Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2004.
I have many clients who come to therapy having been told they are “codependent.” Or as we talk I even throw out the word “codependent” to give them some name or framework to what they are experiencing. They seem to know something about themselves is not quite right but they do not have words to explain their experience. They just seem to feel a nebulous or chaotic sense about themselves.
Having talked about boundaries in the last couple of articles, I thought this would be a good point at which to address this term “codependence.” To give some background, the term was coined in the 1970's to explain the experience of those who were married to alcoholics, that is, those who supported the alcoholics in their lifestyle by enabling them or rescuing them. They were thought to also be dependent along with the alcoholic in this lifestyle, hence a partner in dependency. The definition of the word has since evolved into many different meanings. It has come to mean having an addiction to a person and seems to manifest itself in repeating the same type of self-defeating relationships with different people again and again. One definition I like that is quoted by Melody Beattie in her book Codependent No More is, “It means I am always looking for someone to glob onto.” The term codependence has even come to mean being an addictive person in general, addicted to various types of substances or behaviors, such as alcohol, drugs, food, work, shopping, or relationships. That is, they are looking outside themselves to find something which will satisfy their inner longings.
After much research and many attempts to define this fuzzy condition known as codependence, one common denominator that does seem to come through is the secret unwritten rules that develop in a family that order relationships. According to Beattie, “These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect; selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change . . . These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too.” These are the old “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” rules that have long been known in Alcoholics Anonymous circles.
Another way of explaining codependence is to say these people have poor boundaries or to say that they have passive people-pleasing personalities. These people can find favor in the eyes of many, especially if they are compulsive caretakers, but they eventually become worn down and feel empty. They may even become angry at the very people that they have cared for. They come to think that the problem is the “other person” who if just would change would make their own lives better. But the trick is, who can change another person? And the truth is, if that problem person changes, usually the codependent family comes unglued. For example, if the alcoholic quits drinking, the family does not know how to relate to this new person and usually prefers the old way of organizing around the problem person.
Codependents do not become the way they are on their own. They are a product of their family systems. Their real need is to change themselves and learn to establish good boundaries around themselves. Somehow they need to extricate themselves from their unhealthy system, which is frightening to codependents, but necessary. I recommend to those trapped in the cycle of codependency to take a prolonged period of time to be selfish. Codependents feel the way they are relating is so right because they are loving others. But the Biblical command is to “love your neighbor as yourself”(emphasis mine). Codependents can benefit from a time of catching up on learning what it is to love themselves. They can start by taking long baths and long walks. They can give themselves time to explore what they really think, feel, and want in life. And when recovered, they can then better love others. This is not easy. It may even take a whole generation to break codependent patterns.
