Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2006.
Why does Prince Charming sometimes turn into a terrifying beast even before the honeymoon is over? Some women report similar personality changes in their husbands in the first few months of marriage. Imagine the horror of discovering that your dream man is really Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – a nice, charming, caring man in public, but an angry, domineering abuser at home.
It can be difficult to profile an abuser. Many abusers are very charming, well-dressed, cultured people who act one way in public and another way in private. Often during the dating stage, they put their best foot forward. There are certainly some men who are victims of abusive women who use emotional and verbal abuse to control and intimidate. However, since the majority of abusers are men, I will refer to them as such in the remainder of the article, but do keep in mind the reverse is possible.
The woman who lives with an abuser is confused by the double messages he sends, and is often not believed by friends, relatives or pastors when she describes what really goes on at home. As she begins to doubt her own perceptions, she blames herself for the problems and even works harder to please the abuser in hopes of gaining his approval. However, this is a game that can never be won. Once she changes a certain behavior to please him, he will find something else to target. Since nothing she does pleases him, she begins to doubt her ability to function as a wife or mother. Usually, it is when she starts doubting her own sanity that she reaches out for help.
Some of the telltale signs of an abusive relationship include: 1) He uses his male privilege as being the head of the house to make all the rules and decisions, treating his wife as a servant or a child. He obsesses on her “duties” as a wife. 2) He believes that her opinions and feelings have no value and her needs are not important. 3) He is charming and well-liked in public but the family has to “walk on eggshells” to prevent making him angry. 4) He yells, belittles, threatens, or sulks when he does not get his way or when she does something to displease him. 5) She feels confused and off-balance when without warning he changes from being loving and kind to angry and cruel. 6) No matter how much she changes or tries to please him, he is never satisfied. She feels inadequate and guilty and believes it must be her fault. She begins to wonder if she is going crazy. 7) He is possessive and jealous, especially when she talks and associates with other men. Sometimes he acts jealous of the time she spends with the children. He may try to restrict her activities and make her a prisoner in her own home. 8) Because of his possessiveness, she may disassociate from family and friends in order to keep him happy. She needs these relationships, but it is more important for her to keep the peace. 9) When anything goes wrong, he always blames her. If she were more submissive, more sensitive to his needs, more like so-and-so’s wife, etc., then all their problems would be solved. He sees himself as a good husband for putting up with her. He is blind to his own faults and does not take responsibility for his own actions. 10) He controls the money, giving her a small allowance, preventing her from getting a job, or making her ask for money and demanding a full accounting of what was spent. This often leaves her trapped without the means to leave or get help. 11) He may use the children to convey messages or threaten to take them away or abuse them. 12) When he is displeased and does not get his way, he yells, hurls insults, breaks or throws objects, or is physically violent. He may threaten to hurt or kill or commit suicide.
If you are in a relationship with most of these characteristics present, seek help immediately from a pastor or therapist who understands the dynamics of abuse. Don’t be continually lured back into the abusive cycle by gifts and flowers and empty promises. You are not in a healthy relationship nor are you modeling one for your children.
