Overcoming Evil

In last month’s article, I described what I view is the problem of evil – that it is so common. All of us are capable of doing evil, but some people seem to hide their evil behind a facade of goodness. To repeat the definition of what I view as evil, according to Dan Allender in his book Bold Love, “Evil is present when there is a profound absence of empathy . . . An evil person is unmoved by the inner world of the other and has no respect for boundaries.” When their patterns of harm are exposed, evil people are not sorrowful nor open to feedback. Often they masterfully cause confusion and in turn make the victims of their abuse feel like the perpetrators of harm. Evil is fairly predictable in its efforts to intimidate through manipulation and shame. Evil wants control and absolute power over choice. An evil person wants not only conformity to their ways but almost an unearned devotion that borders on worship. An evil person, in a sense, seeks to steal the lifeblood from the soul of another. With this said, I would now like to address what what to do about overcoming evil.

One of the first things I suggest is to set limits on evil. I rarely have to worry about encountering evil people in counseling. They usually do not come because, according to them, they do not have the problem. But I see many of their victims, the so-called weak people who are depressed or addicted. I call these people courageous, because they are attempting to shine the light of truth on their entrapment. They often struggle hard to get free and do so at great costs. Often they must give up a relationship with a parent or other significant person while other family members and friends continue to relate to that person. Often it is the fear of abandonment that blocks most of us from setting limits and establishing boundaries. And sadly, many of the victims are powerless children whose choices are to become perfectionist conformists or to fall prey to depression or rebelliousness. Yet for those adults who have the freedom and courage to set limits on evil, they can find hope in knowing that they are doing the more loving thing by not continuing to allow an evil person to consistently and perniciously sin against them. Unfortunately, kindness and reasoning do not seem to work. It may take extreme measures, such as being willing to walk out, hang up the phone, or even call the police if the evil person intimidates through shame or manipulation.

Having suggested that to set limits on evil is all right, I want to quickly add a cautionary suggestion: hatred of evil in another may indicate our own evil propensity. In this case, we should examine ourselves thoroughly, as the Bible says, inspecting the log in our own eyes before examining the speck in another. Yes, we may want to avoid someone who has harmed us or, at least, limit their ability to harm us again. But if our motivation is vengeance, we need beware. Again according to Allender, “Evil knows the ways of evil. . . What evil cannot comprehend is goodness. Goodness offers life; evil seeks death.” So a better way to deal with evil is to overcome it with goodness. Good draws forth rage from evil because evil expects the good to operate according to its same principles, that is, in returning evil for evil. But if we desire in our hearts to root out evil, even in those who harm us, then we are doing good. We should want to put limits on evil in order that those who harm us would repent and change. It takes lots of wisdom, courage and creativity to do this.

As Scott Peck says in his book People of the Lie, evil spelled backwards is “live” – a person must want to come out from under the bondage to another in order to really live and become their true self.

The Problem of Evil

I recall my experience of serving in an internship for a semester in a group therapy behavioral center for those with dual diagnoses – depression and/or anxiety with or without co-existing addictions. As I sat with these good people who were struggling to recover from their problems, I often heard them ask the question, “How can people be so cruel?” They said this often in reference to family members or co-workers whom they seemed to hold responsible for most of their difficulties. I recall the psychologist’s answer: “You simply need to know and accept that there are evil people in this world.” He went on to tell them, however, that they fortunately no longer had to be in bondage to them. A book he recommended they read was Scott Peck’s People of the Lie, which is a great description of real evil and may differ from the pre-conceived notions many of us have about evil.

Since I have talked about boundary setting and codependency in the last few articles, I thought this would be a good time to address this issue of evil. We all know of people like Saddam Hussein who are masters of evil. But according to Dan Allender in his book Bold Love, there are many people who do not perpetrate societal or individual barbarity but who are more than simply arrogant, hard, and hurtful. “All of us are capable of doing evil things, but evil people are driven by a self-interest that is so heartless, conscious, and cruel that they delight in stealing from others the lifeblood of their soul.” These people often masquerade as ordinary, unassuming people who hide behind a facade of normalcy. Again according to Allender, “Evil is present when there is a profound absence of empathy, shame, and goodness. . . An evil person is unmoved by the inner world of the other and has no respect for boundaries.” When their patterns of harm are exposed, they are not sorrowful or open to feedback. Their narcissism, or pride, is profound.

Evil rarely shows itself as bad. Instead, it often portrays itself as helpful, kind and generous, but these are displayed to entangle the victim deeper in the evil person’s web, i.e., there are strings attached. Evil people for the most part are unfeeling and without emotion. The victim is just an object to be controlled or destroyed. A characteristic of evil people is their ability to cause confusion as they regularly and masterfully portray their motives and behavior as innocent and in turn make the victims of their abuse feel like the perpetrators of the harm. They use heartless accusations and shame to wear down their victims and show no remorse for doing so. Just like a dictator who wants to limit the freedom of speech and thought of his constituents, so does an evil person desire to control and have absolute power over the choices of another.

An example Allender gives of an evil person is the following: “The father who craftily and pervasively undermines his children at every point of decision, criticizing their reasoning or their motives, superintending every one of their relationships with solicitousness and overprotection, may appear to outsiders to be a committed and sacrificial parent, but in fact may be a jealous, obsessive accuser who devours their hearts.” Another example he gives is the mother who may be a pleasant, hospitable woman known as a good Christian, who may even serve on church committees and be involved in civic organizations, but at home behind closed doors she may “ooze molten contempt” and “in her volcanic fury melts everyone who dares stand in her path.” She may coerce her children into doing as she wants while remarking, “I’m glad you’ve come to your senses.” One problem with discerning evil people is that they are so common. (To be continued next month.)

Attempting to Define Codependence

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2004.

I have many clients who come to therapy having been told they are “codependent.” Or as we talk I even throw out the word “codependent” to give them some name or framework to what they are experiencing. They seem to know something about themselves is not quite right but they do not have words to explain their experience. They just seem to feel a nebulous or chaotic sense about themselves.

Having talked about boundaries in the last couple of articles, I thought this would be a good point at which to address this term “codependence.” To give some background, the term was coined in the 1970's to explain the experience of those who were married to alcoholics, that is, those who supported the alcoholics in their lifestyle by enabling them or rescuing them. They were thought to also be dependent along with the alcoholic in this lifestyle, hence a partner in dependency. The definition of the word has since evolved into many different meanings. It has come to mean having an addiction to a person and seems to manifest itself in repeating the same type of self-defeating relationships with different people again and again. One definition I like that is quoted by Melody Beattie in her book Codependent No More is, “It means I am always looking for someone to glob onto.” The term codependence has even come to mean being an addictive person in general, addicted to various types of substances or behaviors, such as alcohol, drugs, food, work, shopping, or relationships. That is, they are looking outside themselves to find something which will satisfy their inner longings.

After much research and many attempts to define this fuzzy condition known as codependence, one common denominator that does seem to come through is the secret unwritten rules that develop in a family that order relationships. According to Beattie, “These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect; selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change . . . These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too.” These are the old “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” rules that have long been known in Alcoholics Anonymous circles.

Another way of explaining codependence is to say these people have poor boundaries or to say that they have passive people-pleasing personalities. These people can find favor in the eyes of many, especially if they are compulsive caretakers, but they eventually become worn down and feel empty. They may even become angry at the very people that they have cared for. They come to think that the problem is the “other person” who if just would change would make their own lives better. But the trick is, who can change another person? And the truth is, if that problem person changes, usually the codependent family comes unglued. For example, if the alcoholic quits drinking, the family does not know how to relate to this new person and usually prefers the old way of organizing around the problem person.

Codependents do not become the way they are on their own. They are a product of their family systems. Their real need is to change themselves and learn to establish good boundaries around themselves. Somehow they need to extricate themselves from their unhealthy system, which is frightening to codependents, but necessary. I recommend to those trapped in the cycle of codependency to take a prolonged period of time to be selfish. Codependents feel the way they are relating is so right because they are loving others. But the Biblical command is to “love your neighbor as yourself”(emphasis mine). Codependents can benefit from a time of catching up on learning what it is to love themselves. They can start by taking long baths and long walks. They can give themselves time to explore what they really think, feel, and want in life. And when recovered, they can then better love others. This is not easy. It may even take a whole generation to break codependent patterns.