As a marriage counselor I have noticed how much time and attention have been devoted to the preparations for the wedding but how little have been devoted to the preparation for the marriage itself. In fact, the wedding plans can seem to take on a life of their own and the couple can easily lose perspective of their future relationship.
Recent statistics show that marital satisfaction begins to drop in the first 4 years of marriage and by the end of 5 years of marriage, 19% of couples will be divorced. One survey found that 40% of newlyweds found marriage harder than they had expected and also felt that their partner had become more critical after marriage. It is becoming more and more evident that couples not only need pre-marital preparation but an on-going support system to make marriage work. (Prepare-Enrich, 2003)
One reason for some post-marital distress is the marriage myth that you can take all positive things from your family of origin and leave behind all the negative things and in effect have a fresh start. Wrong! In actuality, you bring it all into the marriage. In fact, the sources of much of the conflict or unhappiness are what I call pre-morbid factors, such as crises, poor relationships, and unresolved conflicts from the past. Another reason for distress is that the rose colored glasses come off that have filtered in the positive things about the other person and filtered out the negative things. When these glasses come off, the true person emerges, warts and all. Sometimes this is immediately, even on the honeymoon, or in the few months that follow. This is even true of live-in couples, who think they have gotten to know each other well, but they have just postponed this process of letting their guard down completely because the uncertainty of the commitment. An additional reason for distress following marriage is the myth that another person can make you whole. Unless a person is happy being single, it is unlikely he or she will be happy being married. The best thing a person can do to prepare for marriage is to become an emotionally healthy individual.
I like to recommend pre-marital counseling at least six months prior to the wedding. This way the relationship of the couple can be explored without the competing pressure of the wedding plans. Also, if a couple discover that they need to break or postpone the engagement, they usually have not made such extensive plans that they find it almost impossible to back out of them. A good pre-marital counselor will usually explore the couple’s goals and expectations of the marriage, their families of origin and how they plan to blend them, their personality and gender differences, their communication skills and ability to resolve conflict, and their financial plans and how they view money. Even with good pre-marital counseling, the most important benefit is that they have someone to whom they can return if they encounter difficulty a few months or years into the marriage. The expectations of marriage rarely match the reality of what is actually experienced. So if you do not have pre-marital counseling, do get counseling after the marriage if you encounter problems – the earlier the better. If problems are allowed to fester, they can become worse as time goes on with the couple becoming polarized in seemingly entrenched stances.
So much of what we see and hear about marriage these days is negative. It seems the “for better or for worse” takes on the “for worse” part. But the “for better” part can be a wonderful relationship that can provide our most basic need of a loving attachment to another human being. The commitment aspect of marriage underlies this secure attachment. The sexual aspect of marriage sets it apart from other relationships and can be a continual source of pleasure and a way of connecting for years to come. And the intimacy aspect of marriage can be that of soul mates who know and are known by each other. This is where communication skills are so important. Some couples are so afraid of conflict, especially if it was not modeled properly in their families, that they avoid it at all costs. But conflict handled in the right way can actually increase intimacy.
It was once thought that the ability to resolve conflict was the best predictor of marital satisfaction. But the most recent research indicates the best predecitors to be the wife’s ability to be soothing and have a “softened start-up” when approaching her husband and the husband’s being able to tolerate and respond to his wife’s negative emotion. (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, July 2003) It is vital that couples stay emotionally engaged and actively responding to one another. It seems the age old biblical principles still work – “wives, respect your husbands” (translated, do not nag or attempt to control them) and “husbands, understand your wives” (translated, listen to them, do not withdraw from them or just try to fix their problem).
In conclusion, couples who are planning to marry, please work on the relationship. A good relationship will not just magically happen. Think of being married as becoming a team together, with each fitting their plans to one another. If each selfishly lives their own life without regard to how it effects the other, they miss out on the marvelous support and comfort that marriage can provide.
(Note: If you cannot obtain adequate pre-marital counseling, I recommend you do some reading on the subject. Some books I would recommend are Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, and Fighting for Your Marriage, by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg.)
