Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in December 2003.
I have talked a lot in recent articles about the importance of love in both marriages and parent-child relationships. In this article I want to explore more what I mean by love and possibly redefine what it means to many people. Many of the pre-conceived notions and personal opinions that people have about love are erroneous and are instead just a guise for selfishness and manipulation.
First of all, if you feel loved, you know it! Just because someone says they love you or even does sacrificial things for you, that does not necessarily come across to you as love. In fact, an indication of a possible glitch in the relationship is a sense of feeling “icky” around someone. The reason is that if you are loved the way you need to be, you feel a sense of safety and acceptance and approachability with that person.
When my daughter got married three years ago, my toast at the rehearsal dinner to the young couple was this: “As a marriage counselor there is a lot of advice I could and would like to give you, but since I will be a mother-in-law I will refrain from doing so. However, there is one thing I would like to say to you as you begin your marriage – remember that true love is not given the way you would like to receive it yourself, but true love is given the way the other person needs it.”
As I counsel married couples, I urge them to become students of each other. Find out what the other likes and become creative and sacrificial in fulfilling those preferences. This is the norm for dating relationships but somehow often gets brushed aside in marriage. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages gives some good examples of ways couples can show their love to their partners.
To parents I give similar advice – become a student of your child. Many know the Proverb “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Often they interpret it to mean that if they instruct and discipline their child properly, then the child, even if he strays for a while, will return to the teachings of his parents. But a different translation of that verse may be to train a child “according to his way.” This implies respect for his individuality and abilities and is not about his self will. The stress is on parental opportunity and duty. Often parents bring an unruly or depressed teen to therapy. It is obvious they care about their child and have not neglected their parental responsibilities, but the child, born with an internal sensor, just does not respond to life positively and joyfully. Often the parents have regarded the child a reflection of themselves and want the child to fulfill their own unfulfilled desires and expectations. As a result, parents may inadvertently cause damage. Instead, if they would regard each child as a unique gift from God, given to them for a period of time to help shape and develop, then the child will usually be set on a good path for the rest of his or her life.
In summary, a good way of redefining love is to have a profound concern for the welfare of another without any desire to control that other or to expect something in return. This is the kind of love that just feels right.
