Grieving Our Losses

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2004.

In last month’s article I talked about the various kinds of losses we experience, from small ones to large ones, with the death of a loved one perhaps being the greatest of all. I stressed how each loss needs to be grieved or else the pain, though buried, remains constant. It takes so much energy to suppress pain and manage our feelings, but when we allow ourselves to share our grief with God and others, we release our pain, fears and heartache. As this occurs, our pain begins to subside and healing has begun. In this month’s article I want to discuss how to go about this grieving process.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her seminal book On Death and Dying outlined a 5-stage process of reactions. Others have described a similar process. My favorite book is Good Grief by Granger Westberg in which he describes a 10-step process. The steps common to most of these descriptions include shock and denial, anger, depression, loneliness, guilt, and finally acceptance and a return to joy. Conceptualizing these as stages is somewhat misleading since the reactions can occur in varying order and may overlap and recur at any time.

As we examine the grieving process, I will apply it to a death situation but remember that the process needs to be applied in a scaled down way to all types of loss. The intensity of grief depends on a combination of these variables, including how attached one is to the person, the way the loss came about, and whether it was sudden, premature, or violent.

In the shock and denial phase there is a numbness that allows us to lessen the impact of the initial loss because experiencing it all at once could be overwhelming. But to stay in denial by going on too quickly with our lives or by covering up the pain with addictions is not a good long term strategy. In order to begin to heal, we must come to accept grief as normal and unavoidable. A common myth that must be dispelled is that grieving is a sign of weakness or a lack of faith. Another common myth is that time, in and of itself, will bring healing. The emotions we feel inside need to be expressed. There are lots of ways to do this – by talking to close friends and family members, by writing in a journal, by praying to God – just to name a few. Thinking about our feelings and remaining silent are not the same as expressing them. By holding them in they only continue to churn and fester inside, only to come out someday, some how. Tears too are a wonderful release valve for emotional pain.

Though grieving is unavoidable, healing in and through grief is a choice. At some point we arrive at a partial understanding of grief – to grapple with the loss and adapt to it. Changes must be made so we can live with our loss in a healthy way. We can change from asking “Why did this happen to me?” to “What can I learn, how can I grow, how can God be glorified?” Some days will continue to be more difficult than others, with tears, fears, anger and confusion, but these feelings can continue to be released.

Grieving is a two-way process – the loss of a loved one and the recovery of our spirit. We want to return to the life we knew before the loss but we must live a new “normal.” Instead of locking ourselves away, we come to a place of surrender. We decide to re-organize our lives. We can develop a new identity without forgetting our loved one.

There is no prescribed timetable for recovery. For most people following a death it takes 2 -3 years to recover, and for some a lifetime. The peaks and valleys that are initially intense start to level out but not disappear. Be kind to yourself and diligent about your health. Grieving takes a lot of energy and your body needs more rest.

In closing, I challenge you with this question: “What is the loss in your life that you’ve never fully grieved?”

Not Cutting Our Losses

Note: This Article was first published in Life in the Delta in August 2004.

It is a prevalent belief in our culture that when we think we are losing we try to cut our losses and run, thereby minimizing them. This can be true of the stock market as well as our relationships. However, I want you to consider a different perspective – that our losses are of great importance and must be grieved, not dismissed nor denied. According to Norm Wright, a leading Christian counselor and expert on the subject of grief and loss, “We have to confront each loss whenever it occurs, because if you don’t and you bury it, you bury it alive – and someday there will be a resurrection.

It is important that we expand our understanding of loss. The death of a loved one, of course, is the quintessential loss. Death is truly our greatest enemy, as the Bible says, and the emotions it awakes are among the most powerful and overwhelming of all human experiences. But Wright lists the following as examples of the many other losses we experience regularly:

1) material loss – from a dropped vase to monetary loss

2) abstract loss – lost love or hope or ambition or control

3) imagined loss – we think a person no longer loves us or wants us around

4) relationship loss – the end of an opportunity to relate, such as divorce

5) moving – to a new house or community

6) end of friendship

7) intra psychic loss – lost image of oneself or death of a dream

8) functional loss – loss of ability to drive, of sight or hearing, of memory, etc.

9) systemic loss – a significant person leaves your workplace or group

10) child leaves home – family will not be the same

11) threatened loss – there is a likelihood of loss but nothing you can do about it, e.g., waiting on a biopsy report

12) disenfranchised loss – loss that cannot be publically acknowledged or socially supported, such as a secret lover, a co-habitation partner, a neighbor, a broken engagement, an abortion, a miscarriage, the loss of a pet

13) ambiguous loss – people cannot adjust but freeze, in such cases as deployment, MIA’s, kidnaped children, a coma, Alzheimer’s disease

This list can include many more things. One that readily comes to mind for me is transitional phases in our lives, such as leaving college or retiring from work, thus losing a lifestyle and group of friends. The important thing is to recognize these various things as real losses. The next step is grieving the losses. There is no way around the grieving process and no speeding it up. Some people try to stay in denial, either by returning to a normal routine and intellectualizing the loss, or by covering it up with drugs, alcohol, or various addictions.

A long-term study indicated that the death rate of widows and widowers is 2-17 times higher the first year following the death of a spouse. Another study discovered that about 25% of those who mourn experience a dramatic decrease in the body’s immune system 6-9 months after their loss. This is one reason why grieving people are more susceptible to illness. Denial may be a good short-term strategy that helps ease our grief, but as a long-term strategy, it is not beneficial. Recovery occurs when we face our losses and give ourselves permission to grieve. (See next month’s follow-up article – “Grieving Our Losses.”)