Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2005.
Have you wondered if you have a healthy marriage? If you would like to get a check-up on your marriage, I would offer that there are several vital signs that determine its health. In fact, as a therapist, I usually identify the stages of marital conflict much like the stages of cancer. Couples in Stage I have a low level of conflict whereas couples in Stage IV have extremely high levels. Also, a definitive marker for Stage IV is the engagement of an attorney by one or both spouses. This move usually closes the door on reconciliation and places the marriage in an adversarial context. Unfortunately, most couples who come to therapy come in Stage III – and most often in its late stage – which makes it almost impossible to save the marriage. It would be better if couples could recognize the warning signs of a troubled marriage and get help earlier when recovery is more likely. Or better yet, why not take preventative measures to ensure the health of your marriage?
One of the first signs to check is your level of functioning when you entered the marriage. The more problematic your family’s history, the more stress you bring into the marriage. This is especially so if you have had a previous marriage. You simply cannot leave behind all the bad things with hopes of starting afresh with only the good things – you bring everything. So the degree to which you have dealt with your past determines how much baggage you bring into the marriage.
Often marital discord is organized around a particular issue which must be addressed and resolved. Though there can be an array of issues, the most prominent are the big four: money, sex, parenting, and in-laws. Discussions about expectations in these areas are important, rather than assuming your spouse has the same views. Since these issues often involve the distribution of power and control and influence, it is important that each partner is satisfied with his or her role. For example, one person may take charge of managing and dispersing the money, as long it is agreeable to the other.
As for your relationship with your spouse, two areas are critical for nurturing and maintaining the relationship: 1) communication and 2) relationship time and activity. Communication involves both the exchange of factual information as well as the ability to share your personal thoughts and feelings. Relationship time and activity are measures of your investment in the relationship. And the two most important currencies in the marital economy are time and sexual compatibility. Time can be spent in some shared activity, such as going to a movie, but it also needs to be spent in working on the relationship by “being there” for each other and interacting on a personal level. Also, maintaining a healthy sex life is vital to a marriage and its presence is often a reflection of the couple’s level of intimacy. Many couples routinely ignore the need to nurture their marriage and just automatically expect their spouses to make them happy.
Another sign of a healthy marriage is the emotional climate that surrounds the relationship. In a safe atmosphere, people are relaxed and open rather than tense and guarded. It is safe to be oneself, to be vulnerable, and to approach your partner for connection or support. The temperature can vary from frigid to superheated. At a normal temperature, people do not withdraw in cold silence or routinely retreat to their own spaces, and when they do engage, they do not easily react in anger to one another. In a turbulent atmosphere, there is a large amount of active conflict, marked by reactivity, high levels of criticism and defensiveness. In a stable environment, marriage is not conflict free but is marked by the ability to resolve conflict in a calm and respectful manner.
So take your pulse. See if the temperature of your marriage is normal. Make sure conflict is not escalating, causing your blood pressure to rise. And if you detect your relationship time and activity level declining, start exercising your way back to health.
