Note: This article was first published in Life in the Delta in September 2009.
I wrote about the importance of good communication skills as a key to satisfactory relationships in a previous article (see July 2009). What many people do not realize is that the flip side of talking effectively is listening effectively. Listening is not just passive, but it too is a skill that needs to be developed in order for caring communication to occur.
Most of us have habits that keep us from paying full attention to the person talking, especially when there is a stressful or complicated issue. Often we pay only partial attention because we are rehearsing what we are going to say next. At other times, as we listen, we mainly are evaluating what the other person is saying and we are forming judgments about whether it is right or wrong or whether we agree or disagree. We may then become more reactive than attentive and more prone to interrupt and perhaps defend our position. When we listen in these ways, we keep our focus more on our own experience than on the other person’s.
However, to be understood by another person is a key route to intimacy and connection in a close relationship, such as that of a spouse, a child, or a good friend. What good listening does is to put your own concerns on hold temporarily and to allow the talker to tell his or her full story spontaneously, without your interference. Your goal is understanding – without necessarily agreeing or disagreeing, blaming or defending, or jumping into action by offering a solution. In other words, the key to listening is following!
Some skills to accomplish this active listening include attending to the other person. When you attend, you give him or her your full attention by listening with your body and mind. If possible, stop other activity that could be distracting. Turn your body toward the other person and give him or her eye contact whenever possible. In other words, give the person talking the floor. This values him or her by signaling your availability and interest.
Another listening skill is acknowledging someone else’s message. By this you let the person know either verbally or nonverbally that you are with him or her. You validate his or her experience, even though you may not fully agree with it. An acknowledgement can range from a simple nod of your head or an “uh-huh” to making a brief interpretative statement, such as “I can see you’re upset by this.” When your acknowledgement taps the talker’s experience accurately, the impact can be powerful. And the person talking can experience your acceptance and affirmation, or in other words, your empathy or ability to put yourself in his or her shoes.
If time allows, inviting more information is a powerful listening tool. How often in today’s hurried world are you asked, “Tell me more,” or “Is there anything else you want me to know?” Most people unconsciously test listeners with brief pauses to see if it is okay to continue talking. They do not tell what they are deeply thinking, feeling, or wanting unless they are sure the listener really wants to know. But many listeners take the pause as a cue to jump in and start directing the conversation by giving advice or asking questions. If you do not do this but instead invite the talker to tell you more, he or she will lead you to more useful information. Continue inviting until the talker has nothing more to add. At this point you will realize you have heard his or her full story.
Lastly, the skill of summarizing helps ensure the accuracy of your understanding of the other person. Rather than say, “I understand what you are saying,” which can sound a bit arrogant (and may be untrue), instead summarize back to him or her what you thought you heard. Many misunderstandings do not occur due to lack of good will but instead to what happens to the message internally, such as an embellishment or misinterpretation of what was meant. By paraphrasing back what you thought you heard, you ask for confirmation. If your the talker agrees, you are assured you share the meaning. A shared meaning occurs when the message sent by one person is the same as the message received by the other.
In summary, listening is an active skill which is a vital component of good communication and which can promote understanding in close relationships. It can also reduce interpersonal tension and build trust in relationships. And actively listening earns you the right to also be heard and understood. (Note: Reference for the articles on communication skills – Talking and Listening Together by Sherod Miller, et al.)
