Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2007.
In addition to giving toddlers intense focused attention during ages 1 to 3 years, parents should begin to establish good boundaries for their children during this stage. What most parents do not know is that it is the child’s job to protest the boundaries! And it is the parents’ job to withstand the protests! Children need to be able to protest – what they don’t like and what they’re against. Being able to protest helps children define themselves. Children thus test your resolve to see if the boundary will hold and then learn about reality. Being unable to say “no” breeds compliant children who are taken advantage of in life. A child usually becomes compliant out of fear. Beware of the “perfect” child who is overly compliant and quiet. If children are loved enough to feel safe with their feelings, they protest with tears, anger, and acting out. With their parents’ love and limits, they then develop their own proactive boundaries and stop reacting eventually because they find they no longer have need for these outbursts, as they don’t feel helpless or controlled.
One sign of unhappiness to watch for in this age group is temper tantrums. While all children this age get cranky and willful and cry when angry for a short time (remember – that is their job), not all will fling themselves to the floor, howling and shrieking, holding their breath, breaking things, or hurting others. Children who are sure that their parents understand them will find the isolated fury of temper tantrums unappealing. Tantrums should be conceptualized as acts of desperation. Try to soothe and set the limit but give a constructive alternative to the wish that brought on the tantrum. More importantly, rethink their daily experience and the possible roots of their inner unhappiness and begin to be more involved in their day-to-day lives.
Some common battles at this age include eating, getting a child to follow a safety rule such as wearing a seat belt, getting a child to leave an activity s/he enjoys, bedtime, and toilet training. It is helpful for parents to know that they cannot control a child’s bladder, bowel, eating and sleeping. What parents can do is stay calm, validate their feelings, hold the limit and give some choices. For example, say “I know you’re upset and don’t want to leave the park – I don’t like to leave places when I’m having fun either – but we have to leave in 10 minutes (it is good to warn them ahead of time). When you get home, would you like to play a game or read a book?” If they cry in protest, stay calm and gently but firmly remove them.
Since toddlers want you – and want what they want – neither is conducive to civilized social relating. Therefore, there is no inherent value in arranging play dates for children under 3. If parents are socializing with other parents, let children share space but not be expected to share toys. To prevent problems, provide multiples of favorite toys or put away a favorite toy in advance. If not forced to share prematurely, a child who is older will begin to realize s/he will have more friends by sharing. And s/he will see you model sharing and being generous and follow your example. Also, you may want to avoid taking your toddler to places with tempting things that can’t be touched if you don’t want to struggle with them. Save that for later years. Remember that toddler hood is a temporary phase and toddlers are not just little adults.The needs of a toddler center around giving cues and signals to their parents and receiving reasonable, caring responses in return. If this process takes place, a secure attachment bond gets established between the parents and the child which will give the child an inner strength and happiness for the rest of their life. Then the child will then begin to turn their attention to outside activities and parenting will become easier. If the parent does not put in the hard work in these early years, both the child and the parent will pay a big price – the child in their self-esteem and the parent in the child’s negative behavior or unhappiness in subsequent years. So which is it – terrific or terrible two’s?
