Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2008.
The title may sound like a wireless internet ad, but I want to apply the idea to relationships. Last year in my articles I spent a lot of time discussing “attachment theory” as it applies to parenting. An attachment bond was explained to be an emotional connection between a child and a parent which provides comfort and security and from which a child then is able to develop a healthy sense of self in the world. However, this inborn need for attachment continues to follow us into our adult lives, usually transitioning from the parent-child relationship to the marital relationship. Emotional dependency is an innate part of being human rather than a childhood trait we outgrow as we mature.
Adults generally need an irreplaceable other who continues to provide comfort, care and support. This explains why a grown person who is otherwise successful, competent and independent in their working world can become upset, clinging and despairing when they fail to evoke responsiveness from their attachment figure.
Attachment relationships do not have to be marital but can also be close relationships with other family members or friends. However, all marital relationships should be attachment relationships. Certain criteria distinguish an attachment relationship from a casual friendship, which include the following: the proximity or closeness to this caregiver is sought, especially in times of trouble; this person provides a felt sense of security; any threat or separation from this person induces fear and anxiety; and the loss of this person induces grief and sorrow.
Attachment injuries can become the downfall of many a marriage. An attachment injury is a specific type of betrayal experienced in couple relationships, characterized as an abandonment or a violation of trust. It is not a general trust issue but instead concerns a specific incident in which one partner is inaccessible and unresponsive in the face of the other partner’s urgent need for the kind of support and caring expected of attachment figures. Some injuries may appear trivial to an outsider, or they may be more obvious betrayals of trust, such as infidelity. Some may occur at times of physical illness (for example, after a cancer diagnosis) or during times of loss (such as a miscarriage or the death of a child). When a person is most vulnerable and cries out for help or understanding and there is no response, the basic assumption of the whole relationship – “that my partner will be there for me” – is undermined. The couple are then caught in a drama in which the injured spouse sets tests and the offending spouse is usually found wanting. It appears that these kinds of wounds cannot be left behind, according to therapist Susan Johnson, originator of emotionally focused couples therapy. If such events cannot be resolved, trust remains tentative and relationship distress increases.
There are several attachment styles we can have, depending on the one we brought from childhood. Some people may have an anxious style and be too clingy, always desperately trying to get the attention of an attachment figure. This may explain why some people are not willing to leave an abusive relationship, for fear they will have no relationship at all. Another style is the avoidant style – people who put up walls and become detached from close relationships. They may look to possessions, work, or success to satisfy but almost always fall prey to addictions to fill their deep felt attachment needs. Then there is the preferred style – the secure style, in which people strike a healthy balance between being needy and not needing anyone. Secure people can easily transition to God as the ultimate attachment figure – the one to whom they primarily turn as the source of their comfort and security. But they still need people and should desire to seek out close connections with others. The vertical attachment demands that we have horizontal or earthly attachments to other people. Our bond with God can then strengthen and enhance our attachments to spouses, family members, and other trusted attachment figures. To quote Gary Smalley, “Life is relationships; the rest is just details. God made you for relationship.”
So it’s not optional whether we have attachment figures. The real choice is whether we will work to make those relationships great or allow them to cause ourselves and others pain. How well connected are you?
