Redefining Love

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in December 2003.

I have talked a lot in recent articles about the importance of love in both marriages and parent-child relationships. In this article I want to explore more what I mean by love and possibly redefine what it means to many people. Many of the pre-conceived notions and personal opinions that people have about love are erroneous and are instead just a guise for selfishness and manipulation.

First of all, if you feel loved, you know it! Just because someone says they love you or even does sacrificial things for you, that does not necessarily come across to you as love. In fact, an indication of a possible glitch in the relationship is a sense of feeling “icky” around someone. The reason is that if you are loved the way you need to be, you feel a sense of safety and acceptance and approachability with that person.

When my daughter got married three years ago, my toast at the rehearsal dinner to the young couple was this: “As a marriage counselor there is a lot of advice I could and would like to give you, but since I will be a mother-in-law I will refrain from doing so. However, there is one thing I would like to say to you as you begin your marriage – remember that true love is not given the way you would like to receive it yourself, but true love is given the way the other person needs it.”

As I counsel married couples, I urge them to become students of each other. Find out what the other likes and become creative and sacrificial in fulfilling those preferences. This is the norm for dating relationships but somehow often gets brushed aside in marriage. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages gives some good examples of ways couples can show their love to their partners.

To parents I give similar advice – become a student of your child. Many know the Proverb “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Often they interpret it to mean that if they instruct and discipline their child properly, then the child, even if he strays for a while, will return to the teachings of his parents. But a different translation of that verse may be to train a child “according to his way.” This implies respect for his individuality and abilities and is not about his self will. The stress is on parental opportunity and duty. Often parents bring an unruly or depressed teen to therapy. It is obvious they care about their child and have not neglected their parental responsibilities, but the child, born with an internal sensor, just does not respond to life positively and joyfully. Often the parents have regarded the child a reflection of themselves and want the child to fulfill their own unfulfilled desires and expectations. As a result, parents may inadvertently cause damage. Instead, if they would regard each child as a unique gift from God, given to them for a period of time to help shape and develop, then the child will usually be set on a good path for the rest of his or her life.

In summary, a good way of redefining love is to have a profound concern for the welfare of another without any desire to control that other or to expect something in return. This is the kind of love that just feels right.

Loving Discipline

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2003.

In my previous articles, I have talked about the need for having safe, caring families where there is good wholesome communication. It may have seemed I have tipped the scales on the side of love. “Where is the proper place for discipline?” you may ask. That is the topic I would like to address – where does discipline fit in?

Rightly so, love must be balanced with discipline. In fact, one of the purposes of the family is to provide the discipline a child needs to develop into a healthy adult who has character and functions well in society. Parents need to provide the boundaries to acceptable behavior in their children. These boundaries actually provide safety and show the child your love. Parents simply cannot “just be friends” with their child.

I prefer, however, to use the concept of “teaching” as opposed to “discipline.” Discipline seems to imply punishment, which is, in fact, the tool most parents use to train their children. But teaching involves so much more than punishing what a child does wrong – it also involves rewarding and encouraging right behavior in a child. Teaching shapes and prepares a child for the future.

Let me say this – teaching a child is hard work. It may be a job you did not realize you signed up for, but it is your God given responsibility as a parent. I like to tell parents that parenting is front-end loaded – that is, if they work really hard with their toddlers, their teens will be easier. But with so many parents working and distracted with their own problems, and especially with so many single-parent homes, the time to invest in training children is not readily available. But I urge you to make the time. There’s only a small window of opportunity for good parenting, so it is worth prioritizing.

Also, in addition to parents not making the time for molding their children, many parents find themselves teachers without training. Our culture does not train us to train our children. I encourage you as parents to look to books and counselors for help.

One of the hardest tasks in teaching children is being consistent. Parents need not only to clearly state their expectations to their children, but they need to let the children know there will be consequences to negative behavior and then need to follow through with those consequences on a consistent basis. Children are learners by nature. In fact, they learn all too easily. They may learn if they throw a tantrum or argue with mom or dad, what do they get – the attention they want. Sometimes, kids crave the attention of their parents or those around them and will go to great lengths to get it, even if it is negative attention. So by withdrawing the benefit, that is, by leaving the room or wordlessly going about business as usual, often the negative behavior stops. So it is worth exploring – what is the not so obvious benefit in the negative behavior? Then, how can I spot and encourage and reward the right behavior?

Back to the balance scales, is it 50-50 – love and discipline? If I had to tip the scales one way or the other, I would tip them on the side of love.

Talking and Listening Together

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in October 2003:

As I mentioned in my article last month, one of the purposes of marriages and families is to provide safe, caring connections for members. This month I would like to discuss another important ingredient in healthy marriages and families – the ability to talk and listen to one another. We need good communication in order to have wholeness in our families. Unfortunately, good communication does not just happen by chance but instead requires our focus and energy.

However, merely talking to our spouses and children is not sufficient in and of itself, but the type of talking that we do matters. Many parents talk to their children the same way they were talked to growing up – with nagging, overcontrol, criticalness, put-downs, belittling, guilting, screaming, or even the silent treatment. This type of shame-based parenting uses words and actions that cause kids to think they are only loved and valued if they meet certain criteria set by their parents. The children do not perceive they are loved simply for themselves. An example statement would be, “What’s wrong with you?” Shame-based parenting has been the dominant style of parenting for ages. It has good short-term results but it simply does not pay off in the long run. It produces either distant or obligatory relationships when the children grow up. On the other hand, talking to our children by using words of affirmation and encouragement takes time and effort and reaps great rewards in mutually satisfying relationships. This same type of positive communication is necessary for good marriages also.

Statistics show, in fact, that it takes five positive statements to overcome one negative statement. With this 5:1 ratio, many parents and spouses find themselves with huge negative love deficits. There are several ways to pull out of this hole if we will slowly make determined efforts, including praising each other, apologizing when wrong, giving affectionate touches and hugs, speaking with a softer tone of voice, and spending time together engaging in fun activities – to name a few. And one especially important way to show love is by listening.

In fact, listening may be called the language of love. Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame” (NIV). Most of us only pay partial attention to the talker because we are rehearsing what we are going to say next. We may be forming judgments or preparing our defense. This is NOT active listening but reactive listening. True listening involves hearing what the other person has to say fully without yet passing judgment. A good way to slow ourselves down is to say back to the talker, “I heard you say ___________,” paraphrasing back what the talker has said. What a gift to give to others, especially family members – to be heard and understood. This is not the same as agreeing with the other person. That can come later, in a calm and collected manner. Active listening also involves the listener giving the talker focused attention, complete with eye contact. Often, husbands, your wife just wants you to listen to her and empathize with her rather than solve her problem. Just try it and see if it works!

In summary, a vital ingredient in family relationships is the ability to be accurately attuned to what the other is saying and to be reasonably responsive. I encourage you to do more talking and listening together.

The Family As a Social System

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2003.

As I begin this new column on marriages and families, my desire is not only to educate the readers on many important aspects of these, our most vital relationships, but also to help people who are hurting discover new ways to interact in order to promote healthier marriages and families. It does not take an expert to tell you that our families are in crisis today. With a 50% divorce rate for first time marriages and an 80% rate for second marriages, it’s worth struggling to set things as aright as possible wherever we find ourselves at the moment. Many have the idea that if they just get a fresh start, things will be better, only to find themselves repeating the same scenario, only under different circumstances. Plus throw in the “ex’s” and the “step’s” and relationships become more complicated than ever.

Families are what I call a social system. There are many other social systems, such as schools and churches, but the family is the most basic unit of society. Furthermore, each family is its own social system. The first thing I like to do when counseling a family is to assure them that they are not weird, or different, but instead they are unique. There are no set rules for having a great family, for there are all sorts of ways for families to organize to promote growth and well being. Therefore, I generally spend a lot of time getting to know a family or a couple before I pass judgment. All behavior, even maladaptive behavior, makes sense at one time, especially as a way to cope with extenuating circumstances. However, the behavior can become entrenched, even beyond its necessity. Part of my job is then to help people see things differently and encourage them to promote change. Often when relationships are not working, people tend to do what they’ve been doing, only do more of it! What is needed instead is to introduce change.

What I would like to share in this column are some general precepts that I believe do promote healthy families, as opposed to those that cause damage. I believe that God not only designed us to be relational beings but also gave us a blueprint, one with lots of space for liberties, for a way to live in those relationships. My favorite definition of wisdom is that given by one of my seminary professors: “Wisdom is living God’s way in God’s world.” If we do not know how to function properly in relationships, or worse, if we refuse to function properly, our greatest suffering can come from our closest relationships.

I do not particularly want to give you a how-to list, but I would like to start a conversation over the coming months delineating some general guidelines for having good relationships, as well as some warnings about things that deter them. I would like to begin with the following concept: I believe all marriages and families should provide safe, caring connections for their members. One of the purposes for homes and families is to provide a “secure base” for sending its members out into the world, and a “safe haven” from which its members can retreat. I would like to challenge you: How inviting are you to your spouse or children? Can they be assured, by your loving words and your affectionate touch, that they are accepted and safe in your presence? Or do you generally tend to be blaming and accusatory or walled off? I encourage you to become an outside observer of yourself and assess how you think you come across to your loved ones.