Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2005.
For most people, anger is not a pleasant topic. When frustration starts to build, many of us revert to pre-adolescent behavior. It is amazing sometimes how quickly we can be overtaken by anger – sometimes in a matter of seconds. Anger is a huge problem for a lot of people. Many couples come to counseling with anger as a major issue. Also, it is the number one reason kids are brought to counseling.
Anger is often a misunderstood emotion, yet it is one of the most powerful and controlling of all the emotions. Some people think that anger is always wrong. However, it is a God given emotion, and if used in a healthy way, it can be beneficial. Often too we fall into stereotypes with anger: it is not a permissible emotion for women whereas it is the only permissible emotion for men. But emotions are neither male nor female.
Anger is energy. It puts our bodies into a state of readiness by pumping out adrenaline and nor-adrenaline, raising our heart rate and blood pressure, and tightening our muscles. Also, anger is the emotion most likely to induce the same emotion in another person.
One important thing to know about anger is that it is usually a secondary emotion. We often experience anger in response to another primary emotion, which is usually out of our awareness. Almost always anger is a protector for one of the following: 1) hurt in the past, 2) frustration about a blocked goal in the present, or 3) fear in the future. Anger protects by energizing: if you hurt me, then I get angry, then I can protect myself and you have to be careful around me. The key to managing anger then becomes learning to identify the primary emotions in order deal with them, rather than to react in anger.
Although we can’t always control the experience of anger, we can learn to control the expression of it. However, sometimes this takes a lot of work over time and may require the help of a trained professional. Never is it good for anyone to explode on another person with shouting, throwing things, or using angry words, such as put downs, name calling, blaming, sarcasm, swearing, and the like. Also, be aware that the expression of anger can take passive forms, such as pouting and withdrawing. A person can implode as well as explode, which is also harmful to self and not the loving thing to do.
Some people spend their anger energy and get some potential short term benefits. By getting it off their chest, they feel better, they get their way, and they’re in control temporarily. Yet they may lose in the long run, because some of the long term risks include health factors, especially coronary heart disease in men, as well as broken relationships and a lack of intimacy in relationships.
Some steps for managing your anger include, first of all, awareness of it. Next you must admit your anger and accept responsibility for it. Sure, someone else can cause your anger, but you are always responsible for how you choose to express it. Next, determine who or what is going to have control – the anger or yourself. A next step is to identify and get to its source, which sometimes involves taking time out and processing it. You can invest the energy of anger by exercising, praying, or taking time to listen inside. Merely venting it by throwing things only tends to escalate it. Then lastly, you can choose your response and can speak calmly to the other person in a controlled manner – speaking for the anger rather than from it.
Think of your anger as a control light on the dash of your car, letting it be a signal that something else is going on under the hood. And remember: unhealthy anger reacts whereas healthy anger responds. How well are you managing your anger?
