Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2007.
The process of forming secure attachments between a child and his or her parents begins the first year of life. If there is an attentive loving responsiveness of caregivers in the first few years of life, children become securely attached and develop a healthy sense of self in the world. Since this process is so important, I am going to give some tips on how to go about establishing this secure attachment.
Attachment is like dancing partners who develop dance moves based on cues and signals. Babies and caregivers develop their attachment in this same way – by cues and signals. When parents are sensitive to the baby’s cues for help and when they respond in a reasonably responsive and caring way, the baby is likely to decide life is safe and good. Babies cry for several reasons: because they are hungry, wet, tired, in pain, or overstimulated. Guideline: always try to comfort a crying baby. Babies cry only from discomfort and not with the intent to anger or manipulate their parents. Parents who are not aware of the importance of responding gently and positively to their infant’s discomfort may inadvertently teach them to cry harder and more intensely. Eventually they may stop crying because they have abandoned hope that help will come.
Some parents of newborns are pleased to be needed and helpful. But others feel trapped and burdened. The latter may be home all the time, but they are emotionally unavailable. If this is the case, it is a sign that the parent needs help for his or her own emotional problems. On the other hand, the parent does not need to be overly attentive and not accomplish household chores or spend time with their spouse. The key word is “reasonably” – to be reasonably responsive. A good way to explain it is that parents are “on call” for their babies without devoting their entire lives to them. It’s really more of the attitude of the parent that the child picks up on.
The reality is that children thrive better if they have at least one parent available for them the majority of the time until age 3. Quality time (vs. quantity), despite its popularity, does not result in the highest possible quality of life for young children. Children will not be harmed if both parents work full-time, but they will benefit enormously if they do have one parent available to them most of the day. If both parents do have to work, there are some things they can do to minimize this time away, such as try to stagger hours, have in-home care with the same caring person, and if they use daycare try to find a setting with low staff turnover and a high ratio of staff to children. Also, they can make the time they do have with their infant a positive experience and take seriously any changes in their child’s mood or behavior.
Some signs that an infant has inner unhappiness are: (1) not smiling – smiling is the hallmark of the 3-9 month old, and (2) inability to go to sleep and stay asleep. When an infant cries, try to comfort him or her and keep returning until they learn their cries will be responded to. If your infant is not smiling regularly or has difficulty sleeping, rethink their daily experience.
The first year is a time for a baby to learn to explore. Try to baby proof the house so the baby can safely do so. Gently redirect the baby when s/he is going after something s/he can’t have. This protects the baby’s confidence and curiosity.To sum up, the first year is not a time to discipline or set rigid schedules. It is a time to be available and responsive and to foster secure attachment. There is the mistaken belief by some that parenting can be slipped into an already busy life of work, hobbies, and a social agenda. However, if parents will sacrifice for the first 3-5 years, as the child grows older, they will have more time to meet personal needs and the children will be well-launched on their journey toward a happy and meaningful life.
