Red Flags for Dating Relationships

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2006.

Recently I wrote an article profiling an abuser (see “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” – May 2006). It occurred to me that many might read that article and wonder how to avoid such relationships. Therefore, I decided to give you some red flags to alert you to these types of abusers. Unfortunately, many women often get deeply involved with these men and cannot see clearly what is happening. That is why it is good for family members and close friends to know these red flags and attempt to point these out to their relative or friend.

Dating violence is a serious danger. In fact, it is one of the major sources of violence in teen life, affecting as many as one in four teenage couples. Since the majority of dating violence victims are females, I will refer to them mainly, but do remember there are some young men who are victims of abusive girlfriends who use emotional and verbal abuse to control and intimidate. One red flag is that many who enter dating relationships interpret their partner’s possessiveness and violence as a sign of love. They have either seen violence or manipulation as a way of life at home, or they have not been taught about healthy relationships.

Dating violence is not just physical abuse, which might include hitting, pushing, shoving, kicking, slapping, holding you down, or treating you roughly. It also includes verbal and emotional abuse. Many girls are controlled by their boyfriends by having to carry cell phones so they can check in with them several times a day and night. So remember that a huge red flag is the abuser’s monopolizing your time and attention, preventing you from hanging out with friends and family. In a healthy relationship, there should be freedom to come and go as you please as well as having a variety of interests, activities, and other relationships.

Another red flag is if your boyfriend tells you how to dress or how much makeup to wear or how to do your hair. He may accuse you of cheating on him every time you look at or talk to another guy. He may pressure you into having sex. He may blame you for bringing out the worst in him and convince you it’s all your fault. He may make you feel you can’t do anything right and that no one else would want you.

An important red flag is if he has an explosive temper. Notice if he uses aggressive behavior in other areas of his life, such as punching holes in walls, slamming doors, breaking things, throwing stuff, or driving recklessly. Notice if he embarrasses or makes fun of you in front of your friends. Does he put down your accomplishments or goals? Does he use intimidation or threats to get his way? Does he change from a loving, caring person into a hateful, sarcastic jerk with little or no warning? Do you walk on eggshells because you never know what might set him off?

Lastly, one of the biggest red flags is if your boyfriend brings you flowers and acts romantic after each violent argument and promises to never hurt you again. Yet he does.

Some important questions to ask include: Is the relationship all about him? Does he always have to be right? In healthy relationships, both partners treat each other as independent human beings and respect each other’s feelings and opinions.

Many teenagers don’t tell their parents about an abusive relationship because they are confused about what constitutes abuse, they don’t want to lose their freedom, and they may fear they cannot get another boyfriend. But the wise parent will actively seek to strengthen communication between themselves and their teenagers and learn to watch for danger signs.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2006.

Why does Prince Charming sometimes turn into a terrifying beast even before the honeymoon is over? Some women report similar personality changes in their husbands in the first few months of marriage. Imagine the horror of discovering that your dream man is really Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – a nice, charming, caring man in public, but an angry, domineering abuser at home.

It can be difficult to profile an abuser. Many abusers are very charming, well-dressed, cultured people who act one way in public and another way in private. Often during the dating stage, they put their best foot forward. There are certainly some men who are victims of abusive women who use emotional and verbal abuse to control and intimidate. However, since the majority of abusers are men, I will refer to them as such in the remainder of the article, but do keep in mind the reverse is possible.

The woman who lives with an abuser is confused by the double messages he sends, and is often not believed by friends, relatives or pastors when she describes what really goes on at home. As she begins to doubt her own perceptions, she blames herself for the problems and even works harder to please the abuser in hopes of gaining his approval. However, this is a game that can never be won. Once she changes a certain behavior to please him, he will find something else to target. Since nothing she does pleases him, she begins to doubt her ability to function as a wife or mother. Usually, it is when she starts doubting her own sanity that she reaches out for help.

Some of the telltale signs of an abusive relationship include: 1) He uses his male privilege as being the head of the house to make all the rules and decisions, treating his wife as a servant or a child. He obsesses on her “duties” as a wife. 2) He believes that her opinions and feelings have no value and her needs are not important. 3) He is charming and well-liked in public but the family has to “walk on eggshells” to prevent making him angry. 4) He yells, belittles, threatens, or sulks when he does not get his way or when she does something to displease him. 5) She feels confused and off-balance when without warning he changes from being loving and kind to angry and cruel. 6) No matter how much she changes or tries to please him, he is never satisfied. She feels inadequate and guilty and believes it must be her fault. She begins to wonder if she is going crazy. 7) He is possessive and jealous, especially when she talks and associates with other men. Sometimes he acts jealous of the time she spends with the children. He may try to restrict her activities and make her a prisoner in her own home. 8) Because of his possessiveness, she may disassociate from family and friends in order to keep him happy. She needs these relationships, but it is more important for her to keep the peace. 9) When anything goes wrong, he always blames her. If she were more submissive, more sensitive to his needs, more like so-and-so’s wife, etc., then all their problems would be solved. He sees himself as a good husband for putting up with her. He is blind to his own faults and does not take responsibility for his own actions. 10) He controls the money, giving her a small allowance, preventing her from getting a job, or making her ask for money and demanding a full accounting of what was spent. This often leaves her trapped without the means to leave or get help. 11) He may use the children to convey messages or threaten to take them away or abuse them. 12) When he is displeased and does not get his way, he yells, hurls insults, breaks or throws objects, or is physically violent. He may threaten to hurt or kill or commit suicide.

If you are in a relationship with most of these characteristics present, seek help immediately from a pastor or therapist who understands the dynamics of abuse. Don’t be continually lured back into the abusive cycle by gifts and flowers and empty promises. You are not in a healthy relationship nor are you modeling one for your children.

The Worst Kind of Abuse

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in February 2004.

I talked last month about the damaging affects of all kinds of childhood neglect and abuse, including physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual. This month I would like to emphasize the seriousness of one of the most hideous of them all – childhood sexual abuse. Human beings are made in the image of God – male and female, and our sexuality is core to our being, even on the soul level. Therefore, when a child is sexually abused, there is usually lifelong damage to the soul.

There are many definitions of childhood sexual abuse, but at its essence, abuse occurs when a child is used as a sexual object by someone in authority or with power. It can encompass using sexual language, pornography, fondling, or any kind of sexual act performed to or in front of a child.

Children do not naturally know about being sexual, and developmentally children are not capable of understanding sex. Therefore, if a child is sexualized at an early age, there has been someone else to show them. Children do experiment innocently and occasionally will have a sexual encounter with another child, such as “playing doctor” or “I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.” These experiences are not to be blown out of proportion nor do they damage a child. But if a perpetrator misuses their authority or the relationship to gratify their own sexual desires, ensuing damage occurs. A perpetrator can be an adult or another child who is at least 4 years older.

There are some common myths about childhood sexual abuse. One is that it is rare. Some of the latest statistics show that approximately 1 in 4 females and 1 in 7 males have been sexually abused. Another myth is that if children are taught to avoid dangerous strangers, then they will not be abused. To the contrary, 85-90% of abusers are known to the children. Molesters appear normal in most ways. Often the abuser is a relative. It is a fact that incest crosses all social lines. Another myth is that if children consent, they must have liked it or even invited it. Absolutely not, the offender bears full responsibility for the abuse. Children are sensual, that is, they need loving touch and affection, but children are not sexual. Another myth is that children will forget about the abuse if adults don’t remind them. Kids may hide the hurt and even feel responsible for the abuse. They interpret the silence of the adult as blame or anger. Another myth is that children make up stories about sexual abuse. Sexual abuse involves shame and guilt and children rarely make up a story where they are “bad.” So please, adults, listen to children if they try to get a message across that hints of possible sexual abuse.

Children trapped in sexual abuse have a problem in that they need relationship but the very people that they are supposed to trust are not safe. There are a lot of ways that childhood sexual abuse can affect people later. Sexual abuse can fuel addictions of all kind as people seek to meet their own needs through substances or habits rather than relationships. The abused can become dutiful and mechanized, because passion scares them or got them into trouble in the first place. Abused people often numb or dissociate and do not have a wide range of emotion. The abused can become sexually active. The abused can shut down sexually, especially later in marriage. Or worse, the abused can become the abusers, perpetuating a cycle of abuse. However, the best efforts to deny the abuse usually pop up later in life, be it in the form of depression, anxiety, addictions, or relationship problems. I urge anyone who was sexually abused as a child to seek help. The pain needs to be faced in order to go on with a productive life. Since most people do not like or know how to discuss such sensitive issues, I generally encourage seeking out a professional counselor or therapist. The road to recovery is long and arduous, but it is definitely worth the journey.

Unfortunately, with so many sexual images all around us – on television, movies, billboards, magazines, and the internet – almost all of our children are being sexually abused. Even the most caring and concerned parent is virtually helpless to prevent the loss of childhood innocence. The resulting damage is potentially catastrophic to our society. For that reason, I think we desperately need some kind of moral outcry or spiritual revival.

The Legacy of Neglect and Abuse

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2004.

In my article last month I left you with what I consider a good definition of love: to have a profound concern for the welfare of another without any desire to control that other or to expect something in return. To restate it in the negative – it is not a selfish manipulation of someone else to meet your own needs or to fulfill your own desires and expectations. This type of manipulative love is what I would call a pseudo-love – it appears to be love and even masquerades as love but is not a true God-like unconditional love.

What then is the opposite of love? Why abuse, of course – you might say. And it is true that so many children today grow up in abusive homes. The paths of their lives are almost doomed to the fate of probable addictions, wrecked homes, or even criminal behavior. What many people do not know, however, is that their children can equally suffer from neglect. The harsh reality is that neglect can do as much damage as abuse, but it leaves a vacuum much harder to grieve or to qualify. Many adults are walking around today with nebulous undefined hurt in their hearts and do not know that the source is their own neglect from childhood. Both abuse and neglect fuel addictions.

There are obvious differences in abuse and neglect, which I will point out. But I also want to show their similarities in order to warn well-meaning parents of their possible ignorance in causing inadvertent neglect to their children.

The basic difference in abuse and neglect is the following: abuse allows bad things into children’s lives that parents are responsible for keeping out, whereas neglect fails to allow good things in that children need and parents are responsible for providing. But there are four similar ways in which children can be damaged by both abuse and neglect, which include the following:

1) Physically – To prevent abuse, it is the parents’ responsibility to protect the children from those on the outside who would harm them. But in order not to neglect children, parents need to touch their children and be physically present with them. They need to allow them to participate in activities that build relationships and healthy connections to their outside world.

2) Emotionally - To prevent abuse, parents need to protect children from those who would damage them emotionally, such as alcoholic parents, bullies or other verbally abusive people. But in order not to neglect their children, parents need to praise them and speak words of encouragement. They need to validate their children’s emotions.

3) Sexually - To prevent abuse, parents need to keep their children from any non-appropriate touching, fondling, exposure or ridicule. But to prevent neglect, parents are the ones who should provide age appropriate information to their children about their sexuality. They should model and send affirming messages to them about their maleness or femaleness. They should set appropriate dating boundaries when the time comes.

4) Spiritually – To prevent abuse, parents should not send negative messages only of harsh rules or of hellfire and brimstone. The worst possible abuse occurs when a spiritual leader, such as a pastor or youth director, sexually abuses a child, for the child is damaged both spiritually and sexually. But something that is becoming more prevalent and is a huge area of neglect is parents’ failure to pass on a faith heritage to their children. Parents, if you do not currently attend church or think it is important, consider involving your family for your children’s sake. Otherwise, they may flounder through life not knowing their meaning or purpose.

To recap, abuse and neglect are flip sides of the same coin. Both can cause great damage that will usually leave a legacy of pain and addictive behavior. To be a good parent, you not only need to keep the bad out but you must also add the good in.