Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2006.
On first glance, you might say: “what’s wrong with perfectionism?” Isn’t that what Americans are taught to strive for? Our society certainly does value perfect looks as well as achievement of high standards in business, academia and athletics. And parents and teachers alike praise and reward perfectionist children. What may be unknown is that there can be some perils to perfectionism.
On the outside perfectionists are those people who appear to have high standards and pursue excellence. They seem to be full of energy and enthusiasm and to have a positive self-image. However, perfectionism often covers anxiety, fears, poor relationships, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, rage, depression, and suicidal impulses. These people struggle with the same problems as those who are under-achievers, who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, and who act out with violent or destructive behavior. The major difference is that society rewards the perfectionists and frowns on the those who are addicted, often viewing the latter as weak or lacking in self-control.
A way to know if someone’s perfectionism is not healthy is to determine if they set unrealistic high standards and are continuously upset with self-criticism, concern over mistakes, and doubts about doing the right thing. It is not good if their sense of self worth seems to depend entirely on their performance and production. For example, the straight A student becomes completely distraught over making a B or the premier athlete cannot shake off making a bad play in the game. This is not to say there is no room for disappointment when a person with high standards makes a mistake. But the difference is that a person who has healthy standards can be upset and disappointed when they mess up but can also recover and be forgiving of themselves. They don’t continue to carry the shame and guilt about failing for an extended period of time. They can also relax and enjoy other aspects of life, such as fun activities or relating to friends. They do not see life as black or white – as complete success or complete failure.
It is very difficult to give up the relentless pursuit of perfectionism, speaking as a recovering perfectionist myself. But one of the ways to do it is to recognize that all of us are human, which inherently means that we make mistakes and that we cannot say or do the right thing at all times and have everyone like us. Also, being loved and accepted by others for who we are and not just what we do – even if it’s by only one significant person in our life – can free us to accept ourselves. Loving friends, family members, teachers and church groups can do this for us. They can also begin to recognize the possible perils of perfectionism and see some inherent dangers in it, rather than automatically to assume it is a positive trait and reward, or even worse, demand it.
