Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2008.
A vital part of a strong marriage is the component of intimacy. So many young couples never learn this skill and inevitably grow apart. This results is a couple, years down the road, living parallel lives – that is, they share the same children, house, meals, checkbook, even bedroom, but they live their own separate lives, with separate friends and interests, and never really “know” each other. These couples then wake up one day to the realization that something is missing and often look for alternate sources of intimacy, either in another romantic relationship or an addiction.
Intimacy is the “best friends” aspect of marriage. Sometimes couples confuse physical intimacy with the type of emotional intimacy to which I am referring. Ideally, married couples should be best friends as well as lovers – sharing dreams, interests, fears and hopes. But often many women seek out friends or relatives before confiding in their husbands. Similarly, men are more likely to talk to their close friends about their future dreams and ambitions than they are their wives. Does this mean we shouldn’t have close friends – of course not. But it does mean we should place priority on cultivating intimacy with our spouses.
One way to do this is to spend time together. Studies indicate that marital happiness is highly correlated with the amount of time spent together – one on one time. Spending time with the children as a family is important too but should not take the place of couple time. I encourage couples with young children, who have limited time, to postpone some hobbies and social interests until their children get older. For example, many a marriage have been harmed by a husband who leaves his wife with small children while he goes hunting. He can instead earn valuable deposits in his wife’s love account if he stays home and helps at this crucial stage. Then later he can hunt at will, as many older women do not mind, and may even welcome, their husbands leaving for a hunting trip. Do you know why? It’s because the young wife is looking for reassurance that her husband chooses her first – above anyone or anything. Once this question is settled in her mind – settled by many experiences of being chosen first – then she is less likely to mind the short separations that work, hobbies or other interests bring.
Another thing that promotes intimacy is heart-to-heart talks. These do not happen on the go. Intimacy is cultivated when we carefully listen to our partner – not just to their story but also to their feelings. So be sure to cultivate intimacy by sharing your heart with your partner – your beliefs, opinions, emotions, experiences and deep desires. Also, each person should be able to voice a complaint to the other and not fear being ignored, discounted or angrily attacked. Often one or both partners fear conflict and avoid it at all costs. The sad irony is that avoiding conflict seems like the peaceful thing to do to promote harmony in the relationship, but just the opposite is true – conflict promotes intimacy! The reasons are that being open and honest with one another clears the air as well as brings a deeper knowledge of the other person, while holding things inside keep us more frustrated and isolated. Of course, the fighting must be fair. (I’ll address that in a future article.) The inability to talk in these heart-to-heart ways is an early red flag signaling later marital difficulties.
Partners who do not cultivate intimacy are doomed to live in an “empty-shell” marriage. They may coordinate the practical details of their daily lives but they live in an emotional vacuum, never really enjoying the full beauty of married love. And another unfortunate side effect is that it may eventually affect the physical aspect of the marriage – all the more reason to grow in intimacy.
