The Four Horsemen

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2006.

Just as there are the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in the Bible who foreshadow the end times, there are “four horsemen” in marriage therapy who foreshadow the end of a marriage. They are not the end themselves but are strong warning signs that the end is near.

John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail . . . and How You Can Make Yours Last, coined this metaphor. He discovered in his groundbreaking research at the University of Washington that surprisingly the extent to which couples argued was unrelated to whether they divorced. Instead, what mattered was how couples treated each other, especially during the arguments. He says these patterns of mistreatment produce what he calls a “cascade” effect – a downward negative spiral leading with a kind of inevitability to divorce.

The first of these horsemen is criticism. Criticism involves attacking someone’s personality or character – rather than a specific behavior – usually with blame. Airing a complaint against a specific behavior, on the other hand, is actually one of the healthiest activities that can occur in a marriage. The difference is that a complaint is a specific comment about a situation you wish were otherwise. For example, a complaint might be, “We don’t go out as much as I’d like,” vs. a criticism such as, “You never take me anywhere.” Notice even the use of language: a complaint usually involves an “I” statement, expressing a personal opinion about the matter, rather than a “You” statement. “You” statements generally sound accusatory and are especially destructive if coupled with words such as “should” or “ought” or “never” or “always”– all generalizations. When criticisms begin to become pervasive, it usually heralds the arrival of the next more foreboding horseman - contempt.

What separates the second horseman contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Fueling these actions are negative thoughts about the partner, such as, he or she is stupid, disgusting, incompetent, or a fool. The opposite of contempt is admiration. The contempt seems to overrun the positive aspects of the marriage and tends to destabilize it. Among the most common signs of contempt are insults and name-calling, hostile humor, sarcasm, and body language, such as sneering and rolling your eyes.

Once contempt arrives at a home, the third horseman – defensiveness – follows close behind. What usually happens is if one partner acts contemptuously, the other responds defensively, which just makes matters worse. Now both feel victimized. Of course, it’s easy to understand that if you feel attacked, your natural inclination is to defend. But the attack-and-defend mode tends to escalate a conflict rather than resolve anything.

Eventually, one partner usually becomes exhausted and overwhelmed by the attacks and stops responding or offers monosyllabic utterings or changes the subject. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Hence the name of the fourth horseman – stonewalling. The stonewaller just removes himself by turning into a stone wall. Most stonewallers (85%) are men, usually because men tend to be more physiologically overwhelmed by the flooding of emotions. They think they are preventing further conflict by not communicating but they are instead powerfully communicating, sending the message: “I am withdrawing or disengaging from any meaningful interaction with you.” Once the fourth horseman becomes a regular resident, it takes a good deal of hard work and soul searching to save the marriage. However, these horsemen can become instead a wake-up call for a couple, making them aware of what they are doing and hopefully, can give them an urgency to change the way they are treating each other.

(Note: Gottman recently added a fifth horseman – belligerence – to his list. This distorts the original metaphor but adds even more insight to the warning signs of divorce.)

A Little Less Talk and a Lot More Action

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2006.

In today’s modern world it seems we are being bombarded with constant communication – with e-mail, cell phones, text messaging, Facebook, etc . It’s not uncommon to see many people “plugged in” at all times, even multi-tasking by working, attending class, checking out of stores, or talking to you while sending messages to someone else. Is it possible that we seem to be communicating more and more yet we are connecting with people less and less? I think that to be the case.

One reason I believe we are not truly connecting amidst all the apparent chatter is that in our electronic world we are missing some key ingredients for true communication. When communication has been analyzed in the laboratory, it has been found that only 7% of what we convey is contained in the content, that is, the actual words we say. It has been found that 38% of communication is connected to sound of our voice – the loudness or softness with which we speak, the fastness or slowness, the speech tones and inflections, or the level of tension. Then an amazing 55% of communication is found in our body language – our facial expressions and body movements, including small hand and muscle movements, our eye contact, our breathing rate, our posture shifts, and even our closeness or distance from others.

I hope you can see that in electronic communication we are missing the majority of true communication – the nonverbals which show our emotions. It might be said that talking on the phone is better than texting or sending e-mails, since at least the sound of someone’s voice is available. However, even phone communication is still missing over half of the ingredients that give us the full picture of someone’s message. A novel gets around these issues by describing in detail the sound of someone’s voice and their body language. And a skilled communicator could convey some of these by their use of descriptive words in their message. But this is rare since most people use broken sentences and symbols to convey quick, often disjointed, messages.

Another reason people seem to be connecting less and less is their lack of time and effort to develop close relationships. Communication that is connecting involves getting beneath the surface of small talk or shop talk and unveiling your deeper thoughts, your emotions and your desires. This level of communication must be done in the context of a safe and caring environment. It involves vulnerability which must be reciprocated. Also, making eye contact adds depth to this connection, as our eyes are often considered the windows to our souls.

Can you see how in our hectic world we are losing our ability to communicate? It is well known that babies cannot thrive without the physical touch of being held and the soothing sound of a human voice. I contend that the majority of people are suffering with this loss of true connection. They feel empty and lost and do not know why. The busyness of electronic communication is a poor substitute for the real thing. It only seems to give the illusion that we are close to others. As much as possible, I encourage you to limit electronic communication for business purposes and for the exchange of information. But in your personal life, be sure you are involved, one on one, with real people with whom you can truly connect. How about having “a little less talk and a lot more action!”

Red Flags for Dating Relationships

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2006.

Recently I wrote an article profiling an abuser (see “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” – May 2006). It occurred to me that many might read that article and wonder how to avoid such relationships. Therefore, I decided to give you some red flags to alert you to these types of abusers. Unfortunately, many women often get deeply involved with these men and cannot see clearly what is happening. That is why it is good for family members and close friends to know these red flags and attempt to point these out to their relative or friend.

Dating violence is a serious danger. In fact, it is one of the major sources of violence in teen life, affecting as many as one in four teenage couples. Since the majority of dating violence victims are females, I will refer to them mainly, but do remember there are some young men who are victims of abusive girlfriends who use emotional and verbal abuse to control and intimidate. One red flag is that many who enter dating relationships interpret their partner’s possessiveness and violence as a sign of love. They have either seen violence or manipulation as a way of life at home, or they have not been taught about healthy relationships.

Dating violence is not just physical abuse, which might include hitting, pushing, shoving, kicking, slapping, holding you down, or treating you roughly. It also includes verbal and emotional abuse. Many girls are controlled by their boyfriends by having to carry cell phones so they can check in with them several times a day and night. So remember that a huge red flag is the abuser’s monopolizing your time and attention, preventing you from hanging out with friends and family. In a healthy relationship, there should be freedom to come and go as you please as well as having a variety of interests, activities, and other relationships.

Another red flag is if your boyfriend tells you how to dress or how much makeup to wear or how to do your hair. He may accuse you of cheating on him every time you look at or talk to another guy. He may pressure you into having sex. He may blame you for bringing out the worst in him and convince you it’s all your fault. He may make you feel you can’t do anything right and that no one else would want you.

An important red flag is if he has an explosive temper. Notice if he uses aggressive behavior in other areas of his life, such as punching holes in walls, slamming doors, breaking things, throwing stuff, or driving recklessly. Notice if he embarrasses or makes fun of you in front of your friends. Does he put down your accomplishments or goals? Does he use intimidation or threats to get his way? Does he change from a loving, caring person into a hateful, sarcastic jerk with little or no warning? Do you walk on eggshells because you never know what might set him off?

Lastly, one of the biggest red flags is if your boyfriend brings you flowers and acts romantic after each violent argument and promises to never hurt you again. Yet he does.

Some important questions to ask include: Is the relationship all about him? Does he always have to be right? In healthy relationships, both partners treat each other as independent human beings and respect each other’s feelings and opinions.

Many teenagers don’t tell their parents about an abusive relationship because they are confused about what constitutes abuse, they don’t want to lose their freedom, and they may fear they cannot get another boyfriend. But the wise parent will actively seek to strengthen communication between themselves and their teenagers and learn to watch for danger signs.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2006.

Why does Prince Charming sometimes turn into a terrifying beast even before the honeymoon is over? Some women report similar personality changes in their husbands in the first few months of marriage. Imagine the horror of discovering that your dream man is really Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – a nice, charming, caring man in public, but an angry, domineering abuser at home.

It can be difficult to profile an abuser. Many abusers are very charming, well-dressed, cultured people who act one way in public and another way in private. Often during the dating stage, they put their best foot forward. There are certainly some men who are victims of abusive women who use emotional and verbal abuse to control and intimidate. However, since the majority of abusers are men, I will refer to them as such in the remainder of the article, but do keep in mind the reverse is possible.

The woman who lives with an abuser is confused by the double messages he sends, and is often not believed by friends, relatives or pastors when she describes what really goes on at home. As she begins to doubt her own perceptions, she blames herself for the problems and even works harder to please the abuser in hopes of gaining his approval. However, this is a game that can never be won. Once she changes a certain behavior to please him, he will find something else to target. Since nothing she does pleases him, she begins to doubt her ability to function as a wife or mother. Usually, it is when she starts doubting her own sanity that she reaches out for help.

Some of the telltale signs of an abusive relationship include: 1) He uses his male privilege as being the head of the house to make all the rules and decisions, treating his wife as a servant or a child. He obsesses on her “duties” as a wife. 2) He believes that her opinions and feelings have no value and her needs are not important. 3) He is charming and well-liked in public but the family has to “walk on eggshells” to prevent making him angry. 4) He yells, belittles, threatens, or sulks when he does not get his way or when she does something to displease him. 5) She feels confused and off-balance when without warning he changes from being loving and kind to angry and cruel. 6) No matter how much she changes or tries to please him, he is never satisfied. She feels inadequate and guilty and believes it must be her fault. She begins to wonder if she is going crazy. 7) He is possessive and jealous, especially when she talks and associates with other men. Sometimes he acts jealous of the time she spends with the children. He may try to restrict her activities and make her a prisoner in her own home. 8) Because of his possessiveness, she may disassociate from family and friends in order to keep him happy. She needs these relationships, but it is more important for her to keep the peace. 9) When anything goes wrong, he always blames her. If she were more submissive, more sensitive to his needs, more like so-and-so’s wife, etc., then all their problems would be solved. He sees himself as a good husband for putting up with her. He is blind to his own faults and does not take responsibility for his own actions. 10) He controls the money, giving her a small allowance, preventing her from getting a job, or making her ask for money and demanding a full accounting of what was spent. This often leaves her trapped without the means to leave or get help. 11) He may use the children to convey messages or threaten to take them away or abuse them. 12) When he is displeased and does not get his way, he yells, hurls insults, breaks or throws objects, or is physically violent. He may threaten to hurt or kill or commit suicide.

If you are in a relationship with most of these characteristics present, seek help immediately from a pastor or therapist who understands the dynamics of abuse. Don’t be continually lured back into the abusive cycle by gifts and flowers and empty promises. You are not in a healthy relationship nor are you modeling one for your children.

Qualities of a Good Marriage

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta's Wedding Issue in 2006.

For so long the trend has been to fall in love, marry, and just hope for the best. The truth is, most engaged couples prepare more for their wedding than they do for their marriage. Somehow they think that marriage will just magically happen and they will “live happily ever after.” But the alarming statistics are that marital dissatisfaction is happening sooner than ever before, with many couples experiencing serious problems within the first two years. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Having a good marriage can become less of a mystery if people would become more purposeful in educating themselves and preparing for marriage. Also, after marrying, if couples would seek help sooner, at the first signs of marital distress, rather than later, they could avoid having unhappiness set in with the accompanying desire of one or both partners just to leave the marriage.

Often if you ask people what makes a good marriage, nearly 90% of them say “being in love.” But if you ask them to list the essential ingredients, in a survey of 1000 people, no single item was mentioned by at least half of the group. In other words, most people can’t agree on what love is. Or they don’t know. In past centuries the topic of love used to belong to the poets and philosophers. Chaucer even said, “Love is blind.” But today that is not an excuse. The blindfolds have come off and the subject of love has been researched and put to scrutiny in the laboratory. Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, perhaps the premier authority on communication skills today, has used high-tech equipment and a team of researchers to study marriage for more than twenty years. His team is able to predict which marriages will improve and which ones will deteriorate with a 95% accuracy rate. Dr. Gottman can spot and track a couple’s marital breakdown by observing how they handle conflict.

So what are the qualities of a good marriage? Robert Sternberg, a Yale University psychologist, has developed what he calls the “triangular model,” which I believe is one of the most encompassing views of marriage to date. In his view, love is a triangle with three foundational sides: passion, intimacy, and commitment. I use this model often in a first session with married couples. I usually get both spouses to rate themselves in each category on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest level of each, in order to gauge the current condition of the marriage.

According to Sternberg, passion is the motivational side of marriage – that intense desire for physical affection that draws a couple together initially. Passion can be almost possessive, fostering a fascination that borders on obsession. It drives couples to an extreme level of preoccupation with one another, to the point they can’t bear to tear themselves apart. In the February 2006 issue of National Geographic, the lead story is “Love – A Chemical Reaction.” It has actually been proven that a chemical reaction takes place in the brain involving the release of dopamine. And brain scans of people in love match those of people who have obsessive-compulsive disorder. However, this effect is shown to wear off in everyone, usually in approximately 1 ½ years. So for the couples who believe they have found their one true love and nothing can break this magic spell, great disillusionment can set in when this stage wears off. However, the article offers hope. It says that the couple can move “from the dopamine-drenched state of romantic love to the relative quiet of an oxytocin-induced attachment.” Ocytocin is a hormone that promotes a feeling of connection or bonding. It is released when we hug each other, when a mother nurses her infant, or when someone has an orgasm. In relationships that fail, “chances are the couple has not found a way to stimulate or sustain oxytocin production.”

The second leg of Sternberg’s triangle is intimacy, which is the emotional side of love’s triangle. Pure passion is self-seeking until it is linked with intimacy. One cannot sustain a relationship over the long haul without really knowing a person. Intimacy has a “best friend” aspect to the marriage. In fact, the lack of intimacy is the number one enemy of marriage. Without it, people can live under the same roof and lead parallel lives but will be isolated and lonely. Intimacy hinges on sharing deep thoughts and feelings, on good communication, on honesty and support.

The third leg of love’s triangle is commitment, which is the cognitive side of marriage. Commitment looks toward an uncertain future and says “for better or worse” and promises to be there “until death.” It also is a decision to “forsake all others.” Commitment gives our partner security, which is essential to married love. Without commitment, people can wander aimlessly and helplessly in and out of relationships, which unfortunately many do.

These three essential qualities vary over time and from person to person. Two partners can even be out of sync with one feeling loving towards the other while the spouse feels unloved. But it is so important to know, especially early on, that the passion that begins a marriage cannot sustain a marriage. Love will undergo numerous changes and evolve into many different forms over a lifetime together. Accepting love’s ebb and flow can allow you to relax and enjoy its many manifestations. But it is important to know that all three qualities are necessary to have a consummate love, which should be the goal of marriage. It is a goal to attain and then maintain, giving attention to each side of love’s triangle. It usually occurs later in the marriage and is worth working and waiting for. You know when it happens because at those graceful moments, both partners experience the same rhythm, like in a dance, of passion, intimacy and commitment at the same time.

The Perils of Perfectionism

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2006.

On first glance, you might say: “what’s wrong with perfectionism?” Isn’t that what Americans are taught to strive for? Our society certainly does value perfect looks as well as achievement of high standards in business, academia and athletics. And parents and teachers alike praise and reward perfectionist children. What may be unknown is that there can be some perils to perfectionism.

On the outside perfectionists are those people who appear to have high standards and pursue excellence. They seem to be full of energy and enthusiasm and to have a positive self-image. However, perfectionism often covers anxiety, fears, poor relationships, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, rage, depression, and suicidal impulses. These people struggle with the same problems as those who are under-achievers, who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, and who act out with violent or destructive behavior. The major difference is that society rewards the perfectionists and frowns on the those who are addicted, often viewing the latter as weak or lacking in self-control.

A way to know if someone’s perfectionism is not healthy is to determine if they set unrealistic high standards and are continuously upset with self-criticism, concern over mistakes, and doubts about doing the right thing. It is not good if their sense of self worth seems to depend entirely on their performance and production. For example, the straight A student becomes completely distraught over making a B or the premier athlete cannot shake off making a bad play in the game. This is not to say there is no room for disappointment when a person with high standards makes a mistake. But the difference is that a person who has healthy standards can be upset and disappointed when they mess up but can also recover and be forgiving of themselves. They don’t continue to carry the shame and guilt about failing for an extended period of time. They can also relax and enjoy other aspects of life, such as fun activities or relating to friends. They do not see life as black or white – as complete success or complete failure.

It is very difficult to give up the relentless pursuit of perfectionism, speaking as a recovering perfectionist myself. But one of the ways to do it is to recognize that all of us are human, which inherently means that we make mistakes and that we cannot say or do the right thing at all times and have everyone like us. Also, being loved and accepted by others for who we are and not just what we do – even if it’s by only one significant person in our life – can free us to accept ourselves. Loving friends, family members, teachers and church groups can do this for us. They can also begin to recognize the possible perils of perfectionism and see some inherent dangers in it, rather than automatically to assume it is a positive trait and reward, or even worse, demand it.

The Switchboard

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2006.

My good friend Charlice Gillespie often recounted wonderful tales of growing up in the small town of Inverness in the 1920's. One of her stories had to do with the local telephone switchboard operator. To make a phone call back then, everyone had to go through the switchboard operator, who as you can guess possessed a wealth of information. Charlice says that the operator would often inform people of each other’s whereabouts. She recounts attempting to call her friend and the operator informed her the friend had gone to lunch and she would need to call back later. Another time she tried to call home from college at night, and the operator told her that it was too late to be calling her parents because they might be asleep and to call back in the morning.

Obviously, we don’t have or need switchboards of that kind today in our world of cell phones with instant and direct communication. In fact, a young person might not even know what one is. The closest semblance might be automated voice mail. Telephone switchboards with human operators are a thing of the past. But families often have a semblance of the old telephone switchboard operating in their relationships. By this I mean that one member of the family, usually a mother or a grandmother, acts as the switchboard operator. This person receives all the information and then distributes it to other family members, including spouse, children, or extended relatives. This can be a great position for the person who operates the switchboard, for she is “in the know” and gets to relate to all the members. But it can be detrimental to other relationships in the family – the reason being that they do not have their own relationship with each person.

While it is natural for a mother or grandmother to be the switchboard operator in their families, for women by nature are keepers of relationships, I would encourage these carriers of information to widen their circle. The reason is that it promotes healthier families for each member to have their own access to other members. This does not take away from the person at the switchboard having full, rich relationships with anyone. I encourage that. But it allows for more security and connection for all members. Then if the switchboard operator is not there one day, the family won’t drift apart, as some do, nor will they have to struggle so hard to re-negotiate their relationships.

When I discovered this principle, I found myself operating the switchboard in my family, as my mother before me had done. I recall my mother relaying to me what my dad thought or said. Looking back I wish I had known him more intimately myself. I then began to encourage my family members to establish their own connections with each other. My husband now phones our grown children and initiates outings with them. Sometimes the children call me and sometimes they call him. My children each stay in contact with each other. I don’t always get all the information, but I have the assurance that they all care for each other and would be all right should something happen to me. I encourage you to promote these healthy connections in your family as well. Do so by making the position of the switchboard operator obsolete in your family just as it is in today’s world.