Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2008.
If all goes well and you the parent have met your child’s emotional needs at each level of development, the period of adolescence should be largely trouble free. I know this goes contrary to popular opinion which views adolescence as a time for teenagers to break away from their parents and become independent. But children who have acquired a stable inner happiness that comes from a secure attachment bond with their parents will not experience an adolescence that is troubled, turbulent, and characterized by protracted conflict with their parents.
Instead the time period for ages 12-18 is still a prolonged developmental state. Teens are not ready to stand alone. In fact, a national longitudinal study completed in 1997 reported that connectedness with their parents tops the list of protective factors for the well being of teens. Those teens who stayed in regular touch with their parents and felt valued by them were less likely to smoke, drink alcohol, experiment with drugs or engage in early sex.
What should be true, though, is that teens should be making almost all of their daily decisions. This is the kind of independence that they do need. Parents who are still micro managing their teen’s everyday decisions should rethink this. You do not want your teenager to arrive at these challenging and life-threatening years with no clue how to make a decision. A good rule of thumb is to try not to impose too many rules, except for important health and safety issues and things important to the family, such as being home by a certain time, not drinking or getting in a car with someone who is drinking, not using drugs, or going to church with the family. As with small children, giving a wide latitude of choices in many areas helps teens accept a few non-negotiables.
A lot of problems teenagers have arise from the re-surfacing of the “all powerful self” – a flashback from toddlerhood. This makes adolescence a vulnerable time. Teens may take unnecessary risks, thinking they are invincible. They may overestimate their knowledge (i.e., they “know everything”), which is disconcerting and may lead to arguments with parents who want to set them straight. But it is better to respond with relaxed affection as you did with the toddler who bragged he was bigger or stronger than you. During this stage teens can be unfocused and forgetful. Try to help them succeed rather than be rigid about their shortcomings. Remember that they will ultimately model your behavior if your relationship with them is a strong secure one.
Signs of inner unhappiness at this age are many and varied but are largely self-destructive. Some examples include dangerous risk taking, substance abuse, eating disorders, failure at school, aggression, cutting, depression, mood changes, repeatedly choosing undesirable friends, or isolation from or hostility toward parents. Many people advocate “tough love” for teens who are exhibiting these behaviors. Occasionally this may work but statistically it does not. It usually only further alienates the teen from his or her parents. A better way to go for parents who have lost control is to let go of some of the rules and to work on strengthening the relationship. It really is never too late.
For those parents who have worked hard and have given their children the right kind of balanced love and discipline, they should find their teenagers developing into young adults who are responsible and who make good choices. They are also flexible and adaptable and largely unaffected by the up’s and down’s of life. Even if they experience failures or disappointments, these will be temporary as they still have your approval and love, which should be satisfying. After two decades of parenting, ideally there will be times when teens can take care of themselves and you can look forward to the satisfaction of having a warm, loyal, enjoyable and appealing friend.
