Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2003.
As I begin this new column on marriages and families, my desire is not only to educate the readers on many important aspects of these, our most vital relationships, but also to help people who are hurting discover new ways to interact in order to promote healthier marriages and families. It does not take an expert to tell you that our families are in crisis today. With a 50% divorce rate for first time marriages and an 80% rate for second marriages, it’s worth struggling to set things as aright as possible wherever we find ourselves at the moment. Many have the idea that if they just get a fresh start, things will be better, only to find themselves repeating the same scenario, only under different circumstances. Plus throw in the “ex’s” and the “step’s” and relationships become more complicated than ever.
Families are what I call a social system. There are many other social systems, such as schools and churches, but the family is the most basic unit of society. Furthermore, each family is its own social system. The first thing I like to do when counseling a family is to assure them that they are not weird, or different, but instead they are unique. There are no set rules for having a great family, for there are all sorts of ways for families to organize to promote growth and well being. Therefore, I generally spend a lot of time getting to know a family or a couple before I pass judgment. All behavior, even maladaptive behavior, makes sense at one time, especially as a way to cope with extenuating circumstances. However, the behavior can become entrenched, even beyond its necessity. Part of my job is then to help people see things differently and encourage them to promote change. Often when relationships are not working, people tend to do what they’ve been doing, only do more of it! What is needed instead is to introduce change.
What I would like to share in this column are some general precepts that I believe do promote healthy families, as opposed to those that cause damage. I believe that God not only designed us to be relational beings but also gave us a blueprint, one with lots of space for liberties, for a way to live in those relationships. My favorite definition of wisdom is that given by one of my seminary professors: “Wisdom is living God’s way in God’s world.” If we do not know how to function properly in relationships, or worse, if we refuse to function properly, our greatest suffering can come from our closest relationships.
I do not particularly want to give you a how-to list, but I would like to start a conversation over the coming months delineating some general guidelines for having good relationships, as well as some warnings about things that deter them. I would like to begin with the following concept: I believe all marriages and families should provide safe, caring connections for their members. One of the purposes for homes and families is to provide a “secure base” for sending its members out into the world, and a “safe haven” from which its members can retreat. I would like to challenge you: How inviting are you to your spouse or children? Can they be assured, by your loving words and your affectionate touch, that they are accepted and safe in your presence? Or do you generally tend to be blaming and accusatory or walled off? I encourage you to become an outside observer of yourself and assess how you think you come across to your loved ones.
