Did I Marry the Wrong Person?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2009.

I often have clients who say, “I think I married the wrong person” – perhaps contending they were too young or too naive at the time. My answer usually is that they probably did not, the reason being that people usually marry to their same emotional levels. The only exceptions are cases where people perhaps meet and marry in a few days and really do not know each other. But if you knew your spouse for a reasonable length of time, then you did not marry the wrong person.

Now I will say that relationships can get difficult and a time may come when you can no longer stay in the relationship, perhaps due to physical or emotional abuse. But a key question to ask yourself before that point is, “How am I contributing to the demise of my relationship?” So often when you are in a troubled marriage, you just want the other person to change, assuming things would then be fine, when in fact you are the one who should consider changing. And the truth is: you are the only one you have control over changing anyway.

My friend and colleague Dr. Richard Schwartz says that our spouses can be termed our “tor-mentors.” That is, if we will allow them, our difficult spouses can become our “mentors” by tormenting us, thereby leading us deeper inside to the root of our relationship problems. To quote Schwartz, “Generally, what your partner provokes in you is what you need to heal.” It is very difficult to find these hurt places when you’re not in an intimate relationship. When these hurt parts are stepped on, you may lash out in anger or distance in withdrawal. Then the work cut out for you is to explore the origin of the hurts so you may get help and healing for them. Amazingly in many cases after doing so, your spouse then doesn’t seem so mean or you can stay calm in the midst of the fiery darts that he or she launchs without retaliating.

I’m not saying that exploring your deep hurts is easy. Due to normal protective defense mechanisms, these wounds are not readily available to your awareness. That is why professional help is sometimes required. But I will say that something that triggers you to have a strong reaction usually has a deep root. You’ve been hurt that same way before – often, many times before. As another colleague Mona Barbera says, “If it’s intense, it’s your own.”

The title of Schwartz’s book on marriage sums it up: You Are the One You Have Been Waiting For. There is no magical person out there who is going to make you feel good about yourself – only you can do that. This is why I strongly recommend to people who contemplate divorce to work on yourself, with or without your partner, in order to understand what your strong reactions are about. You can then learn how to change these unpleasant outbursts or icy withdrawals into places of healing. Without change, you are doomed to repeat these same mistakes in new relationships or are doomed to a life of loneliness. By instead becoming emotionally healthy, you will then no longer allow someone to disrespect or mistreat you.

A further stage of growth occurs when you can disclose these hurt parts of yourself to your partner. You do this by speaking for the hurt part rather than from the hurt part. You will then begin to create true intimacy in your marriage. When couples learn to bond this way, according to Schwartz, “they can become soulmates – not the kind of romantic fantasy but, instead, mates on the journey of the soul to discover how to give and receive love.” And actually, you can use any difficulties in life that produce extreme reactions – not just those in marriage – as a path to parts that need to heal.

How Well Do You Listen?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2009.

I wrote about the importance of good communication skills as a key to satisfactory relationships in a previous article (see July 2009). What many people do not realize is that the flip side of talking effectively is listening effectively. Listening is not just passive, but it too is a skill that needs to be developed in order for caring communication to occur.

Most of us have habits that keep us from paying full attention to the person talking, especially when there is a stressful or complicated issue. Often we pay only partial attention because we are rehearsing what we are going to say next. At other times, as we listen, we mainly are evaluating what the other person is saying and we are forming judgments about whether it is right or wrong or whether we agree or disagree. We may then become more reactive than attentive and more prone to interrupt and perhaps defend our position. When we listen in these ways, we keep our focus more on our own experience than on the other person’s.

However, to be understood by another person is a key route to intimacy and connection in a close relationship, such as that of a spouse, a child, or a good friend. What good listening does is to put your own concerns on hold temporarily and to allow the talker to tell his or her full story spontaneously, without your interference. Your goal is understanding – without necessarily agreeing or disagreeing, blaming or defending, or jumping into action by offering a solution. In other words, the key to listening is following!

Some skills to accomplish this active listening include attending to the other person. When you attend, you give him or her your full attention by listening with your body and mind. If possible, stop other activity that could be distracting. Turn your body toward the other person and give him or her eye contact whenever possible. In other words, give the person talking the floor. This values him or her by signaling your availability and interest.

Another listening skill is acknowledging someone else’s message. By this you let the person know either verbally or nonverbally that you are with him or her. You validate his or her experience, even though you may not fully agree with it. An acknowledgement can range from a simple nod of your head or an “uh-huh” to making a brief interpretative statement, such as “I can see you’re upset by this.” When your acknowledgement taps the talker’s experience accurately, the impact can be powerful. And the person talking can experience your acceptance and affirmation, or in other words, your empathy or ability to put yourself in his or her shoes.

If time allows, inviting more information is a powerful listening tool. How often in today’s hurried world are you asked, “Tell me more,” or “Is there anything else you want me to know?” Most people unconsciously test listeners with brief pauses to see if it is okay to continue talking. They do not tell what they are deeply thinking, feeling, or wanting unless they are sure the listener really wants to know. But many listeners take the pause as a cue to jump in and start directing the conversation by giving advice or asking questions. If you do not do this but instead invite the talker to tell you more, he or she will lead you to more useful information. Continue inviting until the talker has nothing more to add. At this point you will realize you have heard his or her full story.

Lastly, the skill of summarizing helps ensure the accuracy of your understanding of the other person. Rather than say, “I understand what you are saying,” which can sound a bit arrogant (and may be untrue), instead summarize back to him or her what you thought you heard. Many misunderstandings do not occur due to lack of good will but instead to what happens to the message internally, such as an embellishment or misinterpretation of what was meant. By paraphrasing back what you thought you heard, you ask for confirmation. If your the talker agrees, you are assured you share the meaning. A shared meaning occurs when the message sent by one person is the same as the message received by the other.

In summary, listening is an active skill which is a vital component of good communication and which can promote understanding in close relationships. It can also reduce interpersonal tension and build trust in relationships. And actively listening earns you the right to also be heard and understood. (Note: Reference for the articles on communication skills – Talking and Listening Together by Sherod Miller, et al.)

How Well Do You Communicate?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2009.

Most people realize that the key to good relationships is communication. But how many have actually been taught good communication skills? It has been shown that a person can have a good caring attitude yet their communication can still be unclear or misunderstood. This is where skill enters in.

Basic to all communication skills is speaking for self. When you speak for yourself, you combine a personal pronoun – “I,” “me,” “my,” or “mine” – with other parts of your message. To speak for self is to take responsibility for what you say. As a result, your messages are clearer and easier for others to hear and less apt to be discounted. As a person, you have a right to your beliefs and opinions and should be considered an authority on your own experience. Examples are, “Here’s my idea” or “I feel frustrated when you do that.”

An opposing way of speaking for self is to speak for others. When you speak for others, you usually make “you statements.” When you do so, you stimulate defensiveness in others and resistance to what you say simply by the way you say it. Others may interpret your words as trying to control what they think, feel, or want. Few people like someone else running their lives, even if what is said is true. Examples are, “That’s not what you really mean,” or “You made me angry.” A way to further raise defensiveness is to combine words like “should” or “ought” with “you statements.” For example, “You should do this” or “You ought to change that.” There are, however, acceptable times for using “you statements,” as in the case of the teacher to student, the parent to child, or the employer to employee – all for purposes of instruction. But I would caution you to use “you statements” sparingly if you want your message to be received.

Another important communication skill is to ask open questions. Open questions often begin with a “W” word: Who, What, Where, and When; or the word How. Open questions are more effective questions because they give others more choice about how to answer. In contrast, closed, narrow or leading questions limit or attempt to direct others’ responses. For example, “Are you mad or sad?” (This requires an either-or response.) Better would be, “How do you feel?” Another example is, “Isn’t this the best meal you’ve ever had?” (This requires a yes or no response.) Better would be, “What did you think about the meal?”

A specific type of question to avoid is the “Why” question. Do you recall the last time someone asked you, “Why did you do that?” Do you recall feeling tense or on the spot? This is a typical reaction to “Why” questions. Also, “Why” questions usually disguise statements. The tone of voice accompanying them is often negative. They have the tendency to challenge or blame or to get you to justify or defend yours actions or positions. Furthermore, you can seldom give a satisfactory answer to a “why” question, because the intent of most “why” questions is not to gain information but to persuade. For example, “Why are you wearing that?” may have the disguised message of “I don’t want you to wear that.” The only acceptable time for a “Why” question is when you have a genuine curiosity about a subject and you completely withhold judgment about the person’s response.

Asking open questions can be a powerful way to connect to someone. However, some people mistakenly believe that good communication involves asking a lot of questions. Too many questions can actually interfere with effective communication because they can start to direct the story of the person talking. And they can interfere with the natural flow of a talker’s story. When you raise a question, the talker has to stop and think about what you just asked. As a result, the talker may be led away or distracted from what he or she wants to say. If given the chance, most people can tell their story best without prompting questions.

Realize that each time you say something, your message contains two parts: what you say – the content, and how you say it – the style. It doesn’t matter how accurate your content is if your non-verbal communication, such as the tone of your voice or your body language, says something different. Remember to be aware both of what you say and how you say it. And if your intent is to connect with others rather than to control them, your communication will be more effective.

The Here and Now

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2009.

Do you ever think about where you focus your attention? Often, many people are either planning the future or reminiscing about the past. Or they are busy doing things, often multitasking, and are not tuning in to their thoughts. To quote Susan Stone, who teaches Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction at the University of Virginia, “Rarely is our mind in the same place as our body. So, tragically, we miss a lot of our own lives.” She believes that the quality of life depends on where you focus. You might not need to get a new job or move to a different city to live a more fulfilling life. Instead you could pay closer attention to the “here and now.”

There are some other expressions that also describe this same concept, including “present living” or “mindfulness.” The idea is that the more you can live in the present moment, the less likely you will be to experience the suffering which occurs from worrying about the future or being stuck in the past. Also, the more you can be present to what is actually happening in the moment or can be in touch with what is really real, the better you will be able to enjoy a richer and more fulfilling life. Research now shows that this type of focused attention on the here and now reduces the symptoms of illnesses such as heart disease, chronic pain and addiction. Also, those who live in the present tend to be happier and less stressed. They are better able to relax and have a greater appreciation for themselves and others. Also, they often feel a stronger connection with their own faith.

Just how do you do this, i.e., learn to be present to the here and now? A way to begin is to become aware of your senses – what you see, hear, touch, taste or smell. For example, if you are taking a walk on a nice day, begin to notice what you see in the beauty of your surroundings, such as the clear blue sky or the white fluffy clouds; pay attention to the sounds you hear, such as the birds or the lawn mower; notice what you feel, such as the wind on your face or the heat of the sun; or take in the smells, such as the flowers or the cut grass. Another level of awareness is your thought life. Many people do not know they can acknowledge their thoughts but then can let them “pass by” rather than dwell on them – or that they can challenge their thoughts. A deeper level of awareness includes being tuned in to your emotions, rather than being hooked in to them. And a further level of awareness is being receptive to your own desires – asking yourself what you really want to do as opposed to what you should do or what others expect you to do. All of these aspects of awareness are an ability to step back and self-reflect. You are asking yourself: what am I sensing, what am I thinking, what am I feeling, what am I wanting. Often the simple ability to do this helps you think and act with more clarity. But while this sounds simple to do, it can actually be very challenging.

Sometimes by focusing on your breathing you can become more present. The reason is that paying attention to your experience of inhaling and exhaling brings you to the present, as you can only breathe in the present. When your mind begins to wander, you can simply return your attention to breathing. This technique is often used in meditation practices, which used to only be associated with Eastern religion or New Age practices. However, mindfulness is not a particular religious belief but a practical truth born out in scores of research findings in the last 15 years from the fields of psychology, medicine, education and neuroscience. In his book, The Mindful Brain, psychiatrist and brain researcher Daniel Siegel describes how mindfulness can enhance relationships even at the level of brain structure. Somehow in cultivating a more attuned and loving relationship to yourself, you nurture your capacity for more loving relationships with others.

As daily life becomes more media saturated, the skill to make choices about where you place your attention becomes increasingly valuable. When you let your mind be hijacked, you usually cannot see things clearly. The inability to slow down and live in the present may be an indication of underlying fears or issues that need to be resolved. Just remember – the here and now is really all you have. Why not embrace it and find the satisfaction that comes from living in it!

Double Jeopardy - Anxiety and Depression

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2009.

Anxiety and depression are two different but often related disorders that plague many in our society. The World Health Organization now ranks depression as the 4^th most significant cause of suffering and disability worldwide, behind heart disease, cancer and traffic accidents. Sadly, it is predicted that by the year 2020, depression will be the 2^nd most debilitating condition. Most people who are depressed are also suffering from anxiety disorder. In fact, anxiety often precedes depression. As life keeps getting faster and faster and more complicated, people simply do not have the resources for coping.

Let’s spend a few moments defining anxiety and depression, in the most general of terms.

Anxiety can be likened to a state of fear without specific knowledge of why one is fearful. Almost anyone can be made anxious but an anxious person is that way no matter what – almost as if s/he is looking for a crisis. An anxious person’s mood is that of tension, panic, and apprehension. There is a sense of impending doom. Sometimes a person with anxiety experiences physical symptoms, such as heart palpitations, sweating, dry mouth, an increase in blood pressure, throbbing sensations in the head, shallow breathing, muscular tension, or chest pain. Anxious people may feel pain in their head, stomach or back. Some of their motor symptoms may include fidgetiness, an exaggerated startle response, restlessness, an inability to sit down, or pointless movement. Ultimately at the core of anxiety is an issue of control – as if any of us has control over anything in this life.

You might say that anxiety is about the future – about the “what if’s?” of life. Depression, on the other hand, is more about the past. At the core of most depression is usually disappointment. It may begin with a blocked goal of not getting what you want, which may lead to anger, which may lead to trying harder. But once you realize your blocked goal is no longer attainable, this may lead to depression. You might say it is anger turned inward. Two of the major symptoms of depression are feeling sad or down nearly everyday and losing interest or pleasure in most activities. Other symptoms include loss of appetite or marked increase of appetite – especially craving sweets or other carbohydrates, a decrease in energy, tiredness, feelings of worthlessness, an impaired ability to concentrate, and sometimes thoughts of suicide. Problems with sleep are the most common symptom of both depression and anxiety. However, some depressed people can oversleep.

Anxiety and depression may be the result of a variety of biological or psychological reasons. But they also have a social component as well. People who are suffering from them often have less social support and more marital problems and conflicts. Also, there is a greater risk of passing these disorders on to their children. They, in fact, intensify from one generation to the next.

Most people who have anxiety or depression do not seek help. However, there is much that can be done to help. Telling a depressed person just to “snap out of it” will not work. Exercise, though, is a wonderful tool and is almost as effective as medication. There are wonderful medicines for anxiety and depression but a word of caution: medication will not get to the root of the problem. Research shows that medication in combination with psychotherapy is the most effective way of healing anxiety and/or depression. I also think that faith and prayer are wonderful antidotes for anxiety and depression as they bring answers to many of life’s difficulties and uncertainties. In conclusion, please be aware of the danger of having anxiety and/or depression or the double jeopardy of having both – not only to yourself but to your family as well.

Sleepless in America

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2009.

An important question I ask all my clients is this: “How are you sleeping?” The answer to this question provides important information about a person’s mental health as well as their physical health. Unfortunately, sleep disorders are fast becoming one of the most prevalent health concerns in our nation. A recent National Sleep Foundation poll found that 76 percent of adults reported at least one symptom of a sleep disorder at least a few nights every week or more.

Most of these people suffer insomnia, which is defined as difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or obtaining healthy, restorative sleep. Insomnia is more common in women and increases with age, medical problems, and psychiatric disorders. It’s also very common among adolescents. Compelling evidence suggests that chronic sleep loss is a critical factor in a broad range of health concerns, including an increased risk for viral infections, cardiovascular disease, obesity, diabetes, and cancer. It can sometimes cause depression or be a symptom of depression.

Why are we having such problems sleeping? One reason is we may be too wired at night to naturally unwind. Since the invention of the light bulb, people do not downshift with the onset of night but instead do chores, watch TV, surf the Internet as well as a whole host of activities. In fact, almost anything that used to be done only in the day can now be done at night, including shopping or working. There’s no natural circadian rhythm of activity followed by rest, as our forebears experienced. In fact, light stimulates the release of serotonin, which energizes us, whereas darkness stimulates the release of melatonin, which helps us sleep. But people have trouble turning off their lights and unwinding enough at night for natural sleep to occur.

Another major reason for sleep disturbance could be the presence of anxiety and/or depression. A good way to assess for these is to distinguish when the person is experiencing insomnia. Generally, a sleep onset delay is associated with anxiety. This occurs when a person cannot fall asleep for 2-3 hours. When a person wakes up 2-3 hours early and can’t go back to sleep, this is more typical of depression. Sometimes there is a middle insomnia, where a person sleeps 2-3 hours and wakes up and tosses and turns the rest of the night. Often this is associated with the use of alcohol, which initially helps a person fall asleep but may wake him or her up later.

There are many artificial means of fighting insomnia, including prescription and over-the-counter sleep medications, but these have limited effectiveness and should only be a temporary solution. They often don’t provide a natural healthy sleep. In fact, benedryl, which is the chief component in the “PM” drugs, suppresses dreaming and light dreaming is a good sign of restorative sleep. Plus those medicines that also contain acetaminophen can lead to liver damage.

So what should we do to solve our problems with sleeplessness? First determine if you have anxiety or depression or medical problems that are sleep related and get help for those. And in general – VALUE REST! Begin to slow down and relax and learn to transition to healthy sleep. This involves turning off the lights, including TV and computer monitors, as darkness itself is a good sleep medicine. If you wish to read or write, consider using a low-wattage book light. Sometimes nighttime is the one time when you have to face yourself, and many people are uncomfortable with this. They prefer to crash to sleep, which is a sign of sleep debt, or be knocked out – only to face themselves in the middle of the night. A much better way is to drift to sleep and naturally let go of our waking consciousness.

The Detriments of Eating Disorders

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2008.

Body dissatisfaction plagues most women as well as a rising number of men. While it is normal to care about appearance, there is a point at which normal caring can turn obsessive and interfere with daily life and, more importantly, relationships.

Before discussing the negatives of eating disorders, let’s first lay a foundation by defining what they are. There are two major eating disorders – bulimia nervosa and anorexia nervosa. They share a common component – compensatory methods to prevent weight gain. However, the main difference that divides the two is that bulimics use extraordinary means to maintain their proper weight while anorexics use extraordinary means to maintain a below normal body weight. Also, bulimia is characterized by binge eating, which is then followed by inappropriate means to keep from gaining weight, with self-induced vomiting being the most common method. Other means include the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas, or other medications; fasting; or excessive exercise. Anorexics primarily lose weight by the reduction in their total food intake or a diet restricted to only a few foods. They may also lose weight in ways similar to bulimics, such as purging and excessive exercise. (Note: exercise may be considered excessive when it significantly interferes with important activities or occurs at inappropriate times or settings or when the individual continues to exercise despite injury or other medical complications.)

Anorexics and bulimics are both intensely afraid of weight gain but for anorexics this fear is not eliminated by weight loss. In fact, concern about weight gain often increases even as their actual weight decreases. They have a distorted body image and think they are overweight when indeed they are underweight. Anorexics can lose weight in similar ways as bulimics but are “more successful” as they are prone to perfectionism and love the sense of self-control they have over food. Bulimics often binge in secret. While binging, a person may feel a sense of euphoria but later feels ashamed and depressed and out of control. They then take control with compensatory methods to prevent weight gain. While eating disorders may arise due to living in a culture where there are pressures to be thin, they more often also have a past history of abuse at their source.

To understand disordered eating, it is helpful to understand what natural order has been disrupted. When one thinks of food and its purpose, food is basically fuel for our bodies. However, food is also a source of pleasure and is often used for celebration purposes. When someone has an eating disorder, food changes from its normal function: it changes from a gift to a weapon and rarely is it something celebratory. For people with eating disorders, food becomes their focus. They think about food all the time, but they control it.

So why are eating disorders harmful if they achieve successful weight loss? For one, bulimia can cause ever-increasing harm to one’s health over time, including erosion of dental enamel due to recurrent vomiting, calluses on the surface of the hand due to stimulating the gag reflex, menstrual irregularities and amenorrhea, electrolyte imbalances, and a tendency to be depressed, just to name a few. And anorexia can be even more harmful, with many of the same symptoms as well as the symptoms of starvation, such as emaciation, cold intolerance, renal and cardiovascular problems, osteoporosis, and potential death.

In addition to health concerns, when food becomes one’s main focus, then other life goals and purposes slip in importance. Eating disorders also interfere with marriage and family relationships because it is almost impossible to have a close intimate relationship with a person who has an eating disorder because their attention is on controlling the food. Eating disorders are serious detriments to one’s health and to healthy relationships, and people who have them need to seek help – usually medical help as well as professional counseling.

A Fair and Balance Childhood

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2008.

To borrow an expression from a popular television network, I’d like to discuss what I would call a “fair and balanced” approach to parenting children. Children come into this world completely reliant on their parents for food, clothing, shelter, teaching, love – virtually everything. They are truly dependent in every sense of the word. Yet it is not long before a toddler can walk and talk and begin to interact with us. And by 5 or 6 years old, children can even seem quite “adult like.” A serious error can be made if we as adults assume they are and we begin to rely on them and treat them as small adults.

There is a therapy term I often use to describe the child who is treated like an adult – the “parentified” child. This is the child who often becomes the junior parent – who takes care of smaller children, who prepares meals, who worries about money, who stays alone for long periods of time. Of even more serious consequence, this parentified child often becomes the companion or confidante to one or both parents. While a child is able to do this – and I have seen children as young as 3 years old become the caretakers of their parents’ feelings – it is simply not fair to a child. Childhood is the time for being “child like” – to slowly grow, to learn by playing, and to work alongside parents with age appropriate responsibilities. Parents should give to their children and not manipulate children to meet their needs.

Another notion that is prevalent in today’s thinking is that lots of praise will help children grow in their self-esteem. While it is all right to praise when praise is due, it can become out of balance. When every kindergarten drawing is treated like a Picasso or every T-ball game is treated like the major leagues, the child gets the message that he or she is expected to fulfill their parents’ expectations of them. They even sense inside that something is wrong – they know what they’re doing is not that special. Praise can be a subtle form of manipulation that causes children to become people pleasers. I have heard many grown clients share how their parents did not help them by giving them so much focused attention and by telling them they were wonderful all the time. They would have preferred that their parents had helped them develop their true talents and abilities and had been more honest about their shortcomings. This would have better prepared them for the real world where their peers and bosses are not as enamored with them as their parents. In fact, some studies have shown that praise and criticism are the flip side of the same coin and that too much of either one is damaging. Hence, a more balanced view is in order.

I recently had the opportunity to observe my two-year-old granddaughter over our summer vacation. My daughter remarked how happy her daughter seemed and I said I thought it was because she was part of a large group of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. It naturally gave her a sense of security – of having a settled feeling that there was something bigger than her going on that did not depend on her. To quote John Eldredge, “ You’ve heard that children care more that their parents love each other than that they love them and this is the reason why. It’s the assurance that there is something grand and good going on that doesn’t rest on your shoulders, something that doesn’t even culminate in you, but rather invites you up into it.”

We have come a long way from the generations that viewed that “children should be seen and not heard” to the current generation of kid worship, albeit with the added burden of kids bearing responsibility for their parents’ happiness. But a more fair and balanced view, I think, should exist: children should be a part – not the point.

How to Fight Fair

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2008.

The well-known saying that everything is fair in love and war may be widely accepted, but I beg to disagree. And contrary to what many married couples think – that avoiding conflict is the most peaceful thing to do to promote harmony – just the opposite is true: conflict actually promotes intimacy! It is all right to have a fight, but not just any approach will do, and some approaches may cause lasting harm to a relationship. Knowing how to fight fair is critical to your survival as a happy couple.

So what do most couples fight about? When it comes to the big list, research shows that money is the number one issue regardless of income. Couples are constantly faced with financial decisions and many have conflicting spending and saving styles, usually based on how their families of origin handled money. Other big topic issues include sex, in-laws, children, and chores. But not all conflicts revolve around big issues – many erupt over relatively minor issues. Often couples simply bicker about things that do not seem to matter. These are signs that you are not getting to the real issues.

Successful couples have learned to resolve conflict without leaving battle scars. First of all, they don’t run from strife. The rule of thumb is: when one spouse brings up an issue, the other has to respond. However, one of the most destructive things in a marriage can be the growing sense that you are walking through a mine field and your spouse might explode with an issue at any minute and without warning. Instead of having arguments whenever issues come up, you should agree to deal with them when you are both able to do it well. Trying to force an issue when the other person is tired or not prepared only generates more tension. However, it then becomes incumbent on the partner who is not ready to set another time, preferably within a day or two, that is agreeable to both. Sometimes the length of time you will discuss the issue needs to be set, such a one hour, only to pick up the discussion at a more convenient time, rather than talking on and on. Having a rule that either partner can call a time out if the discussion gets angrily out of hand can also be helpful.

Another thing successful couples do is to define the issue clearly. When you feel the tension rising inside, ask yourself what is really bugging you. Often it is not the event but a hidden issue beneath the event. For example, if a wife complains about her husband coming home late from work, the real issue might be that she does not feel cared for. Also, stay on issue! Do not move from one issue to another, saying perhaps “And another thing: Why do you always . . . ?” Escalation occurs when partners negatively respond back and forth to each other, continually upping the ante so that conditions get worse and worse. And once negative abusive comments are made, they are hard to take back and usually threaten the lifeblood of the marriage.

Once you have contracted to discuss a defined issue, be sure to discuss it fully. And be sure to state your feelings directly. The “X, Y, Z” formula is one way to do this where you fill in the blanks: “In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z. For example, “When you work late and you do not let me know, I feel unloved and lonely.” Instead of being defensive, the partner should be willing to listen. Softening your tone and validating your spouse’s point of view are powerful tools to end escalation. Sometimes the very process of understanding the issue itself becomes the solution. At other times, it is necessary to brainstorm for solutions and to compromise with the solutions that best take into consideration both partners.

In conclusion, fighting is not bad in marriage – and can even be beneficial, but how you fight is the primary indicator of the future happiness of a marriage. Fighting fair opens the door to a more vital and intimate marriage.

Growing in Intimacy

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2008.

A vital part of a strong marriage is the component of intimacy. So many young couples never learn this skill and inevitably grow apart. This results is a couple, years down the road, living parallel lives – that is, they share the same children, house, meals, checkbook, even bedroom, but they live their own separate lives, with separate friends and interests, and never really “know” each other. These couples then wake up one day to the realization that something is missing and often look for alternate sources of intimacy, either in another romantic relationship or an addiction.

Intimacy is the “best friends” aspect of marriage. Sometimes couples confuse physical intimacy with the type of emotional intimacy to which I am referring. Ideally, married couples should be best friends as well as lovers – sharing dreams, interests, fears and hopes. But often many women seek out friends or relatives before confiding in their husbands. Similarly, men are more likely to talk to their close friends about their future dreams and ambitions than they are their wives. Does this mean we shouldn’t have close friends – of course not. But it does mean we should place priority on cultivating intimacy with our spouses.

One way to do this is to spend time together. Studies indicate that marital happiness is highly correlated with the amount of time spent together – one on one time. Spending time with the children as a family is important too but should not take the place of couple time. I encourage couples with young children, who have limited time, to postpone some hobbies and social interests until their children get older. For example, many a marriage have been harmed by a husband who leaves his wife with small children while he goes hunting. He can instead earn valuable deposits in his wife’s love account if he stays home and helps at this crucial stage. Then later he can hunt at will, as many older women do not mind, and may even welcome, their husbands leaving for a hunting trip. Do you know why? It’s because the young wife is looking for reassurance that her husband chooses her first – above anyone or anything. Once this question is settled in her mind – settled by many experiences of being chosen first – then she is less likely to mind the short separations that work, hobbies or other interests bring.

Another thing that promotes intimacy is heart-to-heart talks. These do not happen on the go. Intimacy is cultivated when we carefully listen to our partner – not just to their story but also to their feelings. So be sure to cultivate intimacy by sharing your heart with your partner – your beliefs, opinions, emotions, experiences and deep desires. Also, each person should be able to voice a complaint to the other and not fear being ignored, discounted or angrily attacked. Often one or both partners fear conflict and avoid it at all costs. The sad irony is that avoiding conflict seems like the peaceful thing to do to promote harmony in the relationship, but just the opposite is true – conflict promotes intimacy! The reasons are that being open and honest with one another clears the air as well as brings a deeper knowledge of the other person, while holding things inside keep us more frustrated and isolated. Of course, the fighting must be fair. (I’ll address that in a future article.) The inability to talk in these heart-to-heart ways is an early red flag signaling later marital difficulties.

Partners who do not cultivate intimacy are doomed to live in an “empty-shell” marriage. They may coordinate the practical details of their daily lives but they live in an emotional vacuum, never really enjoying the full beauty of married love. And another unfortunate side effect is that it may eventually affect the physical aspect of the marriage – all the more reason to grow in intimacy.

How Well Are You Connected?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2008.

The title may sound like a wireless internet ad, but I want to apply the idea to relationships. Last year in my articles I spent a lot of time discussing “attachment theory” as it applies to parenting. An attachment bond was explained to be an emotional connection between a child and a parent which provides comfort and security and from which a child then is able to develop a healthy sense of self in the world. However, this inborn need for attachment continues to follow us into our adult lives, usually transitioning from the parent-child relationship to the marital relationship. Emotional dependency is an innate part of being human rather than a childhood trait we outgrow as we mature.

Adults generally need an irreplaceable other who continues to provide comfort, care and support. This explains why a grown person who is otherwise successful, competent and independent in their working world can become upset, clinging and despairing when they fail to evoke responsiveness from their attachment figure.

Attachment relationships do not have to be marital but can also be close relationships with other family members or friends. However, all marital relationships should be attachment relationships. Certain criteria distinguish an attachment relationship from a casual friendship, which include the following: the proximity or closeness to this caregiver is sought, especially in times of trouble; this person provides a felt sense of security; any threat or separation from this person induces fear and anxiety; and the loss of this person induces grief and sorrow.

Attachment injuries can become the downfall of many a marriage. An attachment injury is a specific type of betrayal experienced in couple relationships, characterized as an abandonment or a violation of trust. It is not a general trust issue but instead concerns a specific incident in which one partner is inaccessible and unresponsive in the face of the other partner’s urgent need for the kind of support and caring expected of attachment figures. Some injuries may appear trivial to an outsider, or they may be more obvious betrayals of trust, such as infidelity. Some may occur at times of physical illness (for example, after a cancer diagnosis) or during times of loss (such as a miscarriage or the death of a child). When a person is most vulnerable and cries out for help or understanding and there is no response, the basic assumption of the whole relationship – “that my partner will be there for me” – is undermined. The couple are then caught in a drama in which the injured spouse sets tests and the offending spouse is usually found wanting. It appears that these kinds of wounds cannot be left behind, according to therapist Susan Johnson, originator of emotionally focused couples therapy. If such events cannot be resolved, trust remains tentative and relationship distress increases.

There are several attachment styles we can have, depending on the one we brought from childhood. Some people may have an anxious style and be too clingy, always desperately trying to get the attention of an attachment figure. This may explain why some people are not willing to leave an abusive relationship, for fear they will have no relationship at all. Another style is the avoidant style – people who put up walls and become detached from close relationships. They may look to possessions, work, or success to satisfy but almost always fall prey to addictions to fill their deep felt attachment needs. Then there is the preferred style – the secure style, in which people strike a healthy balance between being needy and not needing anyone. Secure people can easily transition to God as the ultimate attachment figure – the one to whom they primarily turn as the source of their comfort and security. But they still need people and should desire to seek out close connections with others. The vertical attachment demands that we have horizontal or earthly attachments to other people. Our bond with God can then strengthen and enhance our attachments to spouses, family members, and other trusted attachment figures. To quote Gary Smalley, “Life is relationships; the rest is just details. God made you for relationship.”

So it’s not optional whether we have attachment figures. The real choice is whether we will work to make those relationships great or allow them to cause ourselves and others pain. How well connected are you?

Loving Your Adolescent

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2008.

If all goes well and you the parent have met your child’s emotional needs at each level of development, the period of adolescence should be largely trouble free. I know this goes contrary to popular opinion which views adolescence as a time for teenagers to break away from their parents and become independent. But children who have acquired a stable inner happiness that comes from a secure attachment bond with their parents will not experience an adolescence that is troubled, turbulent, and characterized by protracted conflict with their parents.

Instead the time period for ages 12-18 is still a prolonged developmental state. Teens are not ready to stand alone. In fact, a national longitudinal study completed in 1997 reported that connectedness with their parents tops the list of protective factors for the well being of teens. Those teens who stayed in regular touch with their parents and felt valued by them were less likely to smoke, drink alcohol, experiment with drugs or engage in early sex.

What should be true, though, is that teens should be making almost all of their daily decisions. This is the kind of independence that they do need. Parents who are still micro managing their teen’s everyday decisions should rethink this. You do not want your teenager to arrive at these challenging and life-threatening years with no clue how to make a decision. A good rule of thumb is to try not to impose too many rules, except for important health and safety issues and things important to the family, such as being home by a certain time, not drinking or getting in a car with someone who is drinking, not using drugs, or going to church with the family. As with small children, giving a wide latitude of choices in many areas helps teens accept a few non-negotiables.

A lot of problems teenagers have arise from the re-surfacing of the “all powerful self” – a flashback from toddlerhood. This makes adolescence a vulnerable time. Teens may take unnecessary risks, thinking they are invincible. They may overestimate their knowledge (i.e., they “know everything”), which is disconcerting and may lead to arguments with parents who want to set them straight. But it is better to respond with relaxed affection as you did with the toddler who bragged he was bigger or stronger than you. During this stage teens can be unfocused and forgetful. Try to help them succeed rather than be rigid about their shortcomings. Remember that they will ultimately model your behavior if your relationship with them is a strong secure one.

Signs of inner unhappiness at this age are many and varied but are largely self-destructive. Some examples include dangerous risk taking, substance abuse, eating disorders, failure at school, aggression, cutting, depression, mood changes, repeatedly choosing undesirable friends, or isolation from or hostility toward parents. Many people advocate “tough love” for teens who are exhibiting these behaviors. Occasionally this may work but statistically it does not. It usually only further alienates the teen from his or her parents. A better way to go for parents who have lost control is to let go of some of the rules and to work on strengthening the relationship. It really is never too late.

For those parents who have worked hard and have given their children the right kind of balanced love and discipline, they should find their teenagers developing into young adults who are responsible and who make good choices. They are also flexible and adaptable and largely unaffected by the up’s and down’s of life. Even if they experience failures or disappointments, these will be temporary as they still have your approval and love, which should be satisfying. After two decades of parenting, ideally there will be times when teens can take care of themselves and you can look forward to the satisfaction of having a warm, loyal, enjoyable and appealing friend.

Ages Six to Twelve: Loving Your Older Child

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in October 2007.

In the years from six to twelve, your child should be deriving his happiness from engaging in everyday activities – school, friendships and extracurricular activities such as sports, music or other art forms. Your job as the parent is to be available to facilitate your child’s activities and to provide a support system for him, especially when he experiences frustration. As is true in all phases of your child’s life, but even more so now, you want to offer this age group as many opportunities as possible to exercise choice while you keep in mind their guidance and protection. The reason for allowing them to make choices is to foster their thinking and decision making ability!

Children whose developmental needs have been met will see their elementary school years as a positive and exciting challenge. A happy child enjoys using his own mind. He is naturally curious and is a resilient self-starter who is not deterred by setbacks. An unhappy child, on the other hand, often becomes anxious when faced with a learning task and has a lot of self-doubt. As for homework in this age group, the most effective help a parent can give is in establishing a daily work time, either before or after dinner. Your aim is to help him learn to organize and complete his homework rather than to make sure a certain assignment gets done. If a child asks for help, feel free to offer it. But if you begin a pattern of doing his homework with him, you foster dependency and take away his thinking ability.

Your child must go to school and comply with its rules and requirements, but some areas where she can exercise choice include her appearance (excluding school uniforms), her extracurricular activities, and her free time. Allow children the right to decide if an activity is no longer fun or rewarding. Understandably, parents who have spent countless hours chauffeuring their child and lots of money on equipment and lessons may feel personally disappointed by their child’s decision. It is all right, though, for parents to point out the benefits of continuing a skill she has worked hard to develop, but if she still insists on abandoning it, allow her the freedom to do so. As her parent, you can help her discover her unique gifts and talents and find suitable ways to develop those. Also, like adults, children need to have some part of their daily lives that is just for fun. So allow your child this free time and let her choose how she spends it. It is important not to have her life so structured that she cannot relax and reflect on things.

Parents are sometimes advised to approach children in this age group as though each rule, regulation, or request presents a crucial test of the parents’ authority and the child’s virtue. The truth is that children whose developmental needs are met will gradually find that they feel happier when they follow rules and honor requests. A good rule of thumb is not to demand instant and rigid compliance for every rule – that is, except for ones related to health or safety. A better approach is relaxed affection and a focus on accomplishments.

The experience of having friends is of major importance to children between the ages of six and twelve. If your child’s needs have been met, he will ride out the bumps of peer relationships. Although he may feel hurt and disappointed if he is excluded or teased by his friends, he will not be devastated because he will be able to turn to other friends or to you for assistance.

The signs for inner unhappiness to watch for in this age group are broad. They include ignoring rules, skipping homework, choosing friends who make them miserable, or provoking anyone who tries to help. Some more extreme signs include vandalizing property, stealing, or using drugs. Some involuntary signs might be stomach aches and head aches. If you find your children behaving in some of these ways, remember that they still need your understanding and support. You will be more effective at helping the unhappy older child if you avoid anger or disapproval or harsh punishments and instead focus on staying calm and empathetic but keeping the limits and giving choices.

Ages Three to Six: Loving Your Young Child

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2007.

If you as a parent have made it past the hard work of infancy and toddler hood and have established a good attachment bond with your child, you should now be entering an easier stage in your child’s development. Your child should now be ready to turn from needing your focused attention to deriving pleasure from everyday activities. Although you remain indispensable, you are no longer the focus of your young child’s most intensely felt needs. Instead you can be available and be the facilitator of his or her activities.

One of the biggest events for this age group is starting school. Your child is ready for pre-school when he is comfortable separating from you for short periods of time. When your child starts school is much less important than how he feels when he is there. The goal is not to teach your child specific facts but to teach him to like school and to feel happy and competent there. Many parents today are so focused on their child’s cognitive abilities and educational achievement that it almost supercedes other childhood needs. However, brain studies have shown that it is the secure attachment bond and the parents’ efforts to soothe and regulate their child’s emotions that better promote learning. Also, having plenty of time for unstructured free play is also important for a child’s intellectual and emotional development as opposed to organized sports and classes.

Almost all children ages three to six sometimes bend the truth a little now and then. When this occurs, many parents fear their child is not being moral and they react with disapproval, lectures or punishment. Children usually distort reality in an effort to feel in control of themselves and the world or to ward off any unwanted turn of events. If you realize that making up stories is a developmental stage that will be outgrown, then you will not feel the need to react with disapproval. Instead you can relax and help the child understand his reasoning. For example, if the child says she only took two pieces of candy but you see five candy wrappers, you might say something to the effect “It must be hard to stop at two pieces when the candy is so yummy.”

Since most pre-schoolers adore their parents, they generally love to help out. Therefore, if you want your pre-schooler to begin to do chores, make the work fun and do it along with her. Your goal should be to teach your child that helping out can be fun and rewarding, not to get her to do a particular chore.

When a child of this age feels frustrated, his reactions can be very explosive. Although these outbursts can be intense, they are fleeting and can easily be distinguished from the blind, sustained fury that characterizes temper tantrums. When your child loses patience, it is crucial for you to respond with warmth and loving regulation. The result will be that having what he wants will seem less important. Also, giving your young child lots of choices gives him the feeling he does have some control over his life – and it promotes thinking. Generally, a child cannot protest and think at the same time.

A good guide to determine if your child is on track for age appropriate behavior is to watch for symptoms of inner unhappiness. For this age group the main ones are temper tantrums, eating problems (either eating too little or too much), nightmares, or significant phobias as well as some involuntary symptoms such as bed wetting, stuttering, nervous tics, or excessive shyness. Any of these might signal that an earlier developmental need has not been met. Unfortunately, the most popular remedy is to focus on correcting the unwanted behavior rather than address the underlying cause. The parent instead should see these signs as a signal to change their parenting style to one that more balances love and limits. Also, the parent needs to examine their attachment bond with their child. At any age the way to repair this is to stay calm, “tune in” to your child’s feelings, and offer empathy but keep the limit and give choices. The good news – it is never too late to change!

Which Is It: Terrific or Terrible Twos? (Part 2)

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2007.

In addition to giving toddlers intense focused attention during ages 1 to 3 years, parents should begin to establish good boundaries for their children during this stage. What most parents do not know is that it is the child’s job to protest the boundaries! And it is the parents’ job to withstand the protests! Children need to be able to protest – what they don’t like and what they’re against. Being able to protest helps children define themselves. Children thus test your resolve to see if the boundary will hold and then learn about reality. Being unable to say “no” breeds compliant children who are taken advantage of in life. A child usually becomes compliant out of fear. Beware of the “perfect” child who is overly compliant and quiet. If children are loved enough to feel safe with their feelings, they protest with tears, anger, and acting out. With their parents’ love and limits, they then develop their own proactive boundaries and stop reacting eventually because they find they no longer have need for these outbursts, as they don’t feel helpless or controlled.

One sign of unhappiness to watch for in this age group is temper tantrums. While all children this age get cranky and willful and cry when angry for a short time (remember – that is their job), not all will fling themselves to the floor, howling and shrieking, holding their breath, breaking things, or hurting others. Children who are sure that their parents understand them will find the isolated fury of temper tantrums unappealing. Tantrums should be conceptualized as acts of desperation. Try to soothe and set the limit but give a constructive alternative to the wish that brought on the tantrum. More importantly, rethink their daily experience and the possible roots of their inner unhappiness and begin to be more involved in their day-to-day lives.

Some common battles at this age include eating, getting a child to follow a safety rule such as wearing a seat belt, getting a child to leave an activity s/he enjoys, bedtime, and toilet training. It is helpful for parents to know that they cannot control a child’s bladder, bowel, eating and sleeping. What parents can do is stay calm, validate their feelings, hold the limit and give some choices. For example, say “I know you’re upset and don’t want to leave the park – I don’t like to leave places when I’m having fun either – but we have to leave in 10 minutes (it is good to warn them ahead of time). When you get home, would you like to play a game or read a book?” If they cry in protest, stay calm and gently but firmly remove them.

Since toddlers want you – and want what they want – neither is conducive to civilized social relating. Therefore, there is no inherent value in arranging play dates for children under 3. If parents are socializing with other parents, let children share space but not be expected to share toys. To prevent problems, provide multiples of favorite toys or put away a favorite toy in advance. If not forced to share prematurely, a child who is older will begin to realize s/he will have more friends by sharing. And s/he will see you model sharing and being generous and follow your example. Also, you may want to avoid taking your toddler to places with tempting things that can’t be touched if you don’t want to struggle with them. Save that for later years. Remember that toddler hood is a temporary phase and toddlers are not just little adults.The needs of a toddler center around giving cues and signals to their parents and receiving reasonable, caring responses in return. If this process takes place, a secure attachment bond gets established between the parents and the child which will give the child an inner strength and happiness for the rest of their life. Then the child will then begin to turn their attention to outside activities and parenting will become easier. If the parent does not put in the hard work in these early years, both the child and the parent will pay a big price – the child in their self-esteem and the parent in the child’s negative behavior or unhappiness in subsequent years. So which is it – terrific or terrible two’s?

Which Is It: Terrific or Terrible Twos? (Part 1)

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2007.

As you leave behind the joys of your baby’s first year as an infant and approach toddler hood, did you know that ages 1-3 can be a time of great joy instead of the great terror to which many parents testify? A child this age will begin to make lightning progress in learning to negotiate the world by walking and talking. If you are aware of some important developmental needs of your child at this age, I believe you can instill in your child an inner happiness that is unshakable that can sustain him or her throughout life.

First, it is important to know that your child continues to need your focused attention during this time period, just as during their first year. After this time, he or she will begin to turn their focus to the outside world and need less of your attention, that is, once they are confident of their parent’s loving response. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics recently released a report that emphasized that the basic engagement between parent and child is what gives children the security they need to explore the world as well as improve their brain development, rather than signing up for an activity or buying a certain product. They suggested active interaction between parents and children, using reading, singing, talking, cuddling, and playing, and the use of toys such as blocks, basic dolls, art supplies and books that foster imagination.

Secondly, an important developmental thing to know about your toddler is his or her belief in their all-powerful self. He believes he can do or have anything. For example, your toddler may say he can fly, carry a heavy suitcase, or play basketball like the pros. It is best just to humor him, knowing he will outgrow this stage later. This belief in their all-powerful self is the root of their self-confidence later. (By the way, this stage repeats itself in the teen years. If you negotiate this stage well in toddler hood, it will be easier in the teen years.)

Thirdly, a toddler’s predominant words are “I want” and “no.” These express their belief in their power to control their environment. Since you cannot give in to their every demand, it is best to be understanding and diplomatic. Don’t lecture or yell. Yelling will make your child afraid of you. Don’t send him or her away for repeated time outs as this makes the child think she is unlovable or bad. Don’t routinely use rewards, because if they cease, the behavior may backfire. Instead try to set limits and stay connected. Try to remain calm and show you can tolerate their protests. Try to empathize or validate what they are feeling. Do give choices – these restore some sense of control to them and also foster their decision-making ability. For example, a common problem is bedtime. A child’s resistance to bedtime is understandable and appropriate for her age. She wants to be with you. Her demands for water are actually creative. Tell her, briefly but empathetically, she has had enough water and it is time for sleeping. Tell her she can have water when she wakes up. If she continues to protest, return periodically to soothe her but keep the limit.Hopefully, you can see that your job is to regulate your toddler’s life, not dictate it by harsh rules and punishment, nor give in permissively to what is easiest at the moment, for example, to let the child stay up too late. And if you treat him or her with focused attention and loving understanding and give some choices, your toddler will come to accept some non-negotiable limits and learn important lessons about reality. Parenting is front end loaded – if you are willing to work hard in the early years, your job will become easier as time goes on. So which is it: terrific or terrible two’s?

A Child's First Year

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2007.

The process of forming secure attachments between a child and his or her parents begins the first year of life. If there is an attentive loving responsiveness of caregivers in the first few years of life, children become securely attached and develop a healthy sense of self in the world. Since this process is so important, I am going to give some tips on how to go about establishing this secure attachment.

Attachment is like dancing partners who develop dance moves based on cues and signals. Babies and caregivers develop their attachment in this same way – by cues and signals. When parents are sensitive to the baby’s cues for help and when they respond in a reasonably responsive and caring way, the baby is likely to decide life is safe and good. Babies cry for several reasons: because they are hungry, wet, tired, in pain, or overstimulated. Guideline: always try to comfort a crying baby. Babies cry only from discomfort and not with the intent to anger or manipulate their parents. Parents who are not aware of the importance of responding gently and positively to their infant’s discomfort may inadvertently teach them to cry harder and more intensely. Eventually they may stop crying because they have abandoned hope that help will come.

Some parents of newborns are pleased to be needed and helpful. But others feel trapped and burdened. The latter may be home all the time, but they are emotionally unavailable. If this is the case, it is a sign that the parent needs help for his or her own emotional problems. On the other hand, the parent does not need to be overly attentive and not accomplish household chores or spend time with their spouse. The key word is “reasonably” – to be reasonably responsive. A good way to explain it is that parents are “on call” for their babies without devoting their entire lives to them. It’s really more of the attitude of the parent that the child picks up on.

The reality is that children thrive better if they have at least one parent available for them the majority of the time until age 3. Quality time (vs. quantity), despite its popularity, does not result in the highest possible quality of life for young children. Children will not be harmed if both parents work full-time, but they will benefit enormously if they do have one parent available to them most of the day. If both parents do have to work, there are some things they can do to minimize this time away, such as try to stagger hours, have in-home care with the same caring person, and if they use daycare try to find a setting with low staff turnover and a high ratio of staff to children. Also, they can make the time they do have with their infant a positive experience and take seriously any changes in their child’s mood or behavior.

Some signs that an infant has inner unhappiness are: (1) not smiling – smiling is the hallmark of the 3-9 month old, and (2) inability to go to sleep and stay asleep. When an infant cries, try to comfort him or her and keep returning until they learn their cries will be responded to. If your infant is not smiling regularly or has difficulty sleeping, rethink their daily experience.

The first year is a time for a baby to learn to explore. Try to baby proof the house so the baby can safely do so. Gently redirect the baby when s/he is going after something s/he can’t have. This protects the baby’s confidence and curiosity.To sum up, the first year is not a time to discipline or set rigid schedules. It is a time to be available and responsive and to foster secure attachment. There is the mistaken belief by some that parenting can be slipped into an already busy life of work, hobbies, and a social agenda. However, if parents will sacrifice for the first 3-5 years, as the child grows older, they will have more time to meet personal needs and the children will be well-launched on their journey toward a happy and meaningful life.

Secure Attachments

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2007.

One of the best kept secrets, I believe, in the field of psycho-therapy, is “attachment theory.” Almost every conference I attend or professional magazine I receive talks about its importance. Yet few people in the general public are familiar with the term. I think if people understood it, they might understand much of their own behavior in their close relationships. So just what is “attachment theory”?

The theory had its early roots over half a century ago when Rene Spitz noted that babies who were well fed, clothed, and kept warm in an orphanage, but given no emotional attention, holding, or affection, had a syndrome he called “hospitalization.” The babies’ mental development slowed or stopped, and their appetite and weight gain decreased until they eventually lost any interest in interacting and often they died. Later the work of John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, and others described and verified by research the attachment process – that infants come into the world helpless and completely dependent on their parents. An “attachment figure” (usually one or both parents) thus needs to provide comfort and security from which the child will develop a secure attachment to them and a subsequent healthy sense of self in the world. Positive attachment creates a secure base from which children learn to explore their world and a safe haven to which they can retreat from the stress of the outside world. If there is an attentive, loving responsiveness of caregivers in the first few years of life, they become securely attached and develop a sense of basic trust. Without a secure attachment, they can become either anxious or avoidant. Anxious children are constantly seeking the safety of their attachment figures. Eventually if they cannot get the attention they need from their attachment figure, then they give up and stop seeking relationship altogether. People then carry these relationship styles with them into all future relationships.

A positive goal in life would be to transition to God as the ultimate attachment figure. This can come about naturally if people have experienced healthy attachments. However, if people have attachment wounds, these can follow them through life and affect their abilities to have satisfactory relationships and maybe even be passed on to their children. Or insecure people can eventually grapple with their attachment wounds and seek help and receive healing.

The good news is that attachment wounds can be healed. As stated previously, children come into the world needy and dependent on their parents. If their parents have their own problems and cannot adequately be tuned in and responsive to the child’s emotional needs as a result, then the child has to conclude “something must be wrong with me.” To think otherwise is life threatening – i.e., a child cannot just leave and find a new family. But in actuality, something is wrong with the parent, not the child. Healing can usually come after realizing and correcting these distorted beliefs and agreeing and accepting that each of us has innate value and worth on our own. Then we no longer have to struggle with insecurity. We can go out into the world and enjoy being the person we were created to be. We can enjoy close relationships without either being dependent on another person for our security or giving up totally and avoiding close relationships.

Because of the importance of secure attachments for setting children on the right emotional path for life, parenting can be a daunting task. Therefore, I plan to focus my articles throughout the coming year on how to help give children these secure attachments at each stage of their development, beginning with infants and extending to the teenage years.