Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2004.
In my article last month I left you with what I consider a good definition of love: to have a profound concern for the welfare of another without any desire to control that other or to expect something in return. To restate it in the negative – it is not a selfish manipulation of someone else to meet your own needs or to fulfill your own desires and expectations. This type of manipulative love is what I would call a pseudo-love – it appears to be love and even masquerades as love but is not a true God-like unconditional love.
What then is the opposite of love? Why abuse, of course – you might say. And it is true that so many children today grow up in abusive homes. The paths of their lives are almost doomed to the fate of probable addictions, wrecked homes, or even criminal behavior. What many people do not know, however, is that their children can equally suffer from neglect. The harsh reality is that neglect can do as much damage as abuse, but it leaves a vacuum much harder to grieve or to qualify. Many adults are walking around today with nebulous undefined hurt in their hearts and do not know that the source is their own neglect from childhood. Both abuse and neglect fuel addictions.
There are obvious differences in abuse and neglect, which I will point out. But I also want to show their similarities in order to warn well-meaning parents of their possible ignorance in causing inadvertent neglect to their children.
The basic difference in abuse and neglect is the following: abuse allows bad things into children’s lives that parents are responsible for keeping out, whereas neglect fails to allow good things in that children need and parents are responsible for providing. But there are four similar ways in which children can be damaged by both abuse and neglect, which include the following:
1) Physically – To prevent abuse, it is the parents’ responsibility to protect the children from those on the outside who would harm them. But in order not to neglect children, parents need to touch their children and be physically present with them. They need to allow them to participate in activities that build relationships and healthy connections to their outside world.
2) Emotionally - To prevent abuse, parents need to protect children from those who would damage them emotionally, such as alcoholic parents, bullies or other verbally abusive people. But in order not to neglect their children, parents need to praise them and speak words of encouragement. They need to validate their children’s emotions.
3) Sexually - To prevent abuse, parents need to keep their children from any non-appropriate touching, fondling, exposure or ridicule. But to prevent neglect, parents are the ones who should provide age appropriate information to their children about their sexuality. They should model and send affirming messages to them about their maleness or femaleness. They should set appropriate dating boundaries when the time comes.
4) Spiritually – To prevent abuse, parents should not send negative messages only of harsh rules or of hellfire and brimstone. The worst possible abuse occurs when a spiritual leader, such as a pastor or youth director, sexually abuses a child, for the child is damaged both spiritually and sexually. But something that is becoming more prevalent and is a huge area of neglect is parents’ failure to pass on a faith heritage to their children. Parents, if you do not currently attend church or think it is important, consider involving your family for your children’s sake. Otherwise, they may flounder through life not knowing their meaning or purpose.
To recap, abuse and neglect are flip sides of the same coin. Both can cause great damage that will usually leave a legacy of pain and addictive behavior. To be a good parent, you not only need to keep the bad out but you must also add the good in.
