How Well Do You Listen?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2009.

I wrote about the importance of good communication skills as a key to satisfactory relationships in a previous article (see July 2009). What many people do not realize is that the flip side of talking effectively is listening effectively. Listening is not just passive, but it too is a skill that needs to be developed in order for caring communication to occur.

Most of us have habits that keep us from paying full attention to the person talking, especially when there is a stressful or complicated issue. Often we pay only partial attention because we are rehearsing what we are going to say next. At other times, as we listen, we mainly are evaluating what the other person is saying and we are forming judgments about whether it is right or wrong or whether we agree or disagree. We may then become more reactive than attentive and more prone to interrupt and perhaps defend our position. When we listen in these ways, we keep our focus more on our own experience than on the other person’s.

However, to be understood by another person is a key route to intimacy and connection in a close relationship, such as that of a spouse, a child, or a good friend. What good listening does is to put your own concerns on hold temporarily and to allow the talker to tell his or her full story spontaneously, without your interference. Your goal is understanding – without necessarily agreeing or disagreeing, blaming or defending, or jumping into action by offering a solution. In other words, the key to listening is following!

Some skills to accomplish this active listening include attending to the other person. When you attend, you give him or her your full attention by listening with your body and mind. If possible, stop other activity that could be distracting. Turn your body toward the other person and give him or her eye contact whenever possible. In other words, give the person talking the floor. This values him or her by signaling your availability and interest.

Another listening skill is acknowledging someone else’s message. By this you let the person know either verbally or nonverbally that you are with him or her. You validate his or her experience, even though you may not fully agree with it. An acknowledgement can range from a simple nod of your head or an “uh-huh” to making a brief interpretative statement, such as “I can see you’re upset by this.” When your acknowledgement taps the talker’s experience accurately, the impact can be powerful. And the person talking can experience your acceptance and affirmation, or in other words, your empathy or ability to put yourself in his or her shoes.

If time allows, inviting more information is a powerful listening tool. How often in today’s hurried world are you asked, “Tell me more,” or “Is there anything else you want me to know?” Most people unconsciously test listeners with brief pauses to see if it is okay to continue talking. They do not tell what they are deeply thinking, feeling, or wanting unless they are sure the listener really wants to know. But many listeners take the pause as a cue to jump in and start directing the conversation by giving advice or asking questions. If you do not do this but instead invite the talker to tell you more, he or she will lead you to more useful information. Continue inviting until the talker has nothing more to add. At this point you will realize you have heard his or her full story.

Lastly, the skill of summarizing helps ensure the accuracy of your understanding of the other person. Rather than say, “I understand what you are saying,” which can sound a bit arrogant (and may be untrue), instead summarize back to him or her what you thought you heard. Many misunderstandings do not occur due to lack of good will but instead to what happens to the message internally, such as an embellishment or misinterpretation of what was meant. By paraphrasing back what you thought you heard, you ask for confirmation. If your the talker agrees, you are assured you share the meaning. A shared meaning occurs when the message sent by one person is the same as the message received by the other.

In summary, listening is an active skill which is a vital component of good communication and which can promote understanding in close relationships. It can also reduce interpersonal tension and build trust in relationships. And actively listening earns you the right to also be heard and understood. (Note: Reference for the articles on communication skills – Talking and Listening Together by Sherod Miller, et al.)

How Well Do You Communicate?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2009.

Most people realize that the key to good relationships is communication. But how many have actually been taught good communication skills? It has been shown that a person can have a good caring attitude yet their communication can still be unclear or misunderstood. This is where skill enters in.

Basic to all communication skills is speaking for self. When you speak for yourself, you combine a personal pronoun – “I,” “me,” “my,” or “mine” – with other parts of your message. To speak for self is to take responsibility for what you say. As a result, your messages are clearer and easier for others to hear and less apt to be discounted. As a person, you have a right to your beliefs and opinions and should be considered an authority on your own experience. Examples are, “Here’s my idea” or “I feel frustrated when you do that.”

An opposing way of speaking for self is to speak for others. When you speak for others, you usually make “you statements.” When you do so, you stimulate defensiveness in others and resistance to what you say simply by the way you say it. Others may interpret your words as trying to control what they think, feel, or want. Few people like someone else running their lives, even if what is said is true. Examples are, “That’s not what you really mean,” or “You made me angry.” A way to further raise defensiveness is to combine words like “should” or “ought” with “you statements.” For example, “You should do this” or “You ought to change that.” There are, however, acceptable times for using “you statements,” as in the case of the teacher to student, the parent to child, or the employer to employee – all for purposes of instruction. But I would caution you to use “you statements” sparingly if you want your message to be received.

Another important communication skill is to ask open questions. Open questions often begin with a “W” word: Who, What, Where, and When; or the word How. Open questions are more effective questions because they give others more choice about how to answer. In contrast, closed, narrow or leading questions limit or attempt to direct others’ responses. For example, “Are you mad or sad?” (This requires an either-or response.) Better would be, “How do you feel?” Another example is, “Isn’t this the best meal you’ve ever had?” (This requires a yes or no response.) Better would be, “What did you think about the meal?”

A specific type of question to avoid is the “Why” question. Do you recall the last time someone asked you, “Why did you do that?” Do you recall feeling tense or on the spot? This is a typical reaction to “Why” questions. Also, “Why” questions usually disguise statements. The tone of voice accompanying them is often negative. They have the tendency to challenge or blame or to get you to justify or defend yours actions or positions. Furthermore, you can seldom give a satisfactory answer to a “why” question, because the intent of most “why” questions is not to gain information but to persuade. For example, “Why are you wearing that?” may have the disguised message of “I don’t want you to wear that.” The only acceptable time for a “Why” question is when you have a genuine curiosity about a subject and you completely withhold judgment about the person’s response.

Asking open questions can be a powerful way to connect to someone. However, some people mistakenly believe that good communication involves asking a lot of questions. Too many questions can actually interfere with effective communication because they can start to direct the story of the person talking. And they can interfere with the natural flow of a talker’s story. When you raise a question, the talker has to stop and think about what you just asked. As a result, the talker may be led away or distracted from what he or she wants to say. If given the chance, most people can tell their story best without prompting questions.

Realize that each time you say something, your message contains two parts: what you say – the content, and how you say it – the style. It doesn’t matter how accurate your content is if your non-verbal communication, such as the tone of your voice or your body language, says something different. Remember to be aware both of what you say and how you say it. And if your intent is to connect with others rather than to control them, your communication will be more effective.

How to Fight Fair

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2008.

The well-known saying that everything is fair in love and war may be widely accepted, but I beg to disagree. And contrary to what many married couples think – that avoiding conflict is the most peaceful thing to do to promote harmony – just the opposite is true: conflict actually promotes intimacy! It is all right to have a fight, but not just any approach will do, and some approaches may cause lasting harm to a relationship. Knowing how to fight fair is critical to your survival as a happy couple.

So what do most couples fight about? When it comes to the big list, research shows that money is the number one issue regardless of income. Couples are constantly faced with financial decisions and many have conflicting spending and saving styles, usually based on how their families of origin handled money. Other big topic issues include sex, in-laws, children, and chores. But not all conflicts revolve around big issues – many erupt over relatively minor issues. Often couples simply bicker about things that do not seem to matter. These are signs that you are not getting to the real issues.

Successful couples have learned to resolve conflict without leaving battle scars. First of all, they don’t run from strife. The rule of thumb is: when one spouse brings up an issue, the other has to respond. However, one of the most destructive things in a marriage can be the growing sense that you are walking through a mine field and your spouse might explode with an issue at any minute and without warning. Instead of having arguments whenever issues come up, you should agree to deal with them when you are both able to do it well. Trying to force an issue when the other person is tired or not prepared only generates more tension. However, it then becomes incumbent on the partner who is not ready to set another time, preferably within a day or two, that is agreeable to both. Sometimes the length of time you will discuss the issue needs to be set, such a one hour, only to pick up the discussion at a more convenient time, rather than talking on and on. Having a rule that either partner can call a time out if the discussion gets angrily out of hand can also be helpful.

Another thing successful couples do is to define the issue clearly. When you feel the tension rising inside, ask yourself what is really bugging you. Often it is not the event but a hidden issue beneath the event. For example, if a wife complains about her husband coming home late from work, the real issue might be that she does not feel cared for. Also, stay on issue! Do not move from one issue to another, saying perhaps “And another thing: Why do you always . . . ?” Escalation occurs when partners negatively respond back and forth to each other, continually upping the ante so that conditions get worse and worse. And once negative abusive comments are made, they are hard to take back and usually threaten the lifeblood of the marriage.

Once you have contracted to discuss a defined issue, be sure to discuss it fully. And be sure to state your feelings directly. The “X, Y, Z” formula is one way to do this where you fill in the blanks: “In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z. For example, “When you work late and you do not let me know, I feel unloved and lonely.” Instead of being defensive, the partner should be willing to listen. Softening your tone and validating your spouse’s point of view are powerful tools to end escalation. Sometimes the very process of understanding the issue itself becomes the solution. At other times, it is necessary to brainstorm for solutions and to compromise with the solutions that best take into consideration both partners.

In conclusion, fighting is not bad in marriage – and can even be beneficial, but how you fight is the primary indicator of the future happiness of a marriage. Fighting fair opens the door to a more vital and intimate marriage.

Growing in Intimacy

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2008.

A vital part of a strong marriage is the component of intimacy. So many young couples never learn this skill and inevitably grow apart. This results is a couple, years down the road, living parallel lives – that is, they share the same children, house, meals, checkbook, even bedroom, but they live their own separate lives, with separate friends and interests, and never really “know” each other. These couples then wake up one day to the realization that something is missing and often look for alternate sources of intimacy, either in another romantic relationship or an addiction.

Intimacy is the “best friends” aspect of marriage. Sometimes couples confuse physical intimacy with the type of emotional intimacy to which I am referring. Ideally, married couples should be best friends as well as lovers – sharing dreams, interests, fears and hopes. But often many women seek out friends or relatives before confiding in their husbands. Similarly, men are more likely to talk to their close friends about their future dreams and ambitions than they are their wives. Does this mean we shouldn’t have close friends – of course not. But it does mean we should place priority on cultivating intimacy with our spouses.

One way to do this is to spend time together. Studies indicate that marital happiness is highly correlated with the amount of time spent together – one on one time. Spending time with the children as a family is important too but should not take the place of couple time. I encourage couples with young children, who have limited time, to postpone some hobbies and social interests until their children get older. For example, many a marriage have been harmed by a husband who leaves his wife with small children while he goes hunting. He can instead earn valuable deposits in his wife’s love account if he stays home and helps at this crucial stage. Then later he can hunt at will, as many older women do not mind, and may even welcome, their husbands leaving for a hunting trip. Do you know why? It’s because the young wife is looking for reassurance that her husband chooses her first – above anyone or anything. Once this question is settled in her mind – settled by many experiences of being chosen first – then she is less likely to mind the short separations that work, hobbies or other interests bring.

Another thing that promotes intimacy is heart-to-heart talks. These do not happen on the go. Intimacy is cultivated when we carefully listen to our partner – not just to their story but also to their feelings. So be sure to cultivate intimacy by sharing your heart with your partner – your beliefs, opinions, emotions, experiences and deep desires. Also, each person should be able to voice a complaint to the other and not fear being ignored, discounted or angrily attacked. Often one or both partners fear conflict and avoid it at all costs. The sad irony is that avoiding conflict seems like the peaceful thing to do to promote harmony in the relationship, but just the opposite is true – conflict promotes intimacy! The reasons are that being open and honest with one another clears the air as well as brings a deeper knowledge of the other person, while holding things inside keep us more frustrated and isolated. Of course, the fighting must be fair. (I’ll address that in a future article.) The inability to talk in these heart-to-heart ways is an early red flag signaling later marital difficulties.

Partners who do not cultivate intimacy are doomed to live in an “empty-shell” marriage. They may coordinate the practical details of their daily lives but they live in an emotional vacuum, never really enjoying the full beauty of married love. And another unfortunate side effect is that it may eventually affect the physical aspect of the marriage – all the more reason to grow in intimacy.

A Little Less Talk and a Lot More Action

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2006.

In today’s modern world it seems we are being bombarded with constant communication – with e-mail, cell phones, text messaging, Facebook, etc . It’s not uncommon to see many people “plugged in” at all times, even multi-tasking by working, attending class, checking out of stores, or talking to you while sending messages to someone else. Is it possible that we seem to be communicating more and more yet we are connecting with people less and less? I think that to be the case.

One reason I believe we are not truly connecting amidst all the apparent chatter is that in our electronic world we are missing some key ingredients for true communication. When communication has been analyzed in the laboratory, it has been found that only 7% of what we convey is contained in the content, that is, the actual words we say. It has been found that 38% of communication is connected to sound of our voice – the loudness or softness with which we speak, the fastness or slowness, the speech tones and inflections, or the level of tension. Then an amazing 55% of communication is found in our body language – our facial expressions and body movements, including small hand and muscle movements, our eye contact, our breathing rate, our posture shifts, and even our closeness or distance from others.

I hope you can see that in electronic communication we are missing the majority of true communication – the nonverbals which show our emotions. It might be said that talking on the phone is better than texting or sending e-mails, since at least the sound of someone’s voice is available. However, even phone communication is still missing over half of the ingredients that give us the full picture of someone’s message. A novel gets around these issues by describing in detail the sound of someone’s voice and their body language. And a skilled communicator could convey some of these by their use of descriptive words in their message. But this is rare since most people use broken sentences and symbols to convey quick, often disjointed, messages.

Another reason people seem to be connecting less and less is their lack of time and effort to develop close relationships. Communication that is connecting involves getting beneath the surface of small talk or shop talk and unveiling your deeper thoughts, your emotions and your desires. This level of communication must be done in the context of a safe and caring environment. It involves vulnerability which must be reciprocated. Also, making eye contact adds depth to this connection, as our eyes are often considered the windows to our souls.

Can you see how in our hectic world we are losing our ability to communicate? It is well known that babies cannot thrive without the physical touch of being held and the soothing sound of a human voice. I contend that the majority of people are suffering with this loss of true connection. They feel empty and lost and do not know why. The busyness of electronic communication is a poor substitute for the real thing. It only seems to give the illusion that we are close to others. As much as possible, I encourage you to limit electronic communication for business purposes and for the exchange of information. But in your personal life, be sure you are involved, one on one, with real people with whom you can truly connect. How about having “a little less talk and a lot more action!”

The Switchboard

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2006.

My good friend Charlice Gillespie often recounted wonderful tales of growing up in the small town of Inverness in the 1920's. One of her stories had to do with the local telephone switchboard operator. To make a phone call back then, everyone had to go through the switchboard operator, who as you can guess possessed a wealth of information. Charlice says that the operator would often inform people of each other’s whereabouts. She recounts attempting to call her friend and the operator informed her the friend had gone to lunch and she would need to call back later. Another time she tried to call home from college at night, and the operator told her that it was too late to be calling her parents because they might be asleep and to call back in the morning.

Obviously, we don’t have or need switchboards of that kind today in our world of cell phones with instant and direct communication. In fact, a young person might not even know what one is. The closest semblance might be automated voice mail. Telephone switchboards with human operators are a thing of the past. But families often have a semblance of the old telephone switchboard operating in their relationships. By this I mean that one member of the family, usually a mother or a grandmother, acts as the switchboard operator. This person receives all the information and then distributes it to other family members, including spouse, children, or extended relatives. This can be a great position for the person who operates the switchboard, for she is “in the know” and gets to relate to all the members. But it can be detrimental to other relationships in the family – the reason being that they do not have their own relationship with each person.

While it is natural for a mother or grandmother to be the switchboard operator in their families, for women by nature are keepers of relationships, I would encourage these carriers of information to widen their circle. The reason is that it promotes healthier families for each member to have their own access to other members. This does not take away from the person at the switchboard having full, rich relationships with anyone. I encourage that. But it allows for more security and connection for all members. Then if the switchboard operator is not there one day, the family won’t drift apart, as some do, nor will they have to struggle so hard to re-negotiate their relationships.

When I discovered this principle, I found myself operating the switchboard in my family, as my mother before me had done. I recall my mother relaying to me what my dad thought or said. Looking back I wish I had known him more intimately myself. I then began to encourage my family members to establish their own connections with each other. My husband now phones our grown children and initiates outings with them. Sometimes the children call me and sometimes they call him. My children each stay in contact with each other. I don’t always get all the information, but I have the assurance that they all care for each other and would be all right should something happen to me. I encourage you to promote these healthy connections in your family as well. Do so by making the position of the switchboard operator obsolete in your family just as it is in today’s world.

Communication Styles Reflect Boundaries

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in April 2004.

Last month I talked about boundary setting, that is, how to put invisible fences around our souls to show ownership of what is rightfully ours. Included in our boundaries are our thoughts and opinions, our feelings, our desires and dreams, our choices and behaviors with subsequent consequences, and the development of our gifts and talents. This month I want to show how our communication styles to a large extent reflect our boundaries.

There are three major styles of communicating which I believe are negative styles and styles which violate boundaries: aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive. What I consider a positive style and keeps proper boundaries is a fourth style, which is being assertive. I will explain all of these and ask you to consider where you see yourself as you read them. Keep in mind that you can be in all of these styles at times, depending on whom you are relating to at the moment. But in general, you may find yourself in one major category.

The first style I want to address is the aggressive style. These people cross other’s boundaries by being pushy and intrusive. They may defend themselves by saying, “I just believe in speaking my mind” but they often do so at the expense of others. They usually have to be right and like to win at all costs. These are usually your sharp-tongued folks, whose words seem to penetrate, that is, come across as harsh and hurtful. They may even masquerade behind being joking and sarcastic. Other descriptors include being rude, bossy, intimidating, defensive, disruptive, eruptive, belittling, bragging, lecturing, or outright cursing and using foul language. A major character trait is that they are narcissistic, that is, it’s all about them. They seem to have little capacity to empathize or see how their behavior effects others. (Note: not all of the adjectives have to apply to be in a category.)

The second style is the passive style. These are people who allow others to cross their boundaries. These include your people pleasers, your victims, your martyrs. They will complain but not do anything. They generally feel helpless and feel used. They usually have problems with trust. They generally have low self-esteem, hence they draw their esteem from pleasing others. They are dishonest about their true feelings and let someone else have power over them. They are selfish in that they are worried about what others think and how things will affect them. And they are fearful in that they are afraid of other’s anger, their own anger, of not being liked, or of being rejected. It’s difficult to get to know these people because they are like chameleons, changing to fit the circumstances.

A third category is the passive-aggressive style. These are the people who “get back by getting even.” They won’t just tell you what is wrong but they let you know in subtle ways – by pouting, by brooding, by being avoidant, by shutting down. They may scheme to hurt you or punish you in ways such as withholding affection or gossiping. The ultimate passive aggressives include those who are anorexic or suicidal. Milder forms includes people who drag their feet, ignore others, or nag.

The last and the preferred way to be, being assertive, sets the proper boundaries around a person and gives one the best sense of self-worth. Assertive people are open and honest about what they are feeling at the moment. This is different from the aggressive person who is open and honest at another’s expense and different from the passive or passive-aggressive person who is actually dishonest. Assertive people can express their opinions, share feelings, ask for what they want, give and receive favors and compliments, can say no without feeling guilty, can admit mistakes. They generally take more risks and are more even keel. They understand that it is not possible to say and do the right thing all the time and have everyone like them. They are characteristically more genuine, authentic people.

I encourage you to try to move more toward the assertive style if you find yourself in another category most of the time. You may even want to consider getting the help of a counselor or therapist. Making some of these changes in communication styles can be quite difficult because they are so ingrained but I believe the results will yield more satisfying relationships.

Talking and Listening Together

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in October 2003:

As I mentioned in my article last month, one of the purposes of marriages and families is to provide safe, caring connections for members. This month I would like to discuss another important ingredient in healthy marriages and families – the ability to talk and listen to one another. We need good communication in order to have wholeness in our families. Unfortunately, good communication does not just happen by chance but instead requires our focus and energy.

However, merely talking to our spouses and children is not sufficient in and of itself, but the type of talking that we do matters. Many parents talk to their children the same way they were talked to growing up – with nagging, overcontrol, criticalness, put-downs, belittling, guilting, screaming, or even the silent treatment. This type of shame-based parenting uses words and actions that cause kids to think they are only loved and valued if they meet certain criteria set by their parents. The children do not perceive they are loved simply for themselves. An example statement would be, “What’s wrong with you?” Shame-based parenting has been the dominant style of parenting for ages. It has good short-term results but it simply does not pay off in the long run. It produces either distant or obligatory relationships when the children grow up. On the other hand, talking to our children by using words of affirmation and encouragement takes time and effort and reaps great rewards in mutually satisfying relationships. This same type of positive communication is necessary for good marriages also.

Statistics show, in fact, that it takes five positive statements to overcome one negative statement. With this 5:1 ratio, many parents and spouses find themselves with huge negative love deficits. There are several ways to pull out of this hole if we will slowly make determined efforts, including praising each other, apologizing when wrong, giving affectionate touches and hugs, speaking with a softer tone of voice, and spending time together engaging in fun activities – to name a few. And one especially important way to show love is by listening.

In fact, listening may be called the language of love. Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame” (NIV). Most of us only pay partial attention to the talker because we are rehearsing what we are going to say next. We may be forming judgments or preparing our defense. This is NOT active listening but reactive listening. True listening involves hearing what the other person has to say fully without yet passing judgment. A good way to slow ourselves down is to say back to the talker, “I heard you say ___________,” paraphrasing back what the talker has said. What a gift to give to others, especially family members – to be heard and understood. This is not the same as agreeing with the other person. That can come later, in a calm and collected manner. Active listening also involves the listener giving the talker focused attention, complete with eye contact. Often, husbands, your wife just wants you to listen to her and empathize with her rather than solve her problem. Just try it and see if it works!

In summary, a vital ingredient in family relationships is the ability to be accurately attuned to what the other is saying and to be reasonably responsive. I encourage you to do more talking and listening together.