Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2007.
If you as a parent have made it past the hard work of infancy and toddler hood and have established a good attachment bond with your child, you should now be entering an easier stage in your child’s development. Your child should now be ready to turn from needing your focused attention to deriving pleasure from everyday activities. Although you remain indispensable, you are no longer the focus of your young child’s most intensely felt needs. Instead you can be available and be the facilitator of his or her activities.
One of the biggest events for this age group is starting school. Your child is ready for pre-school when he is comfortable separating from you for short periods of time. When your child starts school is much less important than how he feels when he is there. The goal is not to teach your child specific facts but to teach him to like school and to feel happy and competent there. Many parents today are so focused on their child’s cognitive abilities and educational achievement that it almost supercedes other childhood needs. However, brain studies have shown that it is the secure attachment bond and the parents’ efforts to soothe and regulate their child’s emotions that better promote learning. Also, having plenty of time for unstructured free play is also important for a child’s intellectual and emotional development as opposed to organized sports and classes.
Almost all children ages three to six sometimes bend the truth a little now and then. When this occurs, many parents fear their child is not being moral and they react with disapproval, lectures or punishment. Children usually distort reality in an effort to feel in control of themselves and the world or to ward off any unwanted turn of events. If you realize that making up stories is a developmental stage that will be outgrown, then you will not feel the need to react with disapproval. Instead you can relax and help the child understand his reasoning. For example, if the child says she only took two pieces of candy but you see five candy wrappers, you might say something to the effect “It must be hard to stop at two pieces when the candy is so yummy.”
Since most pre-schoolers adore their parents, they generally love to help out. Therefore, if you want your pre-schooler to begin to do chores, make the work fun and do it along with her. Your goal should be to teach your child that helping out can be fun and rewarding, not to get her to do a particular chore.
When a child of this age feels frustrated, his reactions can be very explosive. Although these outbursts can be intense, they are fleeting and can easily be distinguished from the blind, sustained fury that characterizes temper tantrums. When your child loses patience, it is crucial for you to respond with warmth and loving regulation. The result will be that having what he wants will seem less important. Also, giving your young child lots of choices gives him the feeling he does have some control over his life – and it promotes thinking. Generally, a child cannot protest and think at the same time.
A good guide to determine if your child is on track for age appropriate behavior is to watch for symptoms of inner unhappiness. For this age group the main ones are temper tantrums, eating problems (either eating too little or too much), nightmares, or significant phobias as well as some involuntary symptoms such as bed wetting, stuttering, nervous tics, or excessive shyness. Any of these might signal that an earlier developmental need has not been met. Unfortunately, the most popular remedy is to focus on correcting the unwanted behavior rather than address the underlying cause. The parent instead should see these signs as a signal to change their parenting style to one that more balances love and limits. Also, the parent needs to examine their attachment bond with their child. At any age the way to repair this is to stay calm, “tune in” to your child’s feelings, and offer empathy but keep the limit and give choices. The good news – it is never too late to change!
