Different Kinds of Smart

Last week I participated in my Garden Club's Flower Show. Now I am NOT good at flower arranging. In fact, I am in the Garden Club because I enjoy the people and I appreciate gardening and flower arranging and like to learn about these things. I was able to make it through the flower show without sweating it because my flower show partner was Amanda Cottingham, who I consider the "Martha Stewart" of the Delta. Amanda is a well-known wedding coordinator, caterer and flower arranger. So I just assisted her with our arrangement. But this experience reminded me of some earlier studies about the different kinds of intelligences. I remember how liberating it was to discover that people could be gifted in different ways and still all be considered intelligent.

According to Dr. Thomas Armstrong in his book Seven Kinds of Smart there are 7 major categories. They include:
1) Linguistic - This kind of intelligence has to do with verbal abilities and those who possess great amounts of this type of intelligence tend to be very good at writing and reading. Because conventional IQ tests place a great deal of emphasis on linguistic abilities, as well as the next category - math abilities, a person who is linguistictically inclined is considered to be very smart in our culture.
2) Mathematical - People who have this intelligence are good with numbers, patterns, and logical reasoning. These people often become our great scientists, mathematicians, and philosophers.

3) Spatial - Spatial intelligence gives a person the ability to think in vivid mental pictures. They have the natural ability to visualize how something could be as easily as what it is. My gifted garden club friends have this ability. I once asked Mollie Stock, who is our president, if she could visualize what an arrangement would look like before she made it, and she said yes.

4) Musical - People with musical intelligence have a natural rhythm and love for music. They often sing and play musical instruments. This type of intelligence can persist into old age and that is why people with good singing voices maintain them throughout life.

5) Bodily-Kinesthetic - This intelligence reflects a high degree of ability in bodily movement or physical activity. This includes those who can skillfully use their hands, such as surgeons and mechanics, actors and artists, as well as great athletes.

6) Interpersonal - These people have great people skills. They are able to understand, appreciate, and get along well with people. They have a good sense of discernment and can read people well.

7) Intrapersonal - This intelligence often expresses itself in solitude. It is a natural gift of understanding ourselves, knowing who and what we are, and how we fit into the greater scheme of the universe.

As you probably know, intelligence is usually measured in terms of IQ tests which measure how well a person is likely to perform in the current, traditional school system. But IQ tests do not come close to predicting a child's potential for success later in life. This, I hope, is comforting to parents who want their children to achieve academically but who recognize their children may have different gifts and talents. God had indeed gifted us in all kinds of ways and we need to recognize each other's unique contributions.

According to Gardner, we can all develop a reasonable use of all seven intelligences, but chances are a person tends to excel in one, two or three of these areas. Therefore, I recognize I am not gifted in the spatial intelligence of flower arranging, although I can appreciate it, but I see myself as more of a linguistic (#1) and intrapersonal (#7) kind of person. What about you? What kinds of smart are you?

Did I Marry the Wrong Person?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in November 2009.

I often have clients who say, “I think I married the wrong person” – perhaps contending they were too young or too naive at the time. My answer usually is that they probably did not, the reason being that people usually marry to their same emotional levels. The only exceptions are cases where people perhaps meet and marry in a few days and really do not know each other. But if you knew your spouse for a reasonable length of time, then you did not marry the wrong person.

Now I will say that relationships can get difficult and a time may come when you can no longer stay in the relationship, perhaps due to physical or emotional abuse. But a key question to ask yourself before that point is, “How am I contributing to the demise of my relationship?” So often when you are in a troubled marriage, you just want the other person to change, assuming things would then be fine, when in fact you are the one who should consider changing. And the truth is: you are the only one you have control over changing anyway.

My friend and colleague Dr. Richard Schwartz says that our spouses can be termed our “tor-mentors.” That is, if we will allow them, our difficult spouses can become our “mentors” by tormenting us, thereby leading us deeper inside to the root of our relationship problems. To quote Schwartz, “Generally, what your partner provokes in you is what you need to heal.” It is very difficult to find these hurt places when you’re not in an intimate relationship. When these hurt parts are stepped on, you may lash out in anger or distance in withdrawal. Then the work cut out for you is to explore the origin of the hurts so you may get help and healing for them. Amazingly in many cases after doing so, your spouse then doesn’t seem so mean or you can stay calm in the midst of the fiery darts that he or she launchs without retaliating.

I’m not saying that exploring your deep hurts is easy. Due to normal protective defense mechanisms, these wounds are not readily available to your awareness. That is why professional help is sometimes required. But I will say that something that triggers you to have a strong reaction usually has a deep root. You’ve been hurt that same way before – often, many times before. As another colleague Mona Barbera says, “If it’s intense, it’s your own.”

The title of Schwartz’s book on marriage sums it up: You Are the One You Have Been Waiting For. There is no magical person out there who is going to make you feel good about yourself – only you can do that. This is why I strongly recommend to people who contemplate divorce to work on yourself, with or without your partner, in order to understand what your strong reactions are about. You can then learn how to change these unpleasant outbursts or icy withdrawals into places of healing. Without change, you are doomed to repeat these same mistakes in new relationships or are doomed to a life of loneliness. By instead becoming emotionally healthy, you will then no longer allow someone to disrespect or mistreat you.

A further stage of growth occurs when you can disclose these hurt parts of yourself to your partner. You do this by speaking for the hurt part rather than from the hurt part. You will then begin to create true intimacy in your marriage. When couples learn to bond this way, according to Schwartz, “they can become soulmates – not the kind of romantic fantasy but, instead, mates on the journey of the soul to discover how to give and receive love.” And actually, you can use any difficulties in life that produce extreme reactions – not just those in marriage – as a path to parts that need to heal.

Getting Started

As I begin my blog, I first will post several articles I have written over the past 7 years in our local trade magazine Life in the Delta. The name of my column was "Living in Our Marriages and Families." Then I will intersperse those with my current thoughts and ideas.

Please be patient as I enter the blog world and learn how to do this! I want to thank my children - Ellen, Elizabeth, and John George - for encouraging me to do this! And I want to thank my niece Sarah Barry for her great ideas and advice and for her blog which serves as a wonderful model for me!

Welcome

Welcome to my new blog site. As my title implies, I am a Marriage & Family Therapist.

My personal mission statement is as follows:

"It is my desire as a therapist to always be self-exploring and growing - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - and to pass on what I learn to those whom God puts in my path."

Please join me as I share my thoughts and insights gleaned from my self-exploration, studies, and input from friends and clients.

How Well Do You Listen?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2009.

I wrote about the importance of good communication skills as a key to satisfactory relationships in a previous article (see July 2009). What many people do not realize is that the flip side of talking effectively is listening effectively. Listening is not just passive, but it too is a skill that needs to be developed in order for caring communication to occur.

Most of us have habits that keep us from paying full attention to the person talking, especially when there is a stressful or complicated issue. Often we pay only partial attention because we are rehearsing what we are going to say next. At other times, as we listen, we mainly are evaluating what the other person is saying and we are forming judgments about whether it is right or wrong or whether we agree or disagree. We may then become more reactive than attentive and more prone to interrupt and perhaps defend our position. When we listen in these ways, we keep our focus more on our own experience than on the other person’s.

However, to be understood by another person is a key route to intimacy and connection in a close relationship, such as that of a spouse, a child, or a good friend. What good listening does is to put your own concerns on hold temporarily and to allow the talker to tell his or her full story spontaneously, without your interference. Your goal is understanding – without necessarily agreeing or disagreeing, blaming or defending, or jumping into action by offering a solution. In other words, the key to listening is following!

Some skills to accomplish this active listening include attending to the other person. When you attend, you give him or her your full attention by listening with your body and mind. If possible, stop other activity that could be distracting. Turn your body toward the other person and give him or her eye contact whenever possible. In other words, give the person talking the floor. This values him or her by signaling your availability and interest.

Another listening skill is acknowledging someone else’s message. By this you let the person know either verbally or nonverbally that you are with him or her. You validate his or her experience, even though you may not fully agree with it. An acknowledgement can range from a simple nod of your head or an “uh-huh” to making a brief interpretative statement, such as “I can see you’re upset by this.” When your acknowledgement taps the talker’s experience accurately, the impact can be powerful. And the person talking can experience your acceptance and affirmation, or in other words, your empathy or ability to put yourself in his or her shoes.

If time allows, inviting more information is a powerful listening tool. How often in today’s hurried world are you asked, “Tell me more,” or “Is there anything else you want me to know?” Most people unconsciously test listeners with brief pauses to see if it is okay to continue talking. They do not tell what they are deeply thinking, feeling, or wanting unless they are sure the listener really wants to know. But many listeners take the pause as a cue to jump in and start directing the conversation by giving advice or asking questions. If you do not do this but instead invite the talker to tell you more, he or she will lead you to more useful information. Continue inviting until the talker has nothing more to add. At this point you will realize you have heard his or her full story.

Lastly, the skill of summarizing helps ensure the accuracy of your understanding of the other person. Rather than say, “I understand what you are saying,” which can sound a bit arrogant (and may be untrue), instead summarize back to him or her what you thought you heard. Many misunderstandings do not occur due to lack of good will but instead to what happens to the message internally, such as an embellishment or misinterpretation of what was meant. By paraphrasing back what you thought you heard, you ask for confirmation. If your the talker agrees, you are assured you share the meaning. A shared meaning occurs when the message sent by one person is the same as the message received by the other.

In summary, listening is an active skill which is a vital component of good communication and which can promote understanding in close relationships. It can also reduce interpersonal tension and build trust in relationships. And actively listening earns you the right to also be heard and understood. (Note: Reference for the articles on communication skills – Talking and Listening Together by Sherod Miller, et al.)

How Well Do You Communicate?

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in July 2009.

Most people realize that the key to good relationships is communication. But how many have actually been taught good communication skills? It has been shown that a person can have a good caring attitude yet their communication can still be unclear or misunderstood. This is where skill enters in.

Basic to all communication skills is speaking for self. When you speak for yourself, you combine a personal pronoun – “I,” “me,” “my,” or “mine” – with other parts of your message. To speak for self is to take responsibility for what you say. As a result, your messages are clearer and easier for others to hear and less apt to be discounted. As a person, you have a right to your beliefs and opinions and should be considered an authority on your own experience. Examples are, “Here’s my idea” or “I feel frustrated when you do that.”

An opposing way of speaking for self is to speak for others. When you speak for others, you usually make “you statements.” When you do so, you stimulate defensiveness in others and resistance to what you say simply by the way you say it. Others may interpret your words as trying to control what they think, feel, or want. Few people like someone else running their lives, even if what is said is true. Examples are, “That’s not what you really mean,” or “You made me angry.” A way to further raise defensiveness is to combine words like “should” or “ought” with “you statements.” For example, “You should do this” or “You ought to change that.” There are, however, acceptable times for using “you statements,” as in the case of the teacher to student, the parent to child, or the employer to employee – all for purposes of instruction. But I would caution you to use “you statements” sparingly if you want your message to be received.

Another important communication skill is to ask open questions. Open questions often begin with a “W” word: Who, What, Where, and When; or the word How. Open questions are more effective questions because they give others more choice about how to answer. In contrast, closed, narrow or leading questions limit or attempt to direct others’ responses. For example, “Are you mad or sad?” (This requires an either-or response.) Better would be, “How do you feel?” Another example is, “Isn’t this the best meal you’ve ever had?” (This requires a yes or no response.) Better would be, “What did you think about the meal?”

A specific type of question to avoid is the “Why” question. Do you recall the last time someone asked you, “Why did you do that?” Do you recall feeling tense or on the spot? This is a typical reaction to “Why” questions. Also, “Why” questions usually disguise statements. The tone of voice accompanying them is often negative. They have the tendency to challenge or blame or to get you to justify or defend yours actions or positions. Furthermore, you can seldom give a satisfactory answer to a “why” question, because the intent of most “why” questions is not to gain information but to persuade. For example, “Why are you wearing that?” may have the disguised message of “I don’t want you to wear that.” The only acceptable time for a “Why” question is when you have a genuine curiosity about a subject and you completely withhold judgment about the person’s response.

Asking open questions can be a powerful way to connect to someone. However, some people mistakenly believe that good communication involves asking a lot of questions. Too many questions can actually interfere with effective communication because they can start to direct the story of the person talking. And they can interfere with the natural flow of a talker’s story. When you raise a question, the talker has to stop and think about what you just asked. As a result, the talker may be led away or distracted from what he or she wants to say. If given the chance, most people can tell their story best without prompting questions.

Realize that each time you say something, your message contains two parts: what you say – the content, and how you say it – the style. It doesn’t matter how accurate your content is if your non-verbal communication, such as the tone of your voice or your body language, says something different. Remember to be aware both of what you say and how you say it. And if your intent is to connect with others rather than to control them, your communication will be more effective.

The Here and Now

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in May 2009.

Do you ever think about where you focus your attention? Often, many people are either planning the future or reminiscing about the past. Or they are busy doing things, often multitasking, and are not tuning in to their thoughts. To quote Susan Stone, who teaches Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction at the University of Virginia, “Rarely is our mind in the same place as our body. So, tragically, we miss a lot of our own lives.” She believes that the quality of life depends on where you focus. You might not need to get a new job or move to a different city to live a more fulfilling life. Instead you could pay closer attention to the “here and now.”

There are some other expressions that also describe this same concept, including “present living” or “mindfulness.” The idea is that the more you can live in the present moment, the less likely you will be to experience the suffering which occurs from worrying about the future or being stuck in the past. Also, the more you can be present to what is actually happening in the moment or can be in touch with what is really real, the better you will be able to enjoy a richer and more fulfilling life. Research now shows that this type of focused attention on the here and now reduces the symptoms of illnesses such as heart disease, chronic pain and addiction. Also, those who live in the present tend to be happier and less stressed. They are better able to relax and have a greater appreciation for themselves and others. Also, they often feel a stronger connection with their own faith.

Just how do you do this, i.e., learn to be present to the here and now? A way to begin is to become aware of your senses – what you see, hear, touch, taste or smell. For example, if you are taking a walk on a nice day, begin to notice what you see in the beauty of your surroundings, such as the clear blue sky or the white fluffy clouds; pay attention to the sounds you hear, such as the birds or the lawn mower; notice what you feel, such as the wind on your face or the heat of the sun; or take in the smells, such as the flowers or the cut grass. Another level of awareness is your thought life. Many people do not know they can acknowledge their thoughts but then can let them “pass by” rather than dwell on them – or that they can challenge their thoughts. A deeper level of awareness includes being tuned in to your emotions, rather than being hooked in to them. And a further level of awareness is being receptive to your own desires – asking yourself what you really want to do as opposed to what you should do or what others expect you to do. All of these aspects of awareness are an ability to step back and self-reflect. You are asking yourself: what am I sensing, what am I thinking, what am I feeling, what am I wanting. Often the simple ability to do this helps you think and act with more clarity. But while this sounds simple to do, it can actually be very challenging.

Sometimes by focusing on your breathing you can become more present. The reason is that paying attention to your experience of inhaling and exhaling brings you to the present, as you can only breathe in the present. When your mind begins to wander, you can simply return your attention to breathing. This technique is often used in meditation practices, which used to only be associated with Eastern religion or New Age practices. However, mindfulness is not a particular religious belief but a practical truth born out in scores of research findings in the last 15 years from the fields of psychology, medicine, education and neuroscience. In his book, The Mindful Brain, psychiatrist and brain researcher Daniel Siegel describes how mindfulness can enhance relationships even at the level of brain structure. Somehow in cultivating a more attuned and loving relationship to yourself, you nurture your capacity for more loving relationships with others.

As daily life becomes more media saturated, the skill to make choices about where you place your attention becomes increasingly valuable. When you let your mind be hijacked, you usually cannot see things clearly. The inability to slow down and live in the present may be an indication of underlying fears or issues that need to be resolved. Just remember – the here and now is really all you have. Why not embrace it and find the satisfaction that comes from living in it!

Double Jeopardy - Anxiety and Depression

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in March 2009.

Anxiety and depression are two different but often related disorders that plague many in our society. The World Health Organization now ranks depression as the 4^th most significant cause of suffering and disability worldwide, behind heart disease, cancer and traffic accidents. Sadly, it is predicted that by the year 2020, depression will be the 2^nd most debilitating condition. Most people who are depressed are also suffering from anxiety disorder. In fact, anxiety often precedes depression. As life keeps getting faster and faster and more complicated, people simply do not have the resources for coping.

Let’s spend a few moments defining anxiety and depression, in the most general of terms.

Anxiety can be likened to a state of fear without specific knowledge of why one is fearful. Almost anyone can be made anxious but an anxious person is that way no matter what – almost as if s/he is looking for a crisis. An anxious person’s mood is that of tension, panic, and apprehension. There is a sense of impending doom. Sometimes a person with anxiety experiences physical symptoms, such as heart palpitations, sweating, dry mouth, an increase in blood pressure, throbbing sensations in the head, shallow breathing, muscular tension, or chest pain. Anxious people may feel pain in their head, stomach or back. Some of their motor symptoms may include fidgetiness, an exaggerated startle response, restlessness, an inability to sit down, or pointless movement. Ultimately at the core of anxiety is an issue of control – as if any of us has control over anything in this life.

You might say that anxiety is about the future – about the “what if’s?” of life. Depression, on the other hand, is more about the past. At the core of most depression is usually disappointment. It may begin with a blocked goal of not getting what you want, which may lead to anger, which may lead to trying harder. But once you realize your blocked goal is no longer attainable, this may lead to depression. You might say it is anger turned inward. Two of the major symptoms of depression are feeling sad or down nearly everyday and losing interest or pleasure in most activities. Other symptoms include loss of appetite or marked increase of appetite – especially craving sweets or other carbohydrates, a decrease in energy, tiredness, feelings of worthlessness, an impaired ability to concentrate, and sometimes thoughts of suicide. Problems with sleep are the most common symptom of both depression and anxiety. However, some depressed people can oversleep.

Anxiety and depression may be the result of a variety of biological or psychological reasons. But they also have a social component as well. People who are suffering from them often have less social support and more marital problems and conflicts. Also, there is a greater risk of passing these disorders on to their children. They, in fact, intensify from one generation to the next.

Most people who have anxiety or depression do not seek help. However, there is much that can be done to help. Telling a depressed person just to “snap out of it” will not work. Exercise, though, is a wonderful tool and is almost as effective as medication. There are wonderful medicines for anxiety and depression but a word of caution: medication will not get to the root of the problem. Research shows that medication in combination with psychotherapy is the most effective way of healing anxiety and/or depression. I also think that faith and prayer are wonderful antidotes for anxiety and depression as they bring answers to many of life’s difficulties and uncertainties. In conclusion, please be aware of the danger of having anxiety and/or depression or the double jeopardy of having both – not only to yourself but to your family as well.

Sleepless in America

Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in January 2009.

An important question I ask all my clients is this: “How are you sleeping?” The answer to this question provides important information about a person’s mental health as well as their physical health. Unfortunately, sleep disorders are fast becoming one of the most prevalent health concerns in our nation. A recent National Sleep Foundation poll found that 76 percent of adults reported at least one symptom of a sleep disorder at least a few nights every week or more.

Most of these people suffer insomnia, which is defined as difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or obtaining healthy, restorative sleep. Insomnia is more common in women and increases with age, medical problems, and psychiatric disorders. It’s also very common among adolescents. Compelling evidence suggests that chronic sleep loss is a critical factor in a broad range of health concerns, including an increased risk for viral infections, cardiovascular disease, obesity, diabetes, and cancer. It can sometimes cause depression or be a symptom of depression.

Why are we having such problems sleeping? One reason is we may be too wired at night to naturally unwind. Since the invention of the light bulb, people do not downshift with the onset of night but instead do chores, watch TV, surf the Internet as well as a whole host of activities. In fact, almost anything that used to be done only in the day can now be done at night, including shopping or working. There’s no natural circadian rhythm of activity followed by rest, as our forebears experienced. In fact, light stimulates the release of serotonin, which energizes us, whereas darkness stimulates the release of melatonin, which helps us sleep. But people have trouble turning off their lights and unwinding enough at night for natural sleep to occur.

Another major reason for sleep disturbance could be the presence of anxiety and/or depression. A good way to assess for these is to distinguish when the person is experiencing insomnia. Generally, a sleep onset delay is associated with anxiety. This occurs when a person cannot fall asleep for 2-3 hours. When a person wakes up 2-3 hours early and can’t go back to sleep, this is more typical of depression. Sometimes there is a middle insomnia, where a person sleeps 2-3 hours and wakes up and tosses and turns the rest of the night. Often this is associated with the use of alcohol, which initially helps a person fall asleep but may wake him or her up later.

There are many artificial means of fighting insomnia, including prescription and over-the-counter sleep medications, but these have limited effectiveness and should only be a temporary solution. They often don’t provide a natural healthy sleep. In fact, benedryl, which is the chief component in the “PM” drugs, suppresses dreaming and light dreaming is a good sign of restorative sleep. Plus those medicines that also contain acetaminophen can lead to liver damage.

So what should we do to solve our problems with sleeplessness? First determine if you have anxiety or depression or medical problems that are sleep related and get help for those. And in general – VALUE REST! Begin to slow down and relax and learn to transition to healthy sleep. This involves turning off the lights, including TV and computer monitors, as darkness itself is a good sleep medicine. If you wish to read or write, consider using a low-wattage book light. Sometimes nighttime is the one time when you have to face yourself, and many people are uncomfortable with this. They prefer to crash to sleep, which is a sign of sleep debt, or be knocked out – only to face themselves in the middle of the night. A much better way is to drift to sleep and naturally let go of our waking consciousness.