is play fun but it also promotes creativity and is critical to the healthy cognitive and emotional development of the child. In fact, many of our children are so used to having planned activities that they do not know how to think for themselves, hence the often heard “I’m bored.”

I also believe that play is important to adults as well. It ranks up there with love and work as being key to human happiness and well-being. Play can be any fun activity that can elevate our spirit and brighten our outlook on life. In play, we can relieve feelings of stress and boredom, connect to other people in a positive way, think creatively, regulate our emotions and get renewed energy to return to our daily tasks. A healthy balance, of course, is needed between work and play.

In conclusion, if we know that as adults, we need some fun, unstructured time, let’s remember that our children need that also. Perhaps knowing that “it’s not mere child’s play” will help parents not feel so pressured to enroll their child in every available activity. Then perhaps they themselves can have some extra time for play.

(Note: By play, I mean non-directed play using toys with pretending as well as drawing or painting or playing with play dough. This does not include watching TV, playing video games, or reading. However, research has shown that reading and playing or listening to music are better for children’s brains than the visual stimulation of TV or video games or computers. So I encourage music and reading but in addition to free play.)

Managing Your Anger

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2005.

For most people, anger is not a pleasant topic. When frustration starts to build, many of us revert to pre-adolescent behavior. It is amazing sometimes how quickly we can be overtaken by anger – sometimes in a matter of seconds. Anger is a huge problem for a lot of people. Many couples come to counseling with anger as a major issue. Also, it is the number one reason kids are brought to counseling.

Anger is often a misunderstood emotion, yet it is one of the most powerful and controlling of all the emotions. Some people think that anger is always wrong. However, it is a God given emotion, and if used in a healthy way, it can be beneficial. Often too we fall into stereotypes with anger: it is not a permissible emotion for women whereas it is the only permissible emotion for men. But emotions are neither male nor female.

Anger is energy. It puts our bodies into a state of readiness by pumping out adrenaline and nor-adrenaline, raising our heart rate and blood pressure, and tightening our muscles. Also, anger is the emotion most likely to induce the same emotion in another person.

One important thing to know about anger is that it is usually a secondary emotion. We often experience anger in response to another primary emotion, which is usually out of our awareness. Almost always anger is a protector for one of the following: 1) hurt in the past, 2) frustration about a blocked goal in the present, or 3) fear in the future. Anger protects by energizing: if you hurt me, then I get angry, then I can protect myself and you have to be careful around me. The key to managing anger then becomes learning to identify the primary emotions in order deal with them, rather than to react in anger.

Although we can’t always control the experience of anger, we can learn to control the expression of it. However, sometimes this takes a lot of work over time and may require the help of a trained professional. Never is it good for anyone to explode on another person with shouting, throwing things, or using angry words, such as put downs, name calling, blaming, sarcasm, swearing, and the like. Also, be aware that the expression of anger can take passive forms, such as pouting and withdrawing. A person can implode as well as explode, which is also harmful to self and not the loving thing to do.

Some people spend their anger energy and get some potential short term benefits. By getting it off their chest, they feel better, they get their way, and they’re in control temporarily. Yet they may lose in the long run, because some of the long term risks include health factors, especially coronary heart disease in men, as well as broken relationships and a lack of intimacy in relationships.

Some steps for managing your anger include, first of all, awareness of it. Next you must admit your anger and accept responsibility for it. Sure, someone else can cause your anger, but you are always responsible for how you choose to express it. Next, determine who or what is going to have control – the anger or yourself. A next step is to identify and get to its source, which sometimes involves taking time out and processing it. You can invest the energy of anger by exercising, praying, or taking time to listen inside. Merely venting it by throwing things only tends to escalate it. Then lastly, you can choose your response and can speak calmly to the other person in a controlled manner – speaking for the anger rather than from it.

Think of your anger as a control light on the dash of your car, letting it be a signal that something else is going on under the hood. And remember: unhealthy anger reacts whereas healthy anger responds. How well are you managing your anger?