Predictors of Marital Satisfaction

For many years it has been thought that the ability to resolve conflict is the best predictor of marital satisfaction, based on the work of John Gottman. Some people are so afraid of conflict that they avoid it at all costs. However, Gottman showed that if conflict is handled properly, it can actually increase intimacy. That is, having a “fair fight” is preferred to keeping the peace at all costs.

While conflict resolution is essential to marital satisfaction and the maturing of the relationship, more recent research has shown the best predictors to be the following: the wife’s ability to be soothing and have a “softened start-up” when approaching her husband and, correspondingly, the husband’s being able to tolerate and respond to his wife’s negative emotion (“The Revolution in Couple Therapy: A Practitioner-Scientist Perspective,” Susan M. Johnson, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, July 2003).

It seems the age-old biblical principles still apply. Don’t you love it when science affirms what the Bible has said all along? As described in the passages on marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33 and 1 Peter 3:1-7, some translations say, “Wives, see that you respect your husbands.” That is, do not nag, “jump on them,” or attempt to control them. And also Scripture says, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.” That is, listen to them; do not withdraw from them or simplistically try to fix their problems but instead affirm their negative emotions.

One reason these precepts may work is that there is an inherent need in men to be respected, often overriding their need at times to be loved. Many men struggle with inadequacy, which may explain this strong desire for respect. Women, on the other hand, while they too need respect, more often desire to be loved. This may be due to their inborn capacity to be the bearers of relationship in a marriage and family. So while both men and women need respect and love, the order is usually reversed in them.

It has been my experience as a marriage therapist that the crux of most marital issues comes down to these two key points – the need of a wife to respect and support her husband and the need of the husband to emotionally engage with his wife.

In conclusion, men and women in marriage do well to follow the biblical directives for mutual love and respect while paying specific attention to the more specific gender needs of their spouse. “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:33, ESV

Did I Marry the Wrong Person?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2009.

I often have clients who say, “I think I married the wrong person” – perhaps contending they were too young or too naive at the time. My answer usually is that they probably did not, the reason being that people usually marry to their same emotional levels. The only exceptions are cases where people perhaps meet and marry in a few days and really do not know each other. But if you knew your spouse for a reasonable length of time, then you did not marry the wrong person.

Now I will say that relationships can get difficult and a time may come when you can no longer stay in the relationship, perhaps due to physical or emotional abuse. But a key question to ask yourself before that point is, “How am I contributing to the demise of my relationship?” So often when you are in a troubled marriage, you just want the other person to change, assuming things would then be fine, when in fact you are the one who should consider changing. And the truth is: you are the only one you have control over changing anyway.

My friend and colleague Dr. Richard Schwartz says that our spouses can be termed our “tor-mentors.” That is, if we will allow them, our difficult spouses can become our “mentors” by tormenting us, thereby leading us deeper inside to the root of our relationship problems. To quote Schwartz, “Generally, what your partner provokes in you is what you need to heal.” It is very difficult to find these hurt places when you’re not in an intimate relationship. When these hurt parts are stepped on, you may lash out in anger or distance in withdrawal. Then the work cut out for you is to explore the origin of the hurts so you may get help and healing for them. Amazingly in many cases after doing so, your spouse then doesn’t seem so mean or you can stay calm in the midst of the fiery darts that he or she launchs without retaliating.

I’m not saying that exploring your deep hurts is easy. Due to normal protective defense mechanisms, these wounds are not readily available to your awareness. That is why professional help is sometimes required. But I will say that something that triggers you to have a strong reaction usually has a deep root. You’ve been hurt that same way before – often, many times before. As another colleague Mona Barbera says, “If it’s intense, it’s your own.”

The title of Schwartz’s book on marriage sums it up: You Are the One You Have Been Waiting For. There is no magical person out there who is going to make you feel good about yourself – only you can do that. This is why I strongly recommend to people who contemplate divorce to work on yourself, with or without your partner, in order to understand what your strong reactions are about. You can then learn how to change these unpleasant outbursts or icy withdrawals into places of healing. Without change, you are doomed to repeat these same mistakes in new relationships or are doomed to a life of loneliness. By instead becoming emotionally healthy, you will then no longer allow someone to disrespect or mistreat you.

A further stage of growth occurs when you can disclose these hurt parts of yourself to your partner. You do this by speaking for the hurt part rather than from the hurt part. You will then begin to create true intimacy in your marriage. When couples learn to bond this way, according to Schwartz, “they can become soulmates – not the kind of romantic fantasy but, instead, mates on the journey of the soul to discover how to give and receive love.” And actually, you can use any difficulties in life that produce extreme reactions – not just those in marriage – as a path to parts that need to heal.

How to Fight Fair

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2008.

The well-known saying that everything is fair in love and war may be widely accepted, but I beg to disagree. And contrary to what many married couples think – that avoiding conflict is the most peaceful thing to do to promote harmony – just the opposite is true: conflict actually promotes intimacy! It is all right to have a fight, but not just any approach will do, and some approaches may cause lasting harm to a relationship. Knowing how to fight fair is critical to your survival as a happy couple.

So what do most couples fight about? When it comes to the big list, research shows that money is the number one issue regardless of income. Couples are constantly faced with financial decisions and many have conflicting spending and saving styles, usually based on how their families of origin handled money. Other big topic issues include sex, in-laws, children, and chores. But not all conflicts revolve around big issues – many erupt over relatively minor issues. Often couples simply bicker about things that do not seem to matter. These are signs that you are not getting to the real issues.

Successful couples have learned to resolve conflict without leaving battle scars. First of all, they don’t run from strife. The rule of thumb is: when one spouse brings up an issue, the other has to respond. However, one of the most destructive things in a marriage can be the growing sense that you are walking through a mine field and your spouse might explode with an issue at any minute and without warning. Instead of having arguments whenever issues come up, you should agree to deal with them when you are both able to do it well. Trying to force an issue when the other person is tired or not prepared only generates more tension. However, it then becomes incumbent on the partner who is not ready to set another time, preferably within a day or two, that is agreeable to both. Sometimes the length of time you will discuss the issue needs to be set, such a one hour, only to pick up the discussion at a more convenient time, rather than talking on and on. Having a rule that either partner can call a time out if the discussion gets angrily out of hand can also be helpful.

Another thing successful couples do is to define the issue clearly. When you feel the tension rising inside, ask yourself what is really bugging you. Often it is not the event but a hidden issue beneath the event. For example, if a wife complains about her husband coming home late from work, the real issue might be that she does not feel cared for. Also, stay on issue! Do not move from one issue to another, saying perhaps “And another thing: Why do you always . . . ?” Escalation occurs when partners negatively respond back and forth to each other, continually upping the ante so that conditions get worse and worse. And once negative abusive comments are made, they are hard to take back and usually threaten the lifeblood of the marriage.

Once you have contracted to discuss a defined issue, be sure to discuss it fully. And be sure to state your feelings directly. The “X, Y, Z” formula is one way to do this where you fill in the blanks: “In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z. For example, “When you work late and you do not let me know, I feel unloved and lonely.” Instead of being defensive, the partner should be willing to listen. Softening your tone and validating your spouse’s point of view are powerful tools to end escalation. Sometimes the very process of understanding the issue itself becomes the solution. At other times, it is necessary to brainstorm for solutions and to compromise with the solutions that best take into consideration both partners.

In conclusion, fighting is not bad in marriage – and can even be beneficial, but how you fight is the primary indicator of the future happiness of a marriage. Fighting fair opens the door to a more vital and intimate marriage.

Growing in Intimacy

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2008.

A vital part of a strong marriage is the component of intimacy. So many young couples never learn this skill and inevitably grow apart. This results is a couple, years down the road, living parallel lives – that is, they share the same children, house, meals, checkbook, even bedroom, but they live their own separate lives, with separate friends and interests, and never really “know” each other. These couples then wake up one day to the realization that something is missing and often look for alternate sources of intimacy, either in another romantic relationship or an addiction.

Intimacy is the “best friends” aspect of marriage. Sometimes couples confuse physical intimacy with the type of emotional intimacy to which I am referring. Ideally, married couples should be best friends as well as lovers – sharing dreams, interests, fears and hopes. But often many women seek out friends or relatives before confiding in their husbands. Similarly, men are more likely to talk to their close friends about their future dreams and ambitions than they are their wives. Does this mean we shouldn’t have close friends – of course not. But it does mean we should place priority on cultivating intimacy with our spouses.

One way to do this is to spend time together. Studies indicate that marital happiness is highly correlated with the amount of time spent together – one on one time. Spending time with the children as a family is important too but should not take the place of couple time. I encourage couples with young children, who have limited time, to postpone some hobbies and social interests until their children get older. For example, many a marriage have been harmed by a husband who leaves his wife with small children while he goes hunting. He can instead earn valuable deposits in his wife’s love account if he stays home and helps at this crucial stage. Then later he can hunt at will, as many older women do not mind, and may even welcome, their husbands leaving for a hunting trip. Do you know why? It’s because the young wife is looking for reassurance that her husband chooses her first – above anyone or anything. Once this question is settled in her mind – settled by many experiences of being chosen first – then she is less likely to mind the short separations that work, hobbies or other interests bring.

Another thing that promotes intimacy is heart-to-heart talks. These do not happen on the go. Intimacy is cultivated when we carefully listen to our partner – not just to their story but also to their feelings. So be sure to cultivate intimacy by sharing your heart with your partner – your beliefs, opinions, emotions, experiences and deep desires. Also, each person should be able to voice a complaint to the other and not fear being ignored, discounted or angrily attacked. Often one or both partners fear conflict and avoid it at all costs. The sad irony is that avoiding conflict seems like the peaceful thing to do to promote harmony in the relationship, but just the opposite is true – conflict promotes intimacy! The reasons are that being open and honest with one another clears the air as well as brings a deeper knowledge of the other person, while holding things inside keep us more frustrated and isolated. Of course, the fighting must be fair. (I’ll address that in a future article.) The inability to talk in these heart-to-heart ways is an early red flag signaling later marital difficulties.

Partners who do not cultivate intimacy are doomed to live in an “empty-shell” marriage. They may coordinate the practical details of their daily lives but they live in an emotional vacuum, never really enjoying the full beauty of married love. And another unfortunate side effect is that it may eventually affect the physical aspect of the marriage – all the more reason to grow in intimacy.

How Well Are You Connected?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2008.

The title may sound like a wireless internet ad, but I want to apply the idea to relationships. Last year in my articles I spent a lot of time discussing “attachment theory” as it applies to parenting. An attachment bond was explained to be an emotional connection between a child and a parent which provides comfort and security and from which a child then is able to develop a healthy sense of self in the world. However, this inborn need for attachment continues to follow us into our adult lives, usually transitioning from the parent-child relationship to the marital relationship. Emotional dependency is an innate part of being human rather than a childhood trait we outgrow as we mature.

Adults generally need an irreplaceable other who continues to provide comfort, care and support. This explains why a grown person who is otherwise successful, competent and independent in their working world can become upset, clinging and despairing when they fail to evoke responsiveness from their attachment figure.

Attachment relationships do not have to be marital but can also be close relationships with other family members or friends. However, all marital relationships should be attachment relationships. Certain criteria distinguish an attachment relationship from a casual friendship, which include the following: the proximity or closeness to this caregiver is sought, especially in times of trouble; this person provides a felt sense of security; any threat or separation from this person induces fear and anxiety; and the loss of this person induces grief and sorrow.

Attachment injuries can become the downfall of many a marriage. An attachment injury is a specific type of betrayal experienced in couple relationships, characterized as an abandonment or a violation of trust. It is not a general trust issue but instead concerns a specific incident in which one partner is inaccessible and unresponsive in the face of the other partner’s urgent need for the kind of support and caring expected of attachment figures. Some injuries may appear trivial to an outsider, or they may be more obvious betrayals of trust, such as infidelity. Some may occur at times of physical illness (for example, after a cancer diagnosis) or during times of loss (such as a miscarriage or the death of a child). When a person is most vulnerable and cries out for help or understanding and there is no response, the basic assumption of the whole relationship – “that my partner will be there for me” – is undermined. The couple are then caught in a drama in which the injured spouse sets tests and the offending spouse is usually found wanting. It appears that these kinds of wounds cannot be left behind, according to therapist Susan Johnson, originator of emotionally focused couples therapy. If such events cannot be resolved, trust remains tentative and relationship distress increases.

There are several attachment styles we can have, depending on the one we brought from childhood. Some people may have an anxious style and be too clingy, always desperately trying to get the attention of an attachment figure. This may explain why some people are not willing to leave an abusive relationship, for fear they will have no relationship at all. Another style is the avoidant style – people who put up walls and become detached from close relationships. They may look to possessions, work, or success to satisfy but almost always fall prey to addictions to fill their deep felt attachment needs. Then there is the preferred style – the secure style, in which people strike a healthy balance between being needy and not needing anyone. Secure people can easily transition to God as the ultimate attachment figure – the one to whom they primarily turn as the source of their comfort and security. But they still need people and should desire to seek out close connections with others. The vertical attachment demands that we have horizontal or earthly attachments to other people. Our bond with God can then strengthen and enhance our attachments to spouses, family members, and other trusted attachment figures. To quote Gary Smalley, “Life is relationships; the rest is just details. God made you for relationship.”

So it’s not optional whether we have attachment figures. The real choice is whether we will work to make those relationships great or allow them to cause ourselves and others pain. How well connected are you?

The Four Horsemen

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2006.

Just as there are the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in the Bible who foreshadow the end times, there are “four horsemen” in marriage therapy who foreshadow the end of a marriage. They are not the end themselves but are strong warning signs that the end is near.

John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail . . . and How You Can Make Yours Last, coined this metaphor. He discovered in his groundbreaking research at the University of Washington that surprisingly the extent to which couples argued was unrelated to whether they divorced. Instead, what mattered was how couples treated each other, especially during the arguments. He says these patterns of mistreatment produce what he calls a “cascade” effect – a downward negative spiral leading with a kind of inevitability to divorce.

The first of these horsemen is criticism. Criticism involves attacking someone’s personality or character – rather than a specific behavior – usually with blame. Airing a complaint against a specific behavior, on the other hand, is actually one of the healthiest activities that can occur in a marriage. The difference is that a complaint is a specific comment about a situation you wish were otherwise. For example, a complaint might be, “We don’t go out as much as I’d like,” vs. a criticism such as, “You never take me anywhere.” Notice even the use of language: a complaint usually involves an “I” statement, expressing a personal opinion about the matter, rather than a “You” statement. “You” statements generally sound accusatory and are especially destructive if coupled with words such as “should” or “ought” or “never” or “always”– all generalizations. When criticisms begin to become pervasive, it usually heralds the arrival of the next more foreboding horseman - contempt.

What separates the second horseman contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Fueling these actions are negative thoughts about the partner, such as, he or she is stupid, disgusting, incompetent, or a fool. The opposite of contempt is admiration. The contempt seems to overrun the positive aspects of the marriage and tends to destabilize it. Among the most common signs of contempt are insults and name-calling, hostile humor, sarcasm, and body language, such as sneering and rolling your eyes.

Once contempt arrives at a home, the third horseman – defensiveness – follows close behind. What usually happens is if one partner acts contemptuously, the other responds defensively, which just makes matters worse. Now both feel victimized. Of course, it’s easy to understand that if you feel attacked, your natural inclination is to defend. But the attack-and-defend mode tends to escalate a conflict rather than resolve anything.

Eventually, one partner usually becomes exhausted and overwhelmed by the attacks and stops responding or offers monosyllabic utterings or changes the subject. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Hence the name of the fourth horseman – stonewalling. The stonewaller just removes himself by turning into a stone wall. Most stonewallers (85%) are men, usually because men tend to be more physiologically overwhelmed by the flooding of emotions. They think they are preventing further conflict by not communicating but they are instead powerfully communicating, sending the message: “I am withdrawing or disengaging from any meaningful interaction with you.” Once the fourth horseman becomes a regular resident, it takes a good deal of hard work and soul searching to save the marriage. However, these horsemen can become instead a wake-up call for a couple, making them aware of what they are doing and hopefully, can give them an urgency to change the way they are treating each other.

(Note: Gottman recently added a fifth horseman – belligerence – to his list. This distorts the original metaphor but adds even more insight to the warning signs of divorce.)

Qualities of a Good Marriage

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta's Wedding Issue in 2006.

For so long the trend has been to fall in love, marry, and just hope for the best. The truth is, most engaged couples prepare more for their wedding than they do for their marriage. Somehow they think that marriage will just magically happen and they will “live happily ever after.” But the alarming statistics are that marital dissatisfaction is happening sooner than ever before, with many couples experiencing serious problems within the first two years. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Having a good marriage can become less of a mystery if people would become more purposeful in educating themselves and preparing for marriage. Also, after marrying, if couples would seek help sooner, at the first signs of marital distress, rather than later, they could avoid having unhappiness set in with the accompanying desire of one or both partners just to leave the marriage.

Often if you ask people what makes a good marriage, nearly 90% of them say “being in love.” But if you ask them to list the essential ingredients, in a survey of 1000 people, no single item was mentioned by at least half of the group. In other words, most people can’t agree on what love is. Or they don’t know. In past centuries the topic of love used to belong to the poets and philosophers. Chaucer even said, “Love is blind.” But today that is not an excuse. The blindfolds have come off and the subject of love has been researched and put to scrutiny in the laboratory. Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, perhaps the premier authority on communication skills today, has used high-tech equipment and a team of researchers to study marriage for more than twenty years. His team is able to predict which marriages will improve and which ones will deteriorate with a 95% accuracy rate. Dr. Gottman can spot and track a couple’s marital breakdown by observing how they handle conflict.

So what are the qualities of a good marriage? Robert Sternberg, a Yale University psychologist, has developed what he calls the “triangular model,” which I believe is one of the most encompassing views of marriage to date. In his view, love is a triangle with three foundational sides: passion, intimacy, and commitment. I use this model often in a first session with married couples. I usually get both spouses to rate themselves in each category on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest level of each, in order to gauge the current condition of the marriage.

According to Sternberg, passion is the motivational side of marriage – that intense desire for physical affection that draws a couple together initially. Passion can be almost possessive, fostering a fascination that borders on obsession. It drives couples to an extreme level of preoccupation with one another, to the point they can’t bear to tear themselves apart. In the February 2006 issue of National Geographic, the lead story is “Love – A Chemical Reaction.” It has actually been proven that a chemical reaction takes place in the brain involving the release of dopamine. And brain scans of people in love match those of people who have obsessive-compulsive disorder. However, this effect is shown to wear off in everyone, usually in approximately 1 ½ years. So for the couples who believe they have found their one true love and nothing can break this magic spell, great disillusionment can set in when this stage wears off. However, the article offers hope. It says that the couple can move “from the dopamine-drenched state of romantic love to the relative quiet of an oxytocin-induced attachment.” Ocytocin is a hormone that promotes a feeling of connection or bonding. It is released when we hug each other, when a mother nurses her infant, or when someone has an orgasm. In relationships that fail, “chances are the couple has not found a way to stimulate or sustain oxytocin production.”

The second leg of Sternberg’s triangle is intimacy, which is the emotional side of love’s triangle. Pure passion is self-seeking until it is linked with intimacy. One cannot sustain a relationship over the long haul without really knowing a person. Intimacy has a “best friend” aspect to the marriage. In fact, the lack of intimacy is the number one enemy of marriage. Without it, people can live under the same roof and lead parallel lives but will be isolated and lonely. Intimacy hinges on sharing deep thoughts and feelings, on good communication, on honesty and support.

The third leg of love’s triangle is commitment, which is the cognitive side of marriage. Commitment looks toward an uncertain future and says “for better or worse” and promises to be there “until death.” It also is a decision to “forsake all others.” Commitment gives our partner security, which is essential to married love. Without commitment, people can wander aimlessly and helplessly in and out of relationships, which unfortunately many do.

These three essential qualities vary over time and from person to person. Two partners can even be out of sync with one feeling loving towards the other while the spouse feels unloved. But it is so important to know, especially early on, that the passion that begins a marriage cannot sustain a marriage. Love will undergo numerous changes and evolve into many different forms over a lifetime together. Accepting love’s ebb and flow can allow you to relax and enjoy its many manifestations. But it is important to know that all three qualities are necessary to have a consummate love, which should be the goal of marriage. It is a goal to attain and then maintain, giving attention to each side of love’s triangle. It usually occurs later in the marriage and is worth working and waiting for. You know when it happens because at those graceful moments, both partners experience the same rhythm, like in a dance, of passion, intimacy and commitment at the same time.

The Vital Signs of a Healthy Marriage

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2005.

Have you wondered if you have a healthy marriage? If you would like to get a check-up on your marriage, I would offer that there are several vital signs that determine its health. In fact, as a therapist, I usually identify the stages of marital conflict much like the stages of cancer. Couples in Stage I have a low level of conflict whereas couples in Stage IV have extremely high levels. Also, a definitive marker for Stage IV is the engagement of an attorney by one or both spouses. This move usually closes the door on reconciliation and places the marriage in an adversarial context. Unfortunately, most couples who come to therapy come in Stage III – and most often in its late stage – which makes it almost impossible to save the marriage. It would be better if couples could recognize the warning signs of a troubled marriage and get help earlier when recovery is more likely. Or better yet, why not take preventative measures to ensure the health of your marriage?

One of the first signs to check is your level of functioning when you entered the marriage. The more problematic your family’s history, the more stress you bring into the marriage. This is especially so if you have had a previous marriage. You simply cannot leave behind all the bad things with hopes of starting afresh with only the good things – you bring everything. So the degree to which you have dealt with your past determines how much baggage you bring into the marriage.

Often marital discord is organized around a particular issue which must be addressed and resolved. Though there can be an array of issues, the most prominent are the big four: money, sex, parenting, and in-laws. Discussions about expectations in these areas are important, rather than assuming your spouse has the same views. Since these issues often involve the distribution of power and control and influence, it is important that each partner is satisfied with his or her role. For example, one person may take charge of managing and dispersing the money, as long it is agreeable to the other.

As for your relationship with your spouse, two areas are critical for nurturing and maintaining the relationship: 1) communication and 2) relationship time and activity. Communication involves both the exchange of factual information as well as the ability to share your personal thoughts and feelings. Relationship time and activity are measures of your investment in the relationship. And the two most important currencies in the marital economy are time and sexual compatibility. Time can be spent in some shared activity, such as going to a movie, but it also needs to be spent in working on the relationship by “being there” for each other and interacting on a personal level. Also, maintaining a healthy sex life is vital to a marriage and its presence is often a reflection of the couple’s level of intimacy. Many couples routinely ignore the need to nurture their marriage and just automatically expect their spouses to make them happy.

Another sign of a healthy marriage is the emotional climate that surrounds the relationship. In a safe atmosphere, people are relaxed and open rather than tense and guarded. It is safe to be oneself, to be vulnerable, and to approach your partner for connection or support. The temperature can vary from frigid to superheated. At a normal temperature, people do not withdraw in cold silence or routinely retreat to their own spaces, and when they do engage, they do not easily react in anger to one another. In a turbulent atmosphere, there is a large amount of active conflict, marked by reactivity, high levels of criticism and defensiveness. In a stable environment, marriage is not conflict free but is marked by the ability to resolve conflict in a calm and respectful manner.

So take your pulse. See if the temperature of your marriage is normal. Make sure conflict is not escalating, causing your blood pressure to rise. And if you detect your relationship time and activity level declining, start exercising your way back to health.

Advice to Couples Planning to Wed

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta's Wedding Issue in 2005.

As a marriage counselor I have noticed how much time and attention have been devoted to the preparations for the wedding but how little have been devoted to the preparation for the marriage itself. In fact, the wedding plans can seem to take on a life of their own and the couple can easily lose perspective of their future relationship.

Recent statistics show that marital satisfaction begins to drop in the first 4 years of marriage and by the end of 5 years of marriage, 19% of couples will be divorced. One survey found that 40% of newlyweds found marriage harder than they had expected and also felt that their partner had become more critical after marriage. It is becoming more and more evident that couples not only need pre-marital preparation but an on-going support system to make marriage work. (Prepare-Enrich, 2003)

One reason for some post-marital distress is the marriage myth that you can take all positive things from your family of origin and leave behind all the negative things and in effect have a fresh start. Wrong! In actuality, you bring it all into the marriage. In fact, the sources of much of the conflict or unhappiness are what I call pre-morbid factors, such as crises, poor relationships, and unresolved conflicts from the past. Another reason for distress is that the rose colored glasses come off that have filtered in the positive things about the other person and filtered out the negative things. When these glasses come off, the true person emerges, warts and all. Sometimes this is immediately, even on the honeymoon, or in the few months that follow. This is even true of live-in couples, who think they have gotten to know each other well, but they have just postponed this process of letting their guard down completely because the uncertainty of the commitment. An additional reason for distress following marriage is the myth that another person can make you whole. Unless a person is happy being single, it is unlikely he or she will be happy being married. The best thing a person can do to prepare for marriage is to become an emotionally healthy individual.

I like to recommend pre-marital counseling at least six months prior to the wedding. This way the relationship of the couple can be explored without the competing pressure of the wedding plans. Also, if a couple discover that they need to break or postpone the engagement, they usually have not made such extensive plans that they find it almost impossible to back out of them. A good pre-marital counselor will usually explore the couple’s goals and expectations of the marriage, their families of origin and how they plan to blend them, their personality and gender differences, their communication skills and ability to resolve conflict, and their financial plans and how they view money. Even with good pre-marital counseling, the most important benefit is that they have someone to whom they can return if they encounter difficulty a few months or years into the marriage. The expectations of marriage rarely match the reality of what is actually experienced. So if you do not have pre-marital counseling, do get counseling after the marriage if you encounter problems – the earlier the better. If problems are allowed to fester, they can become worse as time goes on with the couple becoming polarized in seemingly entrenched stances.

So much of what we see and hear about marriage these days is negative. It seems the “for better or for worse” takes on the “for worse” part. But the “for better” part can be a wonderful relationship that can provide our most basic need of a loving attachment to another human being. The commitment aspect of marriage underlies this secure attachment. The sexual aspect of marriage sets it apart from other relationships and can be a continual source of pleasure and a way of connecting for years to come. And the intimacy aspect of marriage can be that of soul mates who know and are known by each other. This is where communication skills are so important. Some couples are so afraid of conflict, especially if it was not modeled properly in their families, that they avoid it at all costs. But conflict handled in the right way can actually increase intimacy.

It was once thought that the ability to resolve conflict was the best predictor of marital satisfaction. But the most recent research indicates the best predecitors to be the wife’s ability to be soothing and have a “softened start-up” when approaching her husband and the husband’s being able to tolerate and respond to his wife’s negative emotion. (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, July 2003) It is vital that couples stay emotionally engaged and actively responding to one another. It seems the age old biblical principles still work – “wives, respect your husbands” (translated, do not nag or attempt to control them) and “husbands, understand your wives” (translated, listen to them, do not withdraw from them or just try to fix their problem).

In conclusion, couples who are planning to marry, please work on the relationship. A good relationship will not just magically happen. Think of being married as becoming a team together, with each fitting their plans to one another. If each selfishly lives their own life without regard to how it effects the other, they miss out on the marvelous support and comfort that marriage can provide.

(Note: If you cannot obtain adequate pre-marital counseling, I recommend you do some reading on the subject. Some books I would recommend are Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, and Fighting for Your Marriage, by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg.)

The State of Marriage

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2005.

Since this is the month in which the President delivers his “State of the Union” address, I thought I would speak to what I view as the “state of marriage.” I was concerned a few months ago when the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, of which I am a member, sent out a survey to ask the members’ opinion about whether we should take a stance to maintain the definition of marriage as an exclusive union between a man and a woman or rather expand it to include same sex couples. I replied that I preferred to keep marriage as an exclusive union between a man and a woman and listed several reasons, including that marriage has provided the basic structure for society in all cultures since the beginning of civilization and that it also promotes the best growth and development of children in my opinion.

I was encouraged following the general elections in November that so many people overwhelmingly agreed that marriage should remain as a union between a man and a woman only. Yet while I am hopeful that marriage will remain as an institution in our nation, I am discouraged as a marriage counselor about the current condition of marriage in general. Couples therapy is the most difficult type of therapy I do because many couples tend to be so conflictual and in such emotional pain by the time they come to therapy that they tend to be irreconcilable. I even know colleagues who now refuse to see married couples due to the difficulty of this type of therapy. Yet because of the importance of retaining marriage as a vital structure of society, I will plod on – for now at least.

I will agree that in past centuries many couples stayed together out of necessity and socio-economic pressures, albeit many of these unions were not happy ones. The 20^th century opened the way for many unhappy couples, especially women, to have the freedom not to live in physically or emotionally abusive homes nor tolerate adulterous situations. Yet we may have taken this freedom too far with 50% of our marriages ending in divorce. Sadly this statistic is the same for Christians as well as non-Christians. I believe that most people take their vows seriously when they say “for better or worse,” yet when “the worse” comes they seem unable to stay in the marriage. Or if they do stay married, they find other ways “to stick it out,” including having affairs or a series of married relationships that start out with high hopes which later are dashed. Or two people stay in a long-term relationship by living separate but parallel lives under the same roof. Or some opt out of marriage altogether and just decide to live alone for the rest of their lives. These to me are all poor options and do not fulfill what I see as God’s original plan for marriage, which is the coming together of a male and female in an exclusive one flesh union in which they are intimately connected physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I would urge couples to assess their marriages, whatever stage of life they are in. No age group is invulnerable to divorce anymore. A huge mistake many couples make is to neglect their relationship due to busyness in their lives. They seem to be on track for living separate lives and do not learn to communicate with each other on a meaningful level nor resolve conflict in a satisfactory way. One of the partners then suddenly wakes up one day and gets mad that he or she is not experiencing the type of relationship desired yet has not made a committed effort to do their part to invest in the marriage along the way. Newlywed couples especially now seem to find marriage harder than they expected. It is becoming more and more evident that couples not only need pre-marital preparation but an on-going support system and good models to make marriage work.

While we may have preserved marriage as an institution for now, we as a nation need to individually address our own marriages in order to preserve marriage for future generations. If your marriage is not a mutually satisfying and supportive relationship, I encourage you to get help – read some books, attend a marriage conference, find a more mature couple to mentor you, or seek a marriage counselor. I challenge you: what is the “state of your marriage”?