In my previous articles, I have talked about the need for having safe, caring families where there is good wholesome communication. It may have seemed I have tipped the scales on the side of love. “Where is the proper place for discipline?” you may ask. That is the topic I would like to address – where does discipline fit in?
Rightly so, love must be balanced with discipline. In fact, one of the purposes of the family is to provide the discipline a child needs to develop into a healthy adult who has character and functions well in society. Parents need to provide the boundaries to acceptable behavior in their children. These boundaries actually provide safety and show the child your love. Parents simply cannot “just be friends” with their child.
I prefer, however, to use the concept of “teaching” as opposed to “discipline.” Discipline seems to imply punishment, which is, in fact, the tool most parents use to train their children. But teaching involves so much more than punishing what a child does wrong – it also involves rewarding and encouraging right behavior in a child. Teaching shapes and prepares a child for the future.
Let me say this – teaching a child is hard work. It may be a job you did not realize you signed up for, but it is your God given responsibility as a parent. I like to tell parents that parenting is front-end loaded – that is, if they work really hard with their toddlers, their teens will be easier. But with so many parents working and distracted with their own problems, and especially with so many single-parent homes, the time to invest in training children is not readily available. But I urge you to make the time. There’s only a small window of opportunity for good parenting, so it is worth prioritizing.
Also, in addition to parents not making the time for molding their children, many parents find themselves teachers without training. Our culture does not train us to train our children. I encourage you as parents to look to books and counselors for help.
One of the hardest tasks in teaching children is being consistent. Parents need not only to clearly state their expectations to their children, but they need to let the children know there will be consequences to negative behavior and then need to follow through with those consequences on a consistent basis. Children are learners by nature. In fact, they learn all too easily. They may learn if they throw a tantrum or argue with mom or dad, what do they get – the attention they want. Sometimes, kids crave the attention of their parents or those around them and will go to great lengths to get it, even if it is negative attention. So by withdrawing the benefit, that is, by leaving the room or wordlessly going about business as usual, often the negative behavior stops. So it is worth exploring – what is the not so obvious benefit in the negative behavior? Then, how can I spot and encourage and reward the right behavior?
Back to the balance scales, is it 50-50 – love and discipline? If I had to tip the scales one way or the other, I would tip them on the side of love.
