Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2005.
Since this is the month in which the President delivers his “State of the Union” address, I thought I would speak to what I view as the “state of marriage.” I was concerned a few months ago when the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, of which I am a member, sent out a survey to ask the members’ opinion about whether we should take a stance to maintain the definition of marriage as an exclusive union between a man and a woman or rather expand it to include same sex couples. I replied that I preferred to keep marriage as an exclusive union between a man and a woman and listed several reasons, including that marriage has provided the basic structure for society in all cultures since the beginning of civilization and that it also promotes the best growth and development of children in my opinion.
I was encouraged following the general elections in November that so many people overwhelmingly agreed that marriage should remain as a union between a man and a woman only. Yet while I am hopeful that marriage will remain as an institution in our nation, I am discouraged as a marriage counselor about the current condition of marriage in general. Couples therapy is the most difficult type of therapy I do because many couples tend to be so conflictual and in such emotional pain by the time they come to therapy that they tend to be irreconcilable. I even know colleagues who now refuse to see married couples due to the difficulty of this type of therapy. Yet because of the importance of retaining marriage as a vital structure of society, I will plod on – for now at least.
I will agree that in past centuries many couples stayed together out of necessity and socio-economic pressures, albeit many of these unions were not happy ones. The 20th century opened the way for many unhappy couples, especially women, to have the freedom not to live in physically or emotionally abusive homes nor tolerate adulterous situations. Yet we may have taken this freedom too far with 50% of our marriages ending in divorce. Sadly this statistic is the same for Christians as well as non-Christians. I believe that most people take their vows seriously when they say “for better or worse,” yet when “the worse” comes they seem unable to stay in the marriage. Or if they do stay married, they find other ways “to stick it out,” including having affairs or a series of married relationships that start out with high hopes which later are dashed. Or two people stay in a long-term relationship by living separate but parallel lives under the same roof. Or some opt out of marriage altogether and just decide to live alone for the rest of their lives. These to me are all poor options and do not fulfill what I see as God’s original plan for marriage, which is the coming together of a male and female in an exclusive one flesh union in which they are intimately connected physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I would urge couples to assess their marriages, whatever stage of life they are in. No age group is invulnerable to divorce anymore. A huge mistake many couples make is to neglect their relationship due to busyness in their lives. They seem to be on track for living separate lives and do not learn to communicate with each other on a meaningful level nor resolve conflict in a satisfactory way. One of the partners then suddenly wakes up one day and gets mad that he or she is not experiencing the type of relationship desired yet has not made a committed effort to do their part to invest in the marriage along the way. Newlywed couples especially now seem to find marriage harder than they expected. It is becoming more and more evident that couples not only need pre-marital preparation but an on-going support system and good models to make marriage work.
While we may have preserved marriage as an institution for now, we as a nation need to individually address our own marriages in order to preserve marriage for future generations. If your marriage is not a mutually satisfying and supportive relationship, I encourage you to get help – read some books, attend a marriage conference, find a more mature couple to mentor you, or seek a marriage counselor. I challenge you: what is the “state of your marriage”?
