Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in October 2003:
As I mentioned in my article last month, one of the purposes of marriages and families is to provide safe, caring connections for members. This month I would like to discuss another important ingredient in healthy marriages and families – the ability to talk and listen to one another. We need good communication in order to have wholeness in our families. Unfortunately, good communication does not just happen by chance but instead requires our focus and energy.
However, merely talking to our spouses and children is not sufficient in and of itself, but the type of talking that we do matters. Many parents talk to their children the same way they were talked to growing up – with nagging, overcontrol, criticalness, put-downs, belittling, guilting, screaming, or even the silent treatment. This type of shame-based parenting uses words and actions that cause kids to think they are only loved and valued if they meet certain criteria set by their parents. The children do not perceive they are loved simply for themselves. An example statement would be, “What’s wrong with you?” Shame-based parenting has been the dominant style of parenting for ages. It has good short-term results but it simply does not pay off in the long run. It produces either distant or obligatory relationships when the children grow up. On the other hand, talking to our children by using words of affirmation and encouragement takes time and effort and reaps great rewards in mutually satisfying relationships. This same type of positive communication is necessary for good marriages also.
Statistics show, in fact, that it takes five positive statements to overcome one negative statement. With this 5:1 ratio, many parents and spouses find themselves with huge negative love deficits. There are several ways to pull out of this hole if we will slowly make determined efforts, including praising each other, apologizing when wrong, giving affectionate touches and hugs, speaking with a softer tone of voice, and spending time together engaging in fun activities – to name a few. And one especially important way to show love is by listening.
In fact, listening may be called the language of love. Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame” (NIV). Most of us only pay partial attention to the talker because we are rehearsing what we are going to say next. We may be forming judgments or preparing our defense. This is NOT active listening but reactive listening. True listening involves hearing what the other person has to say fully without yet passing judgment. A good way to slow ourselves down is to say back to the talker, “I heard you say ___________,” paraphrasing back what the talker has said. What a gift to give to others, especially family members – to be heard and understood. This is not the same as agreeing with the other person. That can come later, in a calm and collected manner. Active listening also involves the listener giving the talker focused attention, complete with eye contact. Often, husbands, your wife just wants you to listen to her and empathize with her rather than solve her problem. Just try it and see if it works!
In summary, a vital ingredient in family relationships is the ability to be accurately attuned to what the other is saying and to be reasonably responsive. I encourage you to do more talking and listening together.
