Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2004.
In last month’s article I talked about the various kinds of losses we experience, from small ones to large ones, with the death of a loved one perhaps being the greatest of all. I stressed how each loss needs to be grieved or else the pain, though buried, remains constant. It takes so much energy to suppress pain and manage our feelings, but when we allow ourselves to share our grief with God and others, we release our pain, fears and heartache. As this occurs, our pain begins to subside and healing has begun. In this month’s article I want to discuss how to go about this grieving process.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her seminal book On Death and Dying outlined a 5-stage process of reactions. Others have described a similar process. My favorite book is Good Grief by Granger Westberg in which he describes a 10-step process. The steps common to most of these descriptions include shock and denial, anger, depression, loneliness, guilt, and finally acceptance and a return to joy. Conceptualizing these as stages is somewhat misleading since the reactions can occur in varying order and may overlap and recur at any time.
As we examine the grieving process, I will apply it to a death situation but remember that the process needs to be applied in a scaled down way to all types of loss. The intensity of grief depends on a combination of these variables, including how attached one is to the person, the way the loss came about, and whether it was sudden, premature, or violent.
In the shock and denial phase there is a numbness that allows us to lessen the impact of the initial loss because experiencing it all at once could be overwhelming. But to stay in denial by going on too quickly with our lives or by covering up the pain with addictions is not a good long term strategy. In order to begin to heal, we must come to accept grief as normal and unavoidable. A common myth that must be dispelled is that grieving is a sign of weakness or a lack of faith. Another common myth is that time, in and of itself, will bring healing. The emotions we feel inside need to be expressed. There are lots of ways to do this – by talking to close friends and family members, by writing in a journal, by praying to God – just to name a few. Thinking about our feelings and remaining silent are not the same as expressing them. By holding them in they only continue to churn and fester inside, only to come out someday, some how. Tears too are a wonderful release valve for emotional pain.
Though grieving is unavoidable, healing in and through grief is a choice. At some point we arrive at a partial understanding of grief – to grapple with the loss and adapt to it. Changes must be made so we can live with our loss in a healthy way. We can change from asking “Why did this happen to me?” to “What can I learn, how can I grow, how can God be glorified?” Some days will continue to be more difficult than others, with tears, fears, anger and confusion, but these feelings can continue to be released.
Grieving is a two-way process – the loss of a loved one and the recovery of our spirit. We want to return to the life we knew before the loss but we must live a new “normal.” Instead of locking ourselves away, we come to a place of surrender. We decide to re-organize our lives. We can develop a new identity without forgetting our loved one.
There is no prescribed timetable for recovery. For most people following a death it takes 2 -3 years to recover, and for some a lifetime. The peaks and valleys that are initially intense start to level out but not disappear. Be kind to yourself and diligent about your health. Grieving takes a lot of energy and your body needs more rest.
In closing, I challenge you with this question: “What is the loss in your life that you’ve never fully grieved?”
