Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in October 2007.
In the years from six to twelve, your child should be deriving his happiness from engaging in everyday activities – school, friendships and extracurricular activities such as sports, music or other art forms. Your job as the parent is to be available to facilitate your child’s activities and to provide a support system for him, especially when he experiences frustration. As is true in all phases of your child’s life, but even more so now, you want to offer this age group as many opportunities as possible to exercise choice while you keep in mind their guidance and protection. The reason for allowing them to make choices is to foster their thinking and decision making ability!
Children whose developmental needs have been met will see their elementary school years as a positive and exciting challenge. A happy child enjoys using his own mind. He is naturally curious and is a resilient self-starter who is not deterred by setbacks. An unhappy child, on the other hand, often becomes anxious when faced with a learning task and has a lot of self-doubt. As for homework in this age group, the most effective help a parent can give is in establishing a daily work time, either before or after dinner. Your aim is to help him learn to organize and complete his homework rather than to make sure a certain assignment gets done. If a child asks for help, feel free to offer it. But if you begin a pattern of doing his homework with him, you foster dependency and take away his thinking ability.
Your child must go to school and comply with its rules and requirements, but some areas where she can exercise choice include her appearance (excluding school uniforms), her extracurricular activities, and her free time. Allow children the right to decide if an activity is no longer fun or rewarding. Understandably, parents who have spent countless hours chauffeuring their child and lots of money on equipment and lessons may feel personally disappointed by their child’s decision. It is all right, though, for parents to point out the benefits of continuing a skill she has worked hard to develop, but if she still insists on abandoning it, allow her the freedom to do so. As her parent, you can help her discover her unique gifts and talents and find suitable ways to develop those. Also, like adults, children need to have some part of their daily lives that is just for fun. So allow your child this free time and let her choose how she spends it. It is important not to have her life so structured that she cannot relax and reflect on things.
Parents are sometimes advised to approach children in this age group as though each rule, regulation, or request presents a crucial test of the parents’ authority and the child’s virtue. The truth is that children whose developmental needs are met will gradually find that they feel happier when they follow rules and honor requests. A good rule of thumb is not to demand instant and rigid compliance for every rule – that is, except for ones related to health or safety. A better approach is relaxed affection and a focus on accomplishments.
The experience of having friends is of major importance to children between the ages of six and twelve. If your child’s needs have been met, he will ride out the bumps of peer relationships. Although he may feel hurt and disappointed if he is excluded or teased by his friends, he will not be devastated because he will be able to turn to other friends or to you for assistance.
The signs for inner unhappiness to watch for in this age group are broad. They include ignoring rules, skipping homework, choosing friends who make them miserable, or provoking anyone who tries to help. Some more extreme signs include vandalizing property, stealing, or using drugs. Some involuntary signs might be stomach aches and head aches. If you find your children behaving in some of these ways, remember that they still need your understanding and support. You will be more effective at helping the unhappy older child if you avoid anger or disapproval or harsh punishments and instead focus on staying calm and empathetic but keeping the limits and giving choices.
