How Well Are You Connected?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2008.

The title may sound like a wireless internet ad, but I want to apply the idea to relationships. Last year in my articles I spent a lot of time discussing “attachment theory” as it applies to parenting. An attachment bond was explained to be an emotional connection between a child and a parent which provides comfort and security and from which a child then is able to develop a healthy sense of self in the world. However, this inborn need for attachment continues to follow us into our adult lives, usually transitioning from the parent-child relationship to the marital relationship. Emotional dependency is an innate part of being human rather than a childhood trait we outgrow as we mature.

Adults generally need an irreplaceable other who continues to provide comfort, care and support. This explains why a grown person who is otherwise successful, competent and independent in their working world can become upset, clinging and despairing when they fail to evoke responsiveness from their attachment figure.

Attachment relationships do not have to be marital but can also be close relationships with other family members or friends. However, all marital relationships should be attachment relationships. Certain criteria distinguish an attachment relationship from a casual friendship, which include the following: the proximity or closeness to this caregiver is sought, especially in times of trouble; this person provides a felt sense of security; any threat or separation from this person induces fear and anxiety; and the loss of this person induces grief and sorrow.

Attachment injuries can become the downfall of many a marriage. An attachment injury is a specific type of betrayal experienced in couple relationships, characterized as an abandonment or a violation of trust. It is not a general trust issue but instead concerns a specific incident in which one partner is inaccessible and unresponsive in the face of the other partner’s urgent need for the kind of support and caring expected of attachment figures. Some injuries may appear trivial to an outsider, or they may be more obvious betrayals of trust, such as infidelity. Some may occur at times of physical illness (for example, after a cancer diagnosis) or during times of loss (such as a miscarriage or the death of a child). When a person is most vulnerable and cries out for help or understanding and there is no response, the basic assumption of the whole relationship – “that my partner will be there for me” – is undermined. The couple are then caught in a drama in which the injured spouse sets tests and the offending spouse is usually found wanting. It appears that these kinds of wounds cannot be left behind, according to therapist Susan Johnson, originator of emotionally focused couples therapy. If such events cannot be resolved, trust remains tentative and relationship distress increases.

There are several attachment styles we can have, depending on the one we brought from childhood. Some people may have an anxious style and be too clingy, always desperately trying to get the attention of an attachment figure. This may explain why some people are not willing to leave an abusive relationship, for fear they will have no relationship at all. Another style is the avoidant style – people who put up walls and become detached from close relationships. They may look to possessions, work, or success to satisfy but almost always fall prey to addictions to fill their deep felt attachment needs. Then there is the preferred style – the secure style, in which people strike a healthy balance between being needy and not needing anyone. Secure people can easily transition to God as the ultimate attachment figure – the one to whom they primarily turn as the source of their comfort and security. But they still need people and should desire to seek out close connections with others. The vertical attachment demands that we have horizontal or earthly attachments to other people. Our bond with God can then strengthen and enhance our attachments to spouses, family members, and other trusted attachment figures. To quote Gary Smalley, “Life is relationships; the rest is just details. God made you for relationship.”

So it’s not optional whether we have attachment figures. The real choice is whether we will work to make those relationships great or allow them to cause ourselves and others pain. How well connected are you?

Loving Your Adolescent

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2008.

If all goes well and you the parent have met your child’s emotional needs at each level of development, the period of adolescence should be largely trouble free. I know this goes contrary to popular opinion which views adolescence as a time for teenagers to break away from their parents and become independent. But children who have acquired a stable inner happiness that comes from a secure attachment bond with their parents will not experience an adolescence that is troubled, turbulent, and characterized by protracted conflict with their parents.

Instead the time period for ages 12-18 is still a prolonged developmental state. Teens are not ready to stand alone. In fact, a national longitudinal study completed in 1997 reported that connectedness with their parents tops the list of protective factors for the well being of teens. Those teens who stayed in regular touch with their parents and felt valued by them were less likely to smoke, drink alcohol, experiment with drugs or engage in early sex.

What should be true, though, is that teens should be making almost all of their daily decisions. This is the kind of independence that they do need. Parents who are still micro managing their teen’s everyday decisions should rethink this. You do not want your teenager to arrive at these challenging and life-threatening years with no clue how to make a decision. A good rule of thumb is to try not to impose too many rules, except for important health and safety issues and things important to the family, such as being home by a certain time, not drinking or getting in a car with someone who is drinking, not using drugs, or going to church with the family. As with small children, giving a wide latitude of choices in many areas helps teens accept a few non-negotiables.

A lot of problems teenagers have arise from the re-surfacing of the “all powerful self” – a flashback from toddlerhood. This makes adolescence a vulnerable time. Teens may take unnecessary risks, thinking they are invincible. They may overestimate their knowledge (i.e., they “know everything”), which is disconcerting and may lead to arguments with parents who want to set them straight. But it is better to respond with relaxed affection as you did with the toddler who bragged he was bigger or stronger than you. During this stage teens can be unfocused and forgetful. Try to help them succeed rather than be rigid about their shortcomings. Remember that they will ultimately model your behavior if your relationship with them is a strong secure one.

Signs of inner unhappiness at this age are many and varied but are largely self-destructive. Some examples include dangerous risk taking, substance abuse, eating disorders, failure at school, aggression, cutting, depression, mood changes, repeatedly choosing undesirable friends, or isolation from or hostility toward parents. Many people advocate “tough love” for teens who are exhibiting these behaviors. Occasionally this may work but statistically it does not. It usually only further alienates the teen from his or her parents. A better way to go for parents who have lost control is to let go of some of the rules and to work on strengthening the relationship. It really is never too late.

For those parents who have worked hard and have given their children the right kind of balanced love and discipline, they should find their teenagers developing into young adults who are responsible and who make good choices. They are also flexible and adaptable and largely unaffected by the up’s and down’s of life. Even if they experience failures or disappointments, these will be temporary as they still have your approval and love, which should be satisfying. After two decades of parenting, ideally there will be times when teens can take care of themselves and you can look forward to the satisfaction of having a warm, loyal, enjoyable and appealing friend.

Ages Six to Twelve: Loving Your Older Child

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in October 2007.

In the years from six to twelve, your child should be deriving his happiness from engaging in everyday activities – school, friendships and extracurricular activities such as sports, music or other art forms. Your job as the parent is to be available to facilitate your child’s activities and to provide a support system for him, especially when he experiences frustration. As is true in all phases of your child’s life, but even more so now, you want to offer this age group as many opportunities as possible to exercise choice while you keep in mind their guidance and protection. The reason for allowing them to make choices is to foster their thinking and decision making ability!

Children whose developmental needs have been met will see their elementary school years as a positive and exciting challenge. A happy child enjoys using his own mind. He is naturally curious and is a resilient self-starter who is not deterred by setbacks. An unhappy child, on the other hand, often becomes anxious when faced with a learning task and has a lot of self-doubt. As for homework in this age group, the most effective help a parent can give is in establishing a daily work time, either before or after dinner. Your aim is to help him learn to organize and complete his homework rather than to make sure a certain assignment gets done. If a child asks for help, feel free to offer it. But if you begin a pattern of doing his homework with him, you foster dependency and take away his thinking ability.

Your child must go to school and comply with its rules and requirements, but some areas where she can exercise choice include her appearance (excluding school uniforms), her extracurricular activities, and her free time. Allow children the right to decide if an activity is no longer fun or rewarding. Understandably, parents who have spent countless hours chauffeuring their child and lots of money on equipment and lessons may feel personally disappointed by their child’s decision. It is all right, though, for parents to point out the benefits of continuing a skill she has worked hard to develop, but if she still insists on abandoning it, allow her the freedom to do so. As her parent, you can help her discover her unique gifts and talents and find suitable ways to develop those. Also, like adults, children need to have some part of their daily lives that is just for fun. So allow your child this free time and let her choose how she spends it. It is important not to have her life so structured that she cannot relax and reflect on things.

Parents are sometimes advised to approach children in this age group as though each rule, regulation, or request presents a crucial test of the parents’ authority and the child’s virtue. The truth is that children whose developmental needs are met will gradually find that they feel happier when they follow rules and honor requests. A good rule of thumb is not to demand instant and rigid compliance for every rule – that is, except for ones related to health or safety. A better approach is relaxed affection and a focus on accomplishments.

The experience of having friends is of major importance to children between the ages of six and twelve. If your child’s needs have been met, he will ride out the bumps of peer relationships. Although he may feel hurt and disappointed if he is excluded or teased by his friends, he will not be devastated because he will be able to turn to other friends or to you for assistance.

The signs for inner unhappiness to watch for in this age group are broad. They include ignoring rules, skipping homework, choosing friends who make them miserable, or provoking anyone who tries to help. Some more extreme signs include vandalizing property, stealing, or using drugs. Some involuntary signs might be stomach aches and head aches. If you find your children behaving in some of these ways, remember that they still need your understanding and support. You will be more effective at helping the unhappy older child if you avoid anger or disapproval or harsh punishments and instead focus on staying calm and empathetic but keeping the limits and giving choices.

Ages Three to Six: Loving Your Young Child

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2007.

If you as a parent have made it past the hard work of infancy and toddler hood and have established a good attachment bond with your child, you should now be entering an easier stage in your child’s development. Your child should now be ready to turn from needing your focused attention to deriving pleasure from everyday activities. Although you remain indispensable, you are no longer the focus of your young child’s most intensely felt needs. Instead you can be available and be the facilitator of his or her activities.

One of the biggest events for this age group is starting school. Your child is ready for pre-school when he is comfortable separating from you for short periods of time. When your child starts school is much less important than how he feels when he is there. The goal is not to teach your child specific facts but to teach him to like school and to feel happy and competent there. Many parents today are so focused on their child’s cognitive abilities and educational achievement that it almost supercedes other childhood needs. However, brain studies have shown that it is the secure attachment bond and the parents’ efforts to soothe and regulate their child’s emotions that better promote learning. Also, having plenty of time for unstructured free play is also important for a child’s intellectual and emotional development as opposed to organized sports and classes.

Almost all children ages three to six sometimes bend the truth a little now and then. When this occurs, many parents fear their child is not being moral and they react with disapproval, lectures or punishment. Children usually distort reality in an effort to feel in control of themselves and the world or to ward off any unwanted turn of events. If you realize that making up stories is a developmental stage that will be outgrown, then you will not feel the need to react with disapproval. Instead you can relax and help the child understand his reasoning. For example, if the child says she only took two pieces of candy but you see five candy wrappers, you might say something to the effect “It must be hard to stop at two pieces when the candy is so yummy.”

Since most pre-schoolers adore their parents, they generally love to help out. Therefore, if you want your pre-schooler to begin to do chores, make the work fun and do it along with her. Your goal should be to teach your child that helping out can be fun and rewarding, not to get her to do a particular chore.

When a child of this age feels frustrated, his reactions can be very explosive. Although these outbursts can be intense, they are fleeting and can easily be distinguished from the blind, sustained fury that characterizes temper tantrums. When your child loses patience, it is crucial for you to respond with warmth and loving regulation. The result will be that having what he wants will seem less important. Also, giving your young child lots of choices gives him the feeling he does have some control over his life – and it promotes thinking. Generally, a child cannot protest and think at the same time.

A good guide to determine if your child is on track for age appropriate behavior is to watch for symptoms of inner unhappiness. For this age group the main ones are temper tantrums, eating problems (either eating too little or too much), nightmares, or significant phobias as well as some involuntary symptoms such as bed wetting, stuttering, nervous tics, or excessive shyness. Any of these might signal that an earlier developmental need has not been met. Unfortunately, the most popular remedy is to focus on correcting the unwanted behavior rather than address the underlying cause. The parent instead should see these signs as a signal to change their parenting style to one that more balances love and limits. Also, the parent needs to examine their attachment bond with their child. At any age the way to repair this is to stay calm, “tune in” to your child’s feelings, and offer empathy but keep the limit and give choices. The good news – it is never too late to change!

Which Is It: Terrific or Terrible Twos? (Part 2)

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2007.

In addition to giving toddlers intense focused attention during ages 1 to 3 years, parents should begin to establish good boundaries for their children during this stage. What most parents do not know is that it is the child’s job to protest the boundaries! And it is the parents’ job to withstand the protests! Children need to be able to protest – what they don’t like and what they’re against. Being able to protest helps children define themselves. Children thus test your resolve to see if the boundary will hold and then learn about reality. Being unable to say “no” breeds compliant children who are taken advantage of in life. A child usually becomes compliant out of fear. Beware of the “perfect” child who is overly compliant and quiet. If children are loved enough to feel safe with their feelings, they protest with tears, anger, and acting out. With their parents’ love and limits, they then develop their own proactive boundaries and stop reacting eventually because they find they no longer have need for these outbursts, as they don’t feel helpless or controlled.

One sign of unhappiness to watch for in this age group is temper tantrums. While all children this age get cranky and willful and cry when angry for a short time (remember – that is their job), not all will fling themselves to the floor, howling and shrieking, holding their breath, breaking things, or hurting others. Children who are sure that their parents understand them will find the isolated fury of temper tantrums unappealing. Tantrums should be conceptualized as acts of desperation. Try to soothe and set the limit but give a constructive alternative to the wish that brought on the tantrum. More importantly, rethink their daily experience and the possible roots of their inner unhappiness and begin to be more involved in their day-to-day lives.

Some common battles at this age include eating, getting a child to follow a safety rule such as wearing a seat belt, getting a child to leave an activity s/he enjoys, bedtime, and toilet training. It is helpful for parents to know that they cannot control a child’s bladder, bowel, eating and sleeping. What parents can do is stay calm, validate their feelings, hold the limit and give some choices. For example, say “I know you’re upset and don’t want to leave the park – I don’t like to leave places when I’m having fun either – but we have to leave in 10 minutes (it is good to warn them ahead of time). When you get home, would you like to play a game or read a book?” If they cry in protest, stay calm and gently but firmly remove them.

Since toddlers want you – and want what they want – neither is conducive to civilized social relating. Therefore, there is no inherent value in arranging play dates for children under 3. If parents are socializing with other parents, let children share space but not be expected to share toys. To prevent problems, provide multiples of favorite toys or put away a favorite toy in advance. If not forced to share prematurely, a child who is older will begin to realize s/he will have more friends by sharing. And s/he will see you model sharing and being generous and follow your example. Also, you may want to avoid taking your toddler to places with tempting things that can’t be touched if you don’t want to struggle with them. Save that for later years. Remember that toddler hood is a temporary phase and toddlers are not just little adults.The needs of a toddler center around giving cues and signals to their parents and receiving reasonable, caring responses in return. If this process takes place, a secure attachment bond gets established between the parents and the child which will give the child an inner strength and happiness for the rest of their life. Then the child will then begin to turn their attention to outside activities and parenting will become easier. If the parent does not put in the hard work in these early years, both the child and the parent will pay a big price – the child in their self-esteem and the parent in the child’s negative behavior or unhappiness in subsequent years. So which is it – terrific or terrible two’s?

Which Is It: Terrific or Terrible Twos? (Part 1)

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2007.

As you leave behind the joys of your baby’s first year as an infant and approach toddler hood, did you know that ages 1-3 can be a time of great joy instead of the great terror to which many parents testify? A child this age will begin to make lightning progress in learning to negotiate the world by walking and talking. If you are aware of some important developmental needs of your child at this age, I believe you can instill in your child an inner happiness that is unshakable that can sustain him or her throughout life.

First, it is important to know that your child continues to need your focused attention during this time period, just as during their first year. After this time, he or she will begin to turn their focus to the outside world and need less of your attention, that is, once they are confident of their parent’s loving response. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics recently released a report that emphasized that the basic engagement between parent and child is what gives children the security they need to explore the world as well as improve their brain development, rather than signing up for an activity or buying a certain product. They suggested active interaction between parents and children, using reading, singing, talking, cuddling, and playing, and the use of toys such as blocks, basic dolls, art supplies and books that foster imagination.

Secondly, an important developmental thing to know about your toddler is his or her belief in their all-powerful self. He believes he can do or have anything. For example, your toddler may say he can fly, carry a heavy suitcase, or play basketball like the pros. It is best just to humor him, knowing he will outgrow this stage later. This belief in their all-powerful self is the root of their self-confidence later. (By the way, this stage repeats itself in the teen years. If you negotiate this stage well in toddler hood, it will be easier in the teen years.)

Thirdly, a toddler’s predominant words are “I want” and “no.” These express their belief in their power to control their environment. Since you cannot give in to their every demand, it is best to be understanding and diplomatic. Don’t lecture or yell. Yelling will make your child afraid of you. Don’t send him or her away for repeated time outs as this makes the child think she is unlovable or bad. Don’t routinely use rewards, because if they cease, the behavior may backfire. Instead try to set limits and stay connected. Try to remain calm and show you can tolerate their protests. Try to empathize or validate what they are feeling. Do give choices – these restore some sense of control to them and also foster their decision-making ability. For example, a common problem is bedtime. A child’s resistance to bedtime is understandable and appropriate for her age. She wants to be with you. Her demands for water are actually creative. Tell her, briefly but empathetically, she has had enough water and it is time for sleeping. Tell her she can have water when she wakes up. If she continues to protest, return periodically to soothe her but keep the limit.Hopefully, you can see that your job is to regulate your toddler’s life, not dictate it by harsh rules and punishment, nor give in permissively to what is easiest at the moment, for example, to let the child stay up too late. And if you treat him or her with focused attention and loving understanding and give some choices, your toddler will come to accept some non-negotiable limits and learn important lessons about reality. Parenting is front end loaded – if you are willing to work hard in the early years, your job will become easier as time goes on. So which is it: terrific or terrible two’s?

A Child's First Year

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2007.

The process of forming secure attachments between a child and his or her parents begins the first year of life. If there is an attentive loving responsiveness of caregivers in the first few years of life, children become securely attached and develop a healthy sense of self in the world. Since this process is so important, I am going to give some tips on how to go about establishing this secure attachment.

Attachment is like dancing partners who develop dance moves based on cues and signals. Babies and caregivers develop their attachment in this same way – by cues and signals. When parents are sensitive to the baby’s cues for help and when they respond in a reasonably responsive and caring way, the baby is likely to decide life is safe and good. Babies cry for several reasons: because they are hungry, wet, tired, in pain, or overstimulated. Guideline: always try to comfort a crying baby. Babies cry only from discomfort and not with the intent to anger or manipulate their parents. Parents who are not aware of the importance of responding gently and positively to their infant’s discomfort may inadvertently teach them to cry harder and more intensely. Eventually they may stop crying because they have abandoned hope that help will come.

Some parents of newborns are pleased to be needed and helpful. But others feel trapped and burdened. The latter may be home all the time, but they are emotionally unavailable. If this is the case, it is a sign that the parent needs help for his or her own emotional problems. On the other hand, the parent does not need to be overly attentive and not accomplish household chores or spend time with their spouse. The key word is “reasonably” – to be reasonably responsive. A good way to explain it is that parents are “on call” for their babies without devoting their entire lives to them. It’s really more of the attitude of the parent that the child picks up on.

The reality is that children thrive better if they have at least one parent available for them the majority of the time until age 3. Quality time (vs. quantity), despite its popularity, does not result in the highest possible quality of life for young children. Children will not be harmed if both parents work full-time, but they will benefit enormously if they do have one parent available to them most of the day. If both parents do have to work, there are some things they can do to minimize this time away, such as try to stagger hours, have in-home care with the same caring person, and if they use daycare try to find a setting with low staff turnover and a high ratio of staff to children. Also, they can make the time they do have with their infant a positive experience and take seriously any changes in their child’s mood or behavior.

Some signs that an infant has inner unhappiness are: (1) not smiling – smiling is the hallmark of the 3-9 month old, and (2) inability to go to sleep and stay asleep. When an infant cries, try to comfort him or her and keep returning until they learn their cries will be responded to. If your infant is not smiling regularly or has difficulty sleeping, rethink their daily experience.

The first year is a time for a baby to learn to explore. Try to baby proof the house so the baby can safely do so. Gently redirect the baby when s/he is going after something s/he can’t have. This protects the baby’s confidence and curiosity.To sum up, the first year is not a time to discipline or set rigid schedules. It is a time to be available and responsive and to foster secure attachment. There is the mistaken belief by some that parenting can be slipped into an already busy life of work, hobbies, and a social agenda. However, if parents will sacrifice for the first 3-5 years, as the child grows older, they will have more time to meet personal needs and the children will be well-launched on their journey toward a happy and meaningful life.

Secure Attachments

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2007.

One of the best kept secrets, I believe, in the field of psycho-therapy, is “attachment theory.” Almost every conference I attend or professional magazine I receive talks about its importance. Yet few people in the general public are familiar with the term. I think if people understood it, they might understand much of their own behavior in their close relationships. So just what is “attachment theory”?

The theory had its early roots over half a century ago when Rene Spitz noted that babies who were well fed, clothed, and kept warm in an orphanage, but given no emotional attention, holding, or affection, had a syndrome he called “hospitalization.” The babies’ mental development slowed or stopped, and their appetite and weight gain decreased until they eventually lost any interest in interacting and often they died. Later the work of John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, and others described and verified by research the attachment process – that infants come into the world helpless and completely dependent on their parents. An “attachment figure” (usually one or both parents) thus needs to provide comfort and security from which the child will develop a secure attachment to them and a subsequent healthy sense of self in the world. Positive attachment creates a secure base from which children learn to explore their world and a safe haven to which they can retreat from the stress of the outside world. If there is an attentive, loving responsiveness of caregivers in the first few years of life, they become securely attached and develop a sense of basic trust. Without a secure attachment, they can become either anxious or avoidant. Anxious children are constantly seeking the safety of their attachment figures. Eventually if they cannot get the attention they need from their attachment figure, then they give up and stop seeking relationship altogether. People then carry these relationship styles with them into all future relationships.

A positive goal in life would be to transition to God as the ultimate attachment figure. This can come about naturally if people have experienced healthy attachments. However, if people have attachment wounds, these can follow them through life and affect their abilities to have satisfactory relationships and maybe even be passed on to their children. Or insecure people can eventually grapple with their attachment wounds and seek help and receive healing.

The good news is that attachment wounds can be healed. As stated previously, children come into the world needy and dependent on their parents. If their parents have their own problems and cannot adequately be tuned in and responsive to the child’s emotional needs as a result, then the child has to conclude “something must be wrong with me.” To think otherwise is life threatening – i.e., a child cannot just leave and find a new family. But in actuality, something is wrong with the parent, not the child. Healing can usually come after realizing and correcting these distorted beliefs and agreeing and accepting that each of us has innate value and worth on our own. Then we no longer have to struggle with insecurity. We can go out into the world and enjoy being the person we were created to be. We can enjoy close relationships without either being dependent on another person for our security or giving up totally and avoiding close relationships.

Because of the importance of secure attachments for setting children on the right emotional path for life, parenting can be a daunting task. Therefore, I plan to focus my articles throughout the coming year on how to help give children these secure attachments at each stage of their development, beginning with infants and extending to the teenage years.