Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2004.
All of us know what physical boundaries look like – they are fences, signs, or hedges that give the message that the owner of the property has a legal right to the property. Physical boundaries give people a legal deed to their property, to the exclusion of all others. According to Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in their book Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life, in the spiritual world, boundaries “define what is me and what is not me.” A boundary shows where one person ends and another person begins and gives a sense of ownership to a person. God designed a world where we are to live within our own souls housed in our physical bodies.
If I had to say if there is a common theme of problems in marriage relationships or parent-child relationships, I would say it is the theme of boundary violations. This is a huge broad area but does seem to underpin the more obvious problems, such as communication problems with couples and discipline problems with children. If people can be responsible for their own person, and respect the boundary of another, they can have a more healthy marriage relationship. If they can establish firm boundaries for their children, the family can be more peaceful. An experience that illustrated this more clearly to me last summer was that of being on a high story at a condominium on the beach in Florida. The balcony had a very high and very sturdy rail. I could walk out to the edge and even lean on the rail – I felt safe and could enjoy the sights, sounds, and smell of the ocean and even the touch of the ocean breeze. But I thought to myself, what if the rail were not there? I could still walk out onto the balcony and perhaps be all right, but could I enjoy the beach? No, I would have to worry about falling off the edge at all times. Thoughts of my safety would necessarily overtake my enjoyment of the beach. It was easy to see that the fence was a protective thing to me. In much the same way, the boundaries we establish with others produce more safety and more enjoyment of our relationships.
What exactly belongs inside these so-called boundaries of our souls? Included are our thoughts and opinions. Right or wrong, we all have a right to our beliefs and to the expression of them, within reason. We all have a right to our feelings and emotions. They should neither be ignored nor placed in charge, but they should be owned. We all have responsibility for our choices and behaviors, which all have consequences. When someone removes our natural consequences, even with the good intention of protecting us, we lose the power to learn from them. We all have a right to explore our desires and dreams and goals. Our talents are also within our boundaries to develop and use. We all have the right to set limits, to say no to ourselves, either to destructive desires or even some good ones that are not wise to pursue at a given time. We have the right to set limits on others. This does not mean we can change others or make them behave right, but adults can limit their exposure to people who behave in destructive or unloving ways. This actually protects love. And we have the right to give and receive love. Many have actually closed their hearts to love out of fear and hurt. What is needed in all these aspects of boundaries is a good gate, one which we can choose to open to let the good things in and to close to keep the bad things out. Boundaries should not be walls but fences.
Boundary setting is easier said than done. When we are not in secure, loving relationships, we face two bad options: either to set limits and risk losing an important relationship, or not to set limits and be a prisoner to the wishes of another. The place to begin learning to set boundaries is with what I call “safe people,” those who can accept us as we are and with whom we feel free to be our true selves – able to freely express our thoughts, feelings and desires without being put-down or discounted. If safe people are not readily available to you, seeing a counselor or therapist is a good place to begin as well as joining a small group in a church or in the community. You may need to seek hard to find these trustworthy people, but it is a venture worth pursuing. It is by developing our boundaries that we become and can enjoy being our true selves.
By the way, I highly recommend that you read the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend. Even if it is the only self-help book you ever read, it is worth your time.
