Predictors of Marital Satisfaction

For many years it has been thought that the ability to resolve conflict is the best predictor of marital satisfaction, based on the work of John Gottman. Some people are so afraid of conflict that they avoid it at all costs. However, Gottman showed that if conflict is handled properly, it can actually increase intimacy. That is, having a “fair fight” is preferred to keeping the peace at all costs.

While conflict resolution is essential to marital satisfaction and the maturing of the relationship, more recent research has shown the best predictors to be the following: the wife’s ability to be soothing and have a “softened start-up” when approaching her husband and, correspondingly, the husband’s being able to tolerate and respond to his wife’s negative emotion (“The Revolution in Couple Therapy: A Practitioner-Scientist Perspective,” Susan M. Johnson, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, July 2003).

It seems the age-old biblical principles still apply. Don’t you love it when science affirms what the Bible has said all along? As described in the passages on marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33 and 1 Peter 3:1-7, some translations say, “Wives, see that you respect your husbands.” That is, do not nag, “jump on them,” or attempt to control them. And also Scripture says, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.” That is, listen to them; do not withdraw from them or simplistically try to fix their problems but instead affirm their negative emotions.

One reason these precepts may work is that there is an inherent need in men to be respected, often overriding their need at times to be loved. Many men struggle with inadequacy, which may explain this strong desire for respect. Women, on the other hand, while they too need respect, more often desire to be loved. This may be due to their inborn capacity to be the bearers of relationship in a marriage and family. So while both men and women need respect and love, the order is usually reversed in them.

It has been my experience as a marriage therapist that the crux of most marital issues comes down to these two key points – the need of a wife to respect and support her husband and the need of the husband to emotionally engage with his wife.

In conclusion, men and women in marriage do well to follow the biblical directives for mutual love and respect while paying specific attention to the more specific gender needs of their spouse. “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:33, ESV

More On Meditation

On my last blog I talked about meditating and the benefits of it - especially in regard to the slowing down of subjective time. Today I want to elaborate more on "meditation," as the word itself seems to conjure up images of Eastern religions, such as Buddhism. I used to fear that myself but have since discovered there is much rich history of Christian meditation as well as new brain research that show the benefits of meditation.

In general the definition of meditation involves deep contemplation, reflection or pondering of a subject. But I like Richard Foster's definition in his book Celebration of Discipline in which he says, "Christian meditation, very simply, is the ability to hear God's voice and obey his word. It is that simple." Prayer, while it can be contemplative, is different. I think of prayer as talking to God (e.g., praising, confessing, petitioning) whereas meditation involves listening. And another spiritual discipline, according to Foster, is studying. I used to be confused, in that I thought studying was listening to God. It is a form of listening but not the same. As Foster explains: "Meditation is devotional; study is analytical." Study involves a more rational part of our mind, while meditation accesses more of our spiritual core.

I often have to teach my clients about meditation in order to help them calm down their racing thoughts and what I call their "mind chatter." Meditation helps to do this. Just as exercise is helpful to the physical body, so is meditation helpful to the mind. And it's all connected, I believe - the mind, body and spirit. There is a big difference, however, in Easter meditation and Christian meditation. Again according to Foster: Eastern meditation empties the mind while Christian meditation fills the mind. In other words, Eastern meditation detaches us from our worries while Christian meditation attaches us to God. But both do work. I have the privilege of knowing many non-believers from therapy conferences I attend who are practicing Buddhists. They are wonderful people who have learned, through meditation, how to empty their minds from the burdens and pains of this life. As a believer, I am not threatened by this, because I believe that all truth is God's truth. Instead I am encouraged, because this shows the benefits of meditation. I am sad though for these friends and do pray for them to come to know the Lord.

It is great to set aside a few minutes of each day, perhaps in a quiet place, for formal meditation. I like to start with meditating on a specific scripture and after a while, slip into prayer. However, you can meditate throughout the day. You can use ordinary opportunities, such as driving in the car or walking outside, to become contemplative. As my former professor Dr. Bill Richardson used to say, "You have to slow down to go down." Take some deep breaths, paying attention to their infilling and deflation; notice the sights and sounds around you so you can take in the moment; observe nature. You'll be surprised how these moments can rest and refresh you. And should you meditate regularly, you'll be surprised how your life comes more into balance and how you can cope better with your life, rather than it leading you to "unhealty otherworldliness" - again according to Foster.

If you haven't picked up on it yet, I would like to encourage you to read Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline. This book was a big hit when it came out in 1978. Unfortunately, I missed it that first time around. However, it has stood the test of time and is still very popular in helping people with their spiritual growth. My sister and my niece are both reading it now. And I have taken up the book's challenge, along with my niece and her husband, to meditate on a different scripture every week. That means at the end of one year, I will have 52 scriptures that are special to me. I encourage you to read the book and I challenge you to begin to meditate weekly on a particular verse or passage.

More Time in '10

As I look back to 2009, my first thought was - it flew by! So I've resolved in 2010 to have my life slow down. I've been under the notion for quite a while that my life is flying by because I'm getting older and there is nothing I can do to stop it. But I've come across some ways the mind works that cause this phenomenon, which I'd like to share.

The way our minds work, according to Daniel Siegel in his book The Mindful Brain, is that we begin to make summations and create generalizations based on incoming data to our senses. He says our learning brains seek to find similarities and differences, thus drawing conclusions, and based on these we then act. This process keeps us from having to re-invent the wheel, so to speak, every time we approach something new in our lives. But this same process also can keep us from feeling alive. If most of our life is shuttled into a previously existing category of reality, it can get pretty routine as we mindlessly move through our day. Siegel calls these "top down" influences which can make minor differences disappear and nothing becomes the "odd-ball." We then lose the novelty of everyday living, and subjective time is contracted.

The antidote for this kind of top down processing is mindful reflection. We do literally need to stop and "smell the roses." We begin to wake up our minds when we begin to see more, hear more and smell more - in general, observe more and reflect upon it. What before was "just a flower" can become the one-of-a-kind flower that it actually is. By tuning in to the present moment, we can literally calm down the past's intrusion on our present experience and we can expand the subjective time in our lives! A different area of our brain is activated in mindful awareness that produces more of a "bottom-up" processing.

So when I feel harried or rushed though my day, I plan to stop and take stock, do some deep breathing, and assess what I'm sensing. Another way to develop this core functioning so it becomes more automatic is by meditating daily. You may just start out with 5 minutes per day and eventually work up to 30 minutes. As a Christian, I prefer to meditate on specific scriptures and to rehearse them over and over, interjecting myself into the passage's realities. However, other forms of meditation do work as well, such as focusing on your breathing, tuning in to your physical sensations, or focusing on nature.

You may say you don't have time for this kind of contemplative life. Your life may be too busy or stressed or fragmented. But the opposite is true - that is why it is so. By taking the time to reflect, your life will come more into balance. And time will subjectively slow down. I'm committing to that this new year. What about you?

Different Kinds of Smart

Last week I participated in my Garden Club's Flower Show. Now I am NOT good at flower arranging. In fact, I am in the Garden Club because I enjoy the people and I appreciate gardening and flower arranging and like to learn about these things. I was able to make it through the flower show without sweating it because my flower show partner was Amanda Cottingham, who I consider the "Martha Stewart" of the Delta. Amanda is a well-known wedding coordinator, caterer and flower arranger. So I just assisted her with our arrangement. But this experience reminded me of some earlier studies about the different kinds of intelligences. I remember how liberating it was to discover that people could be gifted in different ways and still all be considered intelligent.

According to Dr. Thomas Armstrong in his book Seven Kinds of Smart there are 7 major categories. They include:
1) Linguistic - This kind of intelligence has to do with verbal abilities and those who possess great amounts of this type of intelligence tend to be very good at writing and reading. Because conventional IQ tests place a great deal of emphasis on linguistic abilities, as well as the next category - math abilities, a person who is linguistictically inclined is considered to be very smart in our culture.
2) Mathematical - People who have this intelligence are good with numbers, patterns, and logical reasoning. These people often become our great scientists, mathematicians, and philosophers.

3) Spatial - Spatial intelligence gives a person the ability to think in vivid mental pictures. They have the natural ability to visualize how something could be as easily as what it is. My gifted garden club friends have this ability. I once asked Mollie Stock, who is our president, if she could visualize what an arrangement would look like before she made it, and she said yes.

4) Musical - People with musical intelligence have a natural rhythm and love for music. They often sing and play musical instruments. This type of intelligence can persist into old age and that is why people with good singing voices maintain them throughout life.

5) Bodily-Kinesthetic - This intelligence reflects a high degree of ability in bodily movement or physical activity. This includes those who can skillfully use their hands, such as surgeons and mechanics, actors and artists, as well as great athletes.

6) Interpersonal - These people have great people skills. They are able to understand, appreciate, and get along well with people. They have a good sense of discernment and can read people well.

7) Intrapersonal - This intelligence often expresses itself in solitude. It is a natural gift of understanding ourselves, knowing who and what we are, and how we fit into the greater scheme of the universe.

As you probably know, intelligence is usually measured in terms of IQ tests which measure how well a person is likely to perform in the current, traditional school system. But IQ tests do not come close to predicting a child's potential for success later in life. This, I hope, is comforting to parents who want their children to achieve academically but who recognize their children may have different gifts and talents. God had indeed gifted us in all kinds of ways and we need to recognize each other's unique contributions.

According to Gardner, we can all develop a reasonable use of all seven intelligences, but chances are a person tends to excel in one, two or three of these areas. Therefore, I recognize I am not gifted in the spatial intelligence of flower arranging, although I can appreciate it, but I see myself as more of a linguistic (#1) and intrapersonal (#7) kind of person. What about you? What kinds of smart are you?

Did I Marry the Wrong Person?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2009.

I often have clients who say, “I think I married the wrong person” – perhaps contending they were too young or too naive at the time. My answer usually is that they probably did not, the reason being that people usually marry to their same emotional levels. The only exceptions are cases where people perhaps meet and marry in a few days and really do not know each other. But if you knew your spouse for a reasonable length of time, then you did not marry the wrong person.

Now I will say that relationships can get difficult and a time may come when you can no longer stay in the relationship, perhaps due to physical or emotional abuse. But a key question to ask yourself before that point is, “How am I contributing to the demise of my relationship?” So often when you are in a troubled marriage, you just want the other person to change, assuming things would then be fine, when in fact you are the one who should consider changing. And the truth is: you are the only one you have control over changing anyway.

My friend and colleague Dr. Richard Schwartz says that our spouses can be termed our “tor-mentors.” That is, if we will allow them, our difficult spouses can become our “mentors” by tormenting us, thereby leading us deeper inside to the root of our relationship problems. To quote Schwartz, “Generally, what your partner provokes in you is what you need to heal.” It is very difficult to find these hurt places when you’re not in an intimate relationship. When these hurt parts are stepped on, you may lash out in anger or distance in withdrawal. Then the work cut out for you is to explore the origin of the hurts so you may get help and healing for them. Amazingly in many cases after doing so, your spouse then doesn’t seem so mean or you can stay calm in the midst of the fiery darts that he or she launchs without retaliating.

I’m not saying that exploring your deep hurts is easy. Due to normal protective defense mechanisms, these wounds are not readily available to your awareness. That is why professional help is sometimes required. But I will say that something that triggers you to have a strong reaction usually has a deep root. You’ve been hurt that same way before – often, many times before. As another colleague Mona Barbera says, “If it’s intense, it’s your own.”

The title of Schwartz’s book on marriage sums it up: You Are the One You Have Been Waiting For. There is no magical person out there who is going to make you feel good about yourself – only you can do that. This is why I strongly recommend to people who contemplate divorce to work on yourself, with or without your partner, in order to understand what your strong reactions are about. You can then learn how to change these unpleasant outbursts or icy withdrawals into places of healing. Without change, you are doomed to repeat these same mistakes in new relationships or are doomed to a life of loneliness. By instead becoming emotionally healthy, you will then no longer allow someone to disrespect or mistreat you.

A further stage of growth occurs when you can disclose these hurt parts of yourself to your partner. You do this by speaking for the hurt part rather than from the hurt part. You will then begin to create true intimacy in your marriage. When couples learn to bond this way, according to Schwartz, “they can become soulmates – not the kind of romantic fantasy but, instead, mates on the journey of the soul to discover how to give and receive love.” And actually, you can use any difficulties in life that produce extreme reactions – not just those in marriage – as a path to parts that need to heal.

Getting Started

As I begin my blog, I first will post several articles I have written over the past 7 years in our local trade magazine Life in the Delta. The name of my column was "Living in Our Marriages and Families." Then I will intersperse those with my current thoughts and ideas.

Please be patient as I enter the blog world and learn how to do this! I want to thank my children - Ellen, Elizabeth, and John George - for encouraging me to do this! And I want to thank my niece Sarah Barry for her great ideas and advice and for her blog which serves as a wonderful model for me!

Welcome

Welcome to my new blog site. As my title implies, I am a Marriage & Family Therapist.

My personal mission statement is as follows:

"It is my desire as a therapist to always be self-exploring and growing - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - and to pass on what I learn to those whom God puts in my path."

Please join me as I share my thoughts and insights gleaned from my self-exploration, studies, and input from friends and clients.