Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2006.
Recently I wrote an article profiling an abuser (see “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” – May 2006). It occurred to me that many might read that article and wonder how to avoid such relationships. Therefore, I decided to give you some red flags to alert you to these types of abusers. Unfortunately, many women often get deeply involved with these men and cannot see clearly what is happening. That is why it is good for family members and close friends to know these red flags and attempt to point these out to their relative or friend.
Dating violence is a serious danger. In fact, it is one of the major sources of violence in teen life, affecting as many as one in four teenage couples. Since the majority of dating violence victims are females, I will refer to them mainly, but do remember there are some young men who are victims of abusive girlfriends who use emotional and verbal abuse to control and intimidate. One red flag is that many who enter dating relationships interpret their partner’s possessiveness and violence as a sign of love. They have either seen violence or manipulation as a way of life at home, or they have not been taught about healthy relationships.
Dating violence is not just physical abuse, which might include hitting, pushing, shoving, kicking, slapping, holding you down, or treating you roughly. It also includes verbal and emotional abuse. Many girls are controlled by their boyfriends by having to carry cell phones so they can check in with them several times a day and night. So remember that a huge red flag is the abuser’s monopolizing your time and attention, preventing you from hanging out with friends and family. In a healthy relationship, there should be freedom to come and go as you please as well as having a variety of interests, activities, and other relationships.
Another red flag is if your boyfriend tells you how to dress or how much makeup to wear or how to do your hair. He may accuse you of cheating on him every time you look at or talk to another guy. He may pressure you into having sex. He may blame you for bringing out the worst in him and convince you it’s all your fault. He may make you feel you can’t do anything right and that no one else would want you.
An important red flag is if he has an explosive temper. Notice if he uses aggressive behavior in other areas of his life, such as punching holes in walls, slamming doors, breaking things, throwing stuff, or driving recklessly. Notice if he embarrasses or makes fun of you in front of your friends. Does he put down your accomplishments or goals? Does he use intimidation or threats to get his way? Does he change from a loving, caring person into a hateful, sarcastic jerk with little or no warning? Do you walk on eggshells because you never know what might set him off?
Lastly, one of the biggest red flags is if your boyfriend brings you flowers and acts romantic after each violent argument and promises to never hurt you again. Yet he does.
Some important questions to ask include: Is the relationship all about him? Does he always have to be right? In healthy relationships, both partners treat each other as independent human beings and respect each other’s feelings and opinions.
Many teenagers don’t tell their parents about an abusive relationship because they are confused about what constitutes abuse, they don’t want to lose their freedom, and they may fear they cannot get another boyfriend. But the wise parent will actively seek to strengthen communication between themselves and their teenagers and learn to watch for danger signs.
