Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2005.
There are basically three types of parenting styles – permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative. Depending on which one a parent may practice may have a significant outcome on their child’s character development. As I will explain, the permissive parent and the authoritarian parent both get out of balance – the permissive parent in love and the authoritarian parent in rules, whereas the authoritative parent strikes the right balance between the two.
Permissiveness is a style of parenting which does not impose age appropriate limits on a child’s behavior. It is usually rooted in the parent’s inability to tolerate their child’s anger or unhappiness. One root of the problem is the parent’s need for a child’s closeness or affection to meet their own unmet needs. The child is unwittingly used to bring warmth and love to the parent. This is the reverse of what parenting should be: the parent should give love and affection to the child with no return expectations. Making the child responsible for the parent’s happiness is a huge responsibility. The child will do it because children come into this world hungry for relationship.
Another underlying reason for permissiveness is the parent’s over-identification with the child’s pain, fear or loneliness because they confuse their own painful feelings with their child’s. For example, a mother who was abandoned emotionally as a child might interpret her child’s protest at leaving on a date night with her husband as abandoning her child. The difference is – her child has not been abandoned but is doing what children are supposed to do – protest if they don’t like something. Regardless of the source of the problem, the permissive parent has trouble saying no to their child’s protests or steps in to rescue them from suffering. These parents think love means rotating their lives around their children. Like helicopters, they hover over their children and rescue them whenever trouble arises. While these parents think they are easing their children’s paths to adulthood, these children are usually unequipped for life.
The other unbalanced style of parenting is authoritarianism. These parents are like drill sergeants. They also love their children and are determined to show it by disciplining them. Their words are filled with anger, put downs, commands, and I-told-you-so’s. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times!” or “Shut up and go to your room!” they may bark. The underlying message they send their kids is that they’re dumb and cannot think for themselves. When small children rebel, drill sergeant parents can quash a rebellion with a stern order or punishment. But when adolescents rebel, parental orders become unenforceable. Anytime a parent explodes in anger when a child does something wrong (e.g, loses book, makes a bad grade), the child learns their behavior makes an adult mad. The child gets angry in return, rather than learning from the experience. These children do not learn to think and are as dependent on their parents as the helicopter kids.
The preferred style of parenting – the authoritative style – strikes the right balance by giving the child the understanding he or she needs while at the same time enforcing the limit. This type of parent can tolerate their child’s protests without reacting emotionally themselves. They stay calm and contain their child’s protests by offering empathy. Empathy is the ability to “feel with” or identify their child’s emotions, validating that it is all right their child expresses anger or fear or pain. Yet the parent stays calm, sets the limit and offers a choice to the child. This is the right kind of love because it fills up a child inside and meets their relational needs. Yet it also teaches their child about reality. For example, a parent may say to a toddler who tries to hit them with a ball, “People are not for hitting. You may hit the tree, or I will play catch with you.” The emotions are removed while the child is forced to think. Or a parent might say to a teen who fails a test, “I’m so sorry. I hate it when I do badly myself. What are you going to do about it?” This again forces the child to think and solve his own problem.
The authoritative parent stays calm but firm. The child learns to grieve their loss and move on. They learn the valuable lesson they cannot make reality change, but at the same time they are satisfied with their parent’s loving understanding. This style of parenting teaches toleration of frustration and is a valuable way to instill character in a child.
