Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2007.
As you leave behind the joys of your baby’s first year as an infant and approach toddler hood, did you know that ages 1-3 can be a time of great joy instead of the great terror to which many parents testify? A child this age will begin to make lightning progress in learning to negotiate the world by walking and talking. If you are aware of some important developmental needs of your child at this age, I believe you can instill in your child an inner happiness that is unshakable that can sustain him or her throughout life.
First, it is important to know that your child continues to need your focused attention during this time period, just as during their first year. After this time, he or she will begin to turn their focus to the outside world and need less of your attention, that is, once they are confident of their parent’s loving response. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics recently released a report that emphasized that the basic engagement between parent and child is what gives children the security they need to explore the world as well as improve their brain development, rather than signing up for an activity or buying a certain product. They suggested active interaction between parents and children, using reading, singing, talking, cuddling, and playing, and the use of toys such as blocks, basic dolls, art supplies and books that foster imagination.
Secondly, an important developmental thing to know about your toddler is his or her belief in their all-powerful self. He believes he can do or have anything. For example, your toddler may say he can fly, carry a heavy suitcase, or play basketball like the pros. It is best just to humor him, knowing he will outgrow this stage later. This belief in their all-powerful self is the root of their self-confidence later. (By the way, this stage repeats itself in the teen years. If you negotiate this stage well in toddler hood, it will be easier in the teen years.)
Thirdly, a toddler’s predominant words are “I want” and “no.” These express their belief in their power to control their environment. Since you cannot give in to their every demand, it is best to be understanding and diplomatic. Don’t lecture or yell. Yelling will make your child afraid of you. Don’t send him or her away for repeated time outs as this makes the child think she is unlovable or bad. Don’t routinely use rewards, because if they cease, the behavior may backfire. Instead try to set limits and stay connected. Try to remain calm and show you can tolerate their protests. Try to empathize or validate what they are feeling. Do give choices – these restore some sense of control to them and also foster their decision-making ability. For example, a common problem is bedtime. A child’s resistance to bedtime is understandable and appropriate for her age. She wants to be with you. Her demands for water are actually creative. Tell her, briefly but empathetically, she has had enough water and it is time for sleeping. Tell her she can have water when she wakes up. If she continues to protest, return periodically to soothe her but keep the limit.Hopefully, you can see that your job is to regulate your toddler’s life, not dictate it by harsh rules and punishment, nor give in permissively to what is easiest at the moment, for example, to let the child stay up too late. And if you treat him or her with focused attention and loving understanding and give some choices, your toddler will come to accept some non-negotiable limits and learn important lessons about reality. Parenting is front end loaded – if you are willing to work hard in the early years, your job will become easier as time goes on. So which is it: terrific or terrible two’s?
